First Chapters, I'll read yours if you'll read mine

BOMB 2023-09-22 10:42:50 UTC #7

I'll be honest I didn't connect much with you're story. The opening felt like a history/anatomy lesson that could have been explained in another way. The dialog at times felt stiff or scripted. And I found myself having to push myself to keep reading.

You also slip in and out of past and present-tense writing here and there which disrupts the flow of reading.

This story may simply not be for me, but it didn't click. I'm sorry.

Artist3o 2023-09-22 16:28:04 UTC #8

here is link to mine

king-goldfish 2023-09-22 18:30:33 UTC #9

Thank you for the feedback and sub! I think I sometimes go a little overboard and prioritize character voice over readability. Point well taken that I could cut down on the run-on sentences. In this first chapter, I think it's also a consequence of another thing you noticed, which is that I was trying to pack a lot of exposition into a very small space in order to move on with the story. I would like to find a more elegant way to do that, so thank you for bringing it up. I think taking too much time with exposition up front is often a boring way to start a story, but surely I can find a better way to establish the reader in the world than what I currently have.

I should know better than the "just" thing, too.

I'm glad that you didn't find the names a chore. That was something I was worried about. I anticipate it may be a turn-off for some readers, but I'm married to it now.

The title reading that way was intentional lol. It was initially a joke, placeholder title, but I could never think of a better one. This one fits.

Really appreciate your thoughts, and I'm glad you enjoyed it overall.

quintellit 2023-09-23 16:03:04 UTC #10

Deal!

quintellit 2023-09-23 16:05:24 UTC #11

Very fun read!! And easy to get into.

BOMB 2023-09-25 15:33:22 UTC #12

There was quite a bit in your story to be helped.

You have a lot of unnecessary spacing that actually makes your story seem unprofessional and unedited upon first glance.
Overly complicated or too wordy sentences, for example

"A head was peeking out the brightly lit window."

Could have been

"A head peeked through the brightly lit window."

Contractions are your friend, using them will make more of your sentences easier to swallow.
Things felt flat as far as the setting goes. Sure you might have said they were in a room or there was a window but actual descriptions of how things looked were sparse.
The dialog could be worked over more. At the moment, it feels very clunky.

I think you have the makings of a good story. You have a sort of skeleton, and you've begun to put skin on it. But you need more muscle. You need more development and structure. As it is, I probably wouldn't have read beyond the opening sentence because it sounded like something trying to be profound without enough poetry to sell it, and the spacing between every paragraph makes the entire story seem unedited. And I know that probably sounds harsh, but these are all things you can edit. These are all things you can correct or build upon.

For example, your opening sentence is

If reality and dreams are indeed separate, then everything that happened must have been a very realistic nightmare.

But I would have written it something like:

Reality and dreams can never exist at once, but everything that happened, was a nightmare.

Reality and dreams may never touch, but nightmares perhaps were a bridge between the two. I know this to be true, because everything that happened was wonderful and cruel.

If reality and dreams were indeed separate things, then a nightmare was everythimg that happened that day.

BOMB 2023-09-25 15:35:59 UTC #13

This thread was meant more so for novels, written stories.

carmeliabwood 2023-09-28 17:41:14 UTC #14

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Mic_Mac_Roni 2023-09-28 20:14:33 UTC #15

Understood on the past and present tense since I do struggle on that, and it does get better later on. Sorry that my story doesn't connect for you, and you felt pushed to read it. I think maybe that's where you weren't really interested in the characters then that's fair. Probably did felt scripted for you if it doesn't connect to you in a personal level. Thanks for trying.

The introduction was a way to introduce the universe. I can re-word some things.

Mic_Mac_Roni 2023-09-28 20:49:59 UTC #16

I read your chapter too. You did a nice job with the visionary of the room. Although, I assume your character is on the front cover but a little bit more description will help color the imagination. Then again, that might be just the way I like to read a story. The little quips here and there was entertaining.

Thank you for trying and just the same I will proceed on working with my story. I wish you luck on your endeavors!

JeremyMountbatten 2023-09-30 14:21:57 UTC #17

@11keys Here's mine novel bud:

Title: Hellwave: An American's Journey

Genre: Thriller / Horror

Description: In the alternate universe of Jan 2020, an unknown virus called the Hellwave virus spread across the globe, starting a worldwide zombie apocalypse. Apart from fighting zombies, humanity would later face a new enemy called Young Templars, which resulted in a war against them. After the Young Templars kidnapped his sister, a teenage boy named Kodey Zander goes on a treacherous journey to rescue his sister. With the help of a sympathetic Young Templar lady named Sally Flannery, they explore the former US to search for his sister and reunite with Kodey once again.

Rating: Mature, blood, coarse language, gore and gunfire battles.

BOMB 2023-10-03 21:55:12 UTC #18

I gave the prolog and first chapter a read and they both have a distinct problem. Everything is very flat and on the nose.

Characters speak in the most direct way as if they know they're being watched and have to progress the story. For example

If the mom is talking to her kids about their father, why would she feel the need to say "Your Father Daniel" in the same sentence. It's odd to say his title and his name when his children should know who the mother is talking about when she says their father. It's stiff, and it reads more like you're expositing information to the reader than the mother speaking to her children.

In chapter 1 the kids are told they need to get over their mothers death, and in the next sentence apparently they do just that.

I get that you have an order of events, but your characters speak in such a way, and events happen one after the other in a way that makes things feel procedural or computer generated. I don't believe half of the sentences coming out of their mouths because they either have too much information forced in, they all sound the same, or its said in the most direct way without any layers of context or emotion. That's not to say everything is lacking, but I'm not feeling the majority of what I see.

This is honestly the biggest issue that I noticed and I believe if you work on it everything else will naturally get better.

Sorry in advance for being harsh if I come off that way, but I assumed you'd prefer I give you my feedback without beating around the bush. There is potential, its just bare bones right now.

UntiteldMaidens 2023-10-04 19:04:22 UTC #19

just ... dont read the early EPs, just the newer stuff at 150 and beyond.

(sub 4 sub?~)

rosierubycardinal 2023-10-05 04:02:49 UTC #20

So, I tried to give this the amount of effort you gave to past reviews, so enjoy!

Overall, I think the writing's flow clarity-wise is pretty okay. There are a couple of instances of obvious word misplacement and excess commas, but at least for me, that isn't what is making this novel slightly difficult to read. From my very limited glimpse into your writing style through this first chapter, I may be giving pointless advice, so I hope this is not the case. To put it simply, your use of complex/unique metaphors and phrases makes this text a little bit difficult to understand. For example, the whole "blunt instrument" paragraph is almost too complicated for most readers to enjoy reading.

I think you need to get more straight to the point, as by trying to take on a certain voice in your novel, you are making the story more difficult than necessary to understand. While this could be seen as a stylistic choice, you similarly contract both the narrator and Tristan's words, so it seems unlikely. For example, in the "I would have been homeless" paragraph, you talk a bit like Yoda in a way that I assume was to make your writing sound deep and ancient, but instead makes it difficult to read.

Your sentence variety consists of short and shorter, a pattern that is only every once and a while broken by a longer sentence. This makes the pacing seem a little rushed, but overall not too bad.

However, despite your overcomplicated prose, I think you are almost too straight to the point when it comes to our narrator's thoughts and actions. This is especially evident in paragraph 2, where you really directly state MC's thought process.

As for characters, I do not find myself particularly drawn to either lead, yet both seem pretty interesting so far. However, I was a little confused about the part where they were friends. Like, are they friends or not? Similarly, the possible attraction seems a little too sudden.

Plot-wise, I think this is definitely a good start, as there are a lot of questions left unanswered. I think the beginning paragraphs could do with a little more context, as some guy eating meat off of a bone isn't quite as exciting as this scene could be. However, there is definitely a lot going on with your story, which I personally would consider a pro.

Also, you alternate between Tristan and Trisal constantly throughout the chapter - is this intentional?

But overall, I think this is a super solid start!! There is definitely some good content in here, and I absolutely love the first person narration. Good luck with your story!

Thank you for doing this! Here's mine!

BOMB 2023-10-06 10:54:55 UTC #21

What were the places you thought I misplaced words?

And I suppose I can understand how some of the writing can seem foreign or complicated, but it's not done to make things sound cool or ancient it's because the main character comes from a place without humans that sees itself above humans but is still influenced by the human world.

And yes I use Tristan and Trisal both because in this story angels and demons have their proper names and they have earth names which are basically less fancy for when talking around humans for example.

I looked over your first chapter and I think my notes for you kinda contrast the notes you had for me.

The biggest thing I noticed is you slip between past and present tense writing quite a bit. That would be the main thing I'd work on if I were you.

After that, I think you can be a little too straight to the point, too blunt at times especially in the dialog. I think everything works, but I feel you could unveil information, back story, and other things in more creative ways. There could be more details that paint a picture. I understood the events happening, but I wanted to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel more.

There was a lot of actions happening, things explained, actions happening, things explained. But I wanted more color, more something. Even the way the main character speaks to the little girl seemed unbelievable because I feel that's the way she would have talked to an adult. She didn't change her way of speaking to account for how young the girl was, she didn't use simpler vocabulary. And she spoke in long sentences too.

But yeah I think you and I might just have different tastes. You probably prefer things more straight forward. I prefer to let things simmer.

rosierubycardinal 2023-10-06 12:55:33 UTC #22

Thank you for the feedback! I read through my chapter, and I couldn’t find any moments where it was not in past tense. Would you mind pointing out where you noticed that so I can fix it?

kingtubz7 2023-10-06 13:01:46 UTC #23

I read and left a comment on your first chapter
Dimensional Detective
In a futuristic cyberpunk world, Ethan is a young engineering technologist running a mechanic workshop while moonlighting as a private detective in the grand city of Techtonia. His life is disrupted by an event of unknown, possibly supernatural, origin in which half the world's population disappears in a flash only to be replaced by mysterious humans not of his time or world. In the chaos that followed, Ethan discovers that his own sister was among the disappeared, prompting him to abandon his old life and embark upon a dimensional journey that'll take him who knows where to solve the mystery, and to save his sister in the process.

BOMB 2023-10-06 14:38:09 UTC #24

A couple that I noticed are

It was at that moment I realized I could not kill this child.

Past tense would be The child, a child, that child

No nine year old could be OK at this moment.

Past tense would be That moment

"Analina was now holding on to me,"

Past tense would be Was then

"Fortunately this was the entrance"
Past tense would be Fortunately it was, Fortunately that was

I couldn't do this.

Past tense would be I couldn't do that, or I couldn't do it.

She was not going to die tonight.

Past tense would be die that night.

Upon closer inspection, the way you have the sentences currently written may not technically be wrong for Past tense but the use of certain words can read as present tense easier than past depending on the way you use it.
Words like "this" vs "that" or "it" can dramatically change how something reads.

And I think my examples are just ways that more clearly read Past tense. Of course I'm writing all of this after not sleeping all night so you may want to look more into it on your own lol

rosierubycardinal 2023-10-06 15:09:45 UTC #25

Thank you for answering! I see where you might have been assuming past vs present now! Personally, I think the use of ‘this’ puts the reader more in the moment, as that is often better when referring to events far in the past, which muddies up the meaning of the sentence and makes it difficult to discern in past narrative whether the narrator is referring to the child or some child from their past. Nevertheless, thank you so much for the feedback and I hope you enjoyed reading!

NetherSlayer 2023-10-29 08:28:17 UTC #26

Hope I'm not too late to participate; going off of the first three chapters here.

Right off the bat, I am slightly taken aback by the self-awareness of the nameless protagonist (he's not given a name in the first two episodes?), and I feel like anyone trying to be aware of their own narcissism already is narcissistic to some degree, but I can't gauge if that's intended just yet.
The first thing Tristan says in episode two implies that he knows the protagonist's halo was taken, not given up; again, not sure if this is intentional and he's just joking or not, but knowing what Aaron thinks on the matter would let the reader know which it is.
I appreciate the apartment number, halfway to 666 plus .5, lol
Is the inability to show themselves to humans the only similarity between demons and angels? I feel like Aaron could probably list a few things and Tristan would lead him on with a "Nope, try again!"
Earth when referred to as the planet should always be capitalized, whereas earth referring to the ground/soil doesn't need to be; I've noticed you bounce between capitalizing and not a few times. Also, if Overlands and Underlands are capitalized, I feel like midlands should be as well.
In chapter 3, it's one thing for Aaron to say 'My roommate' (should be lowercase), and a whole other to say 'My demon'; same with Tristan referring to Aaron as 'my angel', but with Aaron immediately correcting him to say they're friends gives me a better understanding of Aaron's personality and possible position on their unclear relationship.
Speaking of, I'm very confused at their relationship if they've only just met in person the day before, but then Tristan goes and jokes(?) about being lovers. I get they're roommates at the very least, but is that only a thing now because they considered each other as lovers before meeting?
Half way through chapter 3, Aaron says "Trisal, Tristan is..."; I take it this was a typo, and Trisal shouldn't be there at all? Similarly, later on Tarlac says "From what your friend has told me. Living..."; I believe this should be a compound sentence?

Overall, not bad. Starting the story immediately with the meeting of an angel and a demon, who totally usurps expectations, is pretty interesting, but I'm at a loss at their relationship if this was their first time meeting; are there videogames in the Over/Underlands, and that's how they met and got so close to begin with? I like how Aaron would prefer to lie and have a roof over his head than be honest and homeless, just as any normal human would prefer; he's fitting in to life on Earth just fine, with or without his powers.

My novel is of a very different genre; despite being an action/adventure and fantasy/sci-fi novel, I spend a while focusing on the worldbuilding and establishing relations/background for why the main cast sets off on the mission they've been assigned. Definitely a slow burn, but that's in part because this is meant to take place half way into the overall series I'm trying to write, and I'm trying to make up for the lack of anything written beforehand; apologies in advanced if some aspects aren't clear because of that.