First Chapters, I'll read yours if you'll read mine

BOMB 2023-09-21 06:51:08 UTC #1

I have a story that I've been working to get in front of new eyes called Halo City Angel. If you'll have a read I'll be more than happy to do the same.

All that I ask is that you remember to also let me know what you think here, or leave a comment there. I'll do the same. You can give feedback on the general impressions or go more in depth on structure and character development and stuff. No hard rules. In the end I just hope you'll enjoy enough to read more.

Here's a link:

Hoku_1 2023-09-21 11:53:58 UTC #2

Here's mine:

I have left a comment reviewing the chapter
Thank you really needed this!
Plz, check mine out.

BOMB 2023-09-22 00:32:14 UTC #3

So I find the idea of gaining an ability through their past traumatic event of losing a friend is interesting, but if that is what's happening I'm not entirely sure how that trauma created the dream power.

I'm also not very convinced that she would, after only experiencing the ability twice without any evidence that they were more than dreams, would actually believe it was a real power. I'd imagine a person would need to go through levels of convincing themselves before they say they have a supernatural power unless super natural powers are already a common thing.

Also I don't get why she went through the same dream twice one after the other.

And lastly, I don't get why they feel the need to hide their new ability. They don't know of any threats hunting them, and there haven't been any dangers brought up, so I don't get why this power would need to be kept secret.

Beyond those things, I think it's an OK read so far. Things unfolded pretty fast. A lot of characters were introduced one after the other. We got a flash back a school scene, two dream sequences and the declaration of having powers all in one chapter when I fell each of those things could have been given more time, maybe even their own chapters. There's not really any build up, but that's understandable because it's just one chapter until you look at all the cards being played in that one chapter. And it all flows well enough to follow but it just doesn't hit very hard.

I will admit I'm not a big fan of flashbacks in writing. I prefer, if you need to explain or bring in information that happened in the past, just make the scene take place in the past rather than having the scene in the present and expositing events. I think if you actually wrote the scene as it's own thing rather than a flash back, the death of her friend would be an even stronger opening to the story before jumping to the future where we see those events are still gripping. But these are very much just my opinions. I'll admit I wasn't invested at all until that part, but then we moved past it so fast (because that's what you naturally do with flashbacks) that what could have been a significant punch up ended up being a small jab.

I think the way you have it works, but I think it could be deeper.

One other small thing I will comment on is how you disclaim personalities a lot. Like you'll say

"he was always such a deeper thinker"

"she had a way with words that no one else did"

or such and such. I won't say never do this, because some times it fits, it works, it's effective. But rather than saying a person is a deep thinker, its better to have them say something that's deep and then let the reader learn how smart they are. And again, the way you wrote things work, but I noticed these few things enough to think they could be improved on if you feel like it.

But the one note I have that I demand you hear, the line where the youngest brother asks "do you want to play video games," was so unspecific it makes it feel stiff.

Have him ask to play a specific video game, it'll make him feel less generic and more believable.

Yes, kids like video games, but typically it's a specific game.

So something like

Hey do you want to play Sonic?

Hey do you want to go play the new Streetfighter Mom got me?

Hey do you want to play Mario cart?

Any specific game will feel more believable than just nondescript video games.

If this were me, I'd:

Make the scene where the childhood friend dies into its own chapter, the first chapter, and not just a short flashback.
Make the classroom scene and walk home it's own chapter and use it to show how losing her friend still haunts her, and better introduce the side characters because your current version doesn't have them say much so I don't really know how to feel about them aside from what you said are their personality traits. But I shouldn't have to rely on you telling me this person is smart this person is sweet, I should get that from what they say and do (and I kinda do but not enough for my taste)
Make the at home scene and the first dreams powers part its own chapter and really better introduce the younger brother and make the dream powers more unique and stand out.
Do a chapter where she confirms the things she did in her dreams were real, then have her decide to use it more, and give her a reason to need to keep it a secret.

That's what I would do.

I hope this is good feed back, but I feel like I might have gone overboard.

king-goldfish 2023-09-22 01:38:16 UTC #4

Left a comment on your first chapter (:

Iyu Aksanevich is a bastard—literally, and, some would say, figuratively—but his father’s royal blood means he can use magic, which no commoner can. At least, that’s what he believes until he’s kidnapped during a peasant rebellion. His captors force him to confront some difficult questions: is magic really tied to bloodlines, or is there a different, more sinister reason that some people in this world are magic and others aren’t?

Mic_Mac_Roni 2023-09-22 02:54:08 UTC #5

Sounds like a deal. Just going to take a little. I'll start with a sub.

I have two stories with completed 1st season. Fury Flames 2nd season will start in Oct.

https://tapas.io/series/Fury-Flame-The-Trail-Artifacts/info

BOMB 2023-09-22 10:16:33 UTC #6

You have quite a few run on sentences. I know you have thoughts that naturally go together and when you say them out loud they sound fine, but breaking up these thoughts into their own sentences will help the reader digest the material. It also allows you more variety in sentence structure. I have a sort of rule. If I have to use more than three commas in a single sentence it's probably too long or not structured efficiently. Or if my single sentences is as long as three normal sized sentences, it's probably too long. If it's longer than three lines, it's probably getting to be too long.

I noticed one sentence where you used 6 commas, another where you only used 2 commas but it was 6 lines long. Actually I noticed several of those.

You have a paragraph that's 14 lines, but is only 2 sentences.

You have plenty of paragraphs that look good until you read them and realize it's two or three very long sentences. You don't want to over correct and start making all of your sentences short and choppy, but breaking up some things will help.

Your use of the word "Just" caught my attention a few times

For example:

I'm just not sure why this bastard is talking to us.

I'm not sure why this bastard is talking to us.

Technically both ways work, but using just adds a kind of uncertainty to the dialog and makes the sentence more wordy.

The word "just" has plenty of good uses, but sometimes writers over use it and it becomes a sort of filler word, or a comfort word. Everyone has two or three words they use more than others like this, but I noticed a few places in your first chapter where your use of "just," wasn't necessary. I probably noticed because "just" is one of those words I try not to over use in my writing. Just, even, ever, are my big ones lol.

I would try to avoid using text in ( ). It breaks the flow of reading.

I'm also not a big fan of talking directly to the reader, but that's a personal preference.

Beyond that, I quite enjoyed your first chapter. Your characters have personality. The opening was unique. You almost lost my interest during the transition from being with his mother to being in the mountains. I feel like you ran through the process of him joining the military and introducing his cousin kinda fast, so fast it almost felt like exposition you just had to get through to get to the next scene. But once we got to the mountains, I was in it. I actually laughed, which is a hard thing to make me do through a book.

I enjoyed the dialog, the way it had a seriousness but also could be awkward at times. Award in that the characters may have felt that way or another, but that was fun or funny to read.

I'd read the next chapter for sure. I'll admit the names are taking some getting used to, but you wrote well enough that the names being an adjustment doesn't feel like a chore, it's just a new flavor.

And one other thing....I like the name "Big "D"ead Energy." I'm not sure if it was intentional or not (im assuming it was) but I like it.

BOMB 2023-09-22 10:42:50 UTC #7

I'll be honest I didn't connect much with you're story. The opening felt like a history/anatomy lesson that could have been explained in another way. The dialog at times felt stiff or scripted. And I found myself having to push myself to keep reading.

You also slip in and out of past and present-tense writing here and there which disrupts the flow of reading.

This story may simply not be for me, but it didn't click. I'm sorry.

Artist3o 2023-09-22 16:28:04 UTC #8

here is link to mine

king-goldfish 2023-09-22 18:30:33 UTC #9

Thank you for the feedback and sub! I think I sometimes go a little overboard and prioritize character voice over readability. Point well taken that I could cut down on the run-on sentences. In this first chapter, I think it's also a consequence of another thing you noticed, which is that I was trying to pack a lot of exposition into a very small space in order to move on with the story. I would like to find a more elegant way to do that, so thank you for bringing it up. I think taking too much time with exposition up front is often a boring way to start a story, but surely I can find a better way to establish the reader in the world than what I currently have.

I should know better than the "just" thing, too.

I'm glad that you didn't find the names a chore. That was something I was worried about. I anticipate it may be a turn-off for some readers, but I'm married to it now.

The title reading that way was intentional lol. It was initially a joke, placeholder title, but I could never think of a better one. This one fits.

Really appreciate your thoughts, and I'm glad you enjoyed it overall.

quintellit 2023-09-23 16:03:04 UTC #10

Deal!

quintellit 2023-09-23 16:05:24 UTC #11

Very fun read!! And easy to get into.

BOMB 2023-09-25 15:33:22 UTC #12

There was quite a bit in your story to be helped.

You have a lot of unnecessary spacing that actually makes your story seem unprofessional and unedited upon first glance.
Overly complicated or too wordy sentences, for example

"A head was peeking out the brightly lit window."

Could have been

"A head peeked through the brightly lit window."

Contractions are your friend, using them will make more of your sentences easier to swallow.
Things felt flat as far as the setting goes. Sure you might have said they were in a room or there was a window but actual descriptions of how things looked were sparse.
The dialog could be worked over more. At the moment, it feels very clunky.

I think you have the makings of a good story. You have a sort of skeleton, and you've begun to put skin on it. But you need more muscle. You need more development and structure. As it is, I probably wouldn't have read beyond the opening sentence because it sounded like something trying to be profound without enough poetry to sell it, and the spacing between every paragraph makes the entire story seem unedited. And I know that probably sounds harsh, but these are all things you can edit. These are all things you can correct or build upon.

For example, your opening sentence is

If reality and dreams are indeed separate, then everything that happened must have been a very realistic nightmare.

But I would have written it something like:

Reality and dreams can never exist at once, but everything that happened, was a nightmare.

Reality and dreams may never touch, but nightmares perhaps were a bridge between the two. I know this to be true, because everything that happened was wonderful and cruel.

If reality and dreams were indeed separate things, then a nightmare was everythimg that happened that day.

BOMB 2023-09-25 15:35:59 UTC #13

This thread was meant more so for novels, written stories.

carmeliabwood 2023-09-28 17:41:14 UTC #14

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Mic_Mac_Roni 2023-09-28 20:14:33 UTC #15

Understood on the past and present tense since I do struggle on that, and it does get better later on. Sorry that my story doesn't connect for you, and you felt pushed to read it. I think maybe that's where you weren't really interested in the characters then that's fair. Probably did felt scripted for you if it doesn't connect to you in a personal level. Thanks for trying.

The introduction was a way to introduce the universe. I can re-word some things.

Mic_Mac_Roni 2023-09-28 20:49:59 UTC #16

I read your chapter too. You did a nice job with the visionary of the room. Although, I assume your character is on the front cover but a little bit more description will help color the imagination. Then again, that might be just the way I like to read a story. The little quips here and there was entertaining.

Thank you for trying and just the same I will proceed on working with my story. I wish you luck on your endeavors!

JeremyMountbatten 2023-09-30 14:21:57 UTC #17

@11keys Here's mine novel bud:

Title: Hellwave: An American's Journey

Genre: Thriller / Horror

Description: In the alternate universe of Jan 2020, an unknown virus called the Hellwave virus spread across the globe, starting a worldwide zombie apocalypse. Apart from fighting zombies, humanity would later face a new enemy called Young Templars, which resulted in a war against them. After the Young Templars kidnapped his sister, a teenage boy named Kodey Zander goes on a treacherous journey to rescue his sister. With the help of a sympathetic Young Templar lady named Sally Flannery, they explore the former US to search for his sister and reunite with Kodey once again.

Rating: Mature, blood, coarse language, gore and gunfire battles.

BOMB 2023-10-03 21:55:12 UTC #18

I gave the prolog and first chapter a read and they both have a distinct problem. Everything is very flat and on the nose.

Characters speak in the most direct way as if they know they're being watched and have to progress the story. For example

If the mom is talking to her kids about their father, why would she feel the need to say "Your Father Daniel" in the same sentence. It's odd to say his title and his name when his children should know who the mother is talking about when she says their father. It's stiff, and it reads more like you're expositing information to the reader than the mother speaking to her children.

In chapter 1 the kids are told they need to get over their mothers death, and in the next sentence apparently they do just that.

I get that you have an order of events, but your characters speak in such a way, and events happen one after the other in a way that makes things feel procedural or computer generated. I don't believe half of the sentences coming out of their mouths because they either have too much information forced in, they all sound the same, or its said in the most direct way without any layers of context or emotion. That's not to say everything is lacking, but I'm not feeling the majority of what I see.

This is honestly the biggest issue that I noticed and I believe if you work on it everything else will naturally get better.

Sorry in advance for being harsh if I come off that way, but I assumed you'd prefer I give you my feedback without beating around the bush. There is potential, its just bare bones right now.

UntiteldMaidens 2023-10-04 19:04:22 UTC #19

just ... dont read the early EPs, just the newer stuff at 150 and beyond.

(sub 4 sub?~)

rosierubycardinal 2023-10-05 04:02:49 UTC #20

So, I tried to give this the amount of effort you gave to past reviews, so enjoy!

Overall, I think the writing's flow clarity-wise is pretty okay. There are a couple of instances of obvious word misplacement and excess commas, but at least for me, that isn't what is making this novel slightly difficult to read. From my very limited glimpse into your writing style through this first chapter, I may be giving pointless advice, so I hope this is not the case. To put it simply, your use of complex/unique metaphors and phrases makes this text a little bit difficult to understand. For example, the whole "blunt instrument" paragraph is almost too complicated for most readers to enjoy reading.

I think you need to get more straight to the point, as by trying to take on a certain voice in your novel, you are making the story more difficult than necessary to understand. While this could be seen as a stylistic choice, you similarly contract both the narrator and Tristan's words, so it seems unlikely. For example, in the "I would have been homeless" paragraph, you talk a bit like Yoda in a way that I assume was to make your writing sound deep and ancient, but instead makes it difficult to read.

Your sentence variety consists of short and shorter, a pattern that is only every once and a while broken by a longer sentence. This makes the pacing seem a little rushed, but overall not too bad.

However, despite your overcomplicated prose, I think you are almost too straight to the point when it comes to our narrator's thoughts and actions. This is especially evident in paragraph 2, where you really directly state MC's thought process.

As for characters, I do not find myself particularly drawn to either lead, yet both seem pretty interesting so far. However, I was a little confused about the part where they were friends. Like, are they friends or not? Similarly, the possible attraction seems a little too sudden.

Plot-wise, I think this is definitely a good start, as there are a lot of questions left unanswered. I think the beginning paragraphs could do with a little more context, as some guy eating meat off of a bone isn't quite as exciting as this scene could be. However, there is definitely a lot going on with your story, which I personally would consider a pro.

Also, you alternate between Tristan and Trisal constantly throughout the chapter - is this intentional?

But overall, I think this is a super solid start!! There is definitely some good content in here, and I absolutely love the first person narration. Good luck with your story!

Thank you for doing this! Here's mine!