First Chapters, I'll read yours if you'll read mine

BOMB 2023-10-06 10:54:55 UTC #21

What were the places you thought I misplaced words?

And I suppose I can understand how some of the writing can seem foreign or complicated, but it's not done to make things sound cool or ancient it's because the main character comes from a place without humans that sees itself above humans but is still influenced by the human world.

And yes I use Tristan and Trisal both because in this story angels and demons have their proper names and they have earth names which are basically less fancy for when talking around humans for example.

I looked over your first chapter and I think my notes for you kinda contrast the notes you had for me.

The biggest thing I noticed is you slip between past and present tense writing quite a bit. That would be the main thing I'd work on if I were you.

After that, I think you can be a little too straight to the point, too blunt at times especially in the dialog. I think everything works, but I feel you could unveil information, back story, and other things in more creative ways. There could be more details that paint a picture. I understood the events happening, but I wanted to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel more.

There was a lot of actions happening, things explained, actions happening, things explained. But I wanted more color, more something. Even the way the main character speaks to the little girl seemed unbelievable because I feel that's the way she would have talked to an adult. She didn't change her way of speaking to account for how young the girl was, she didn't use simpler vocabulary. And she spoke in long sentences too.

But yeah I think you and I might just have different tastes. You probably prefer things more straight forward. I prefer to let things simmer.

rosierubycardinal 2023-10-06 12:55:33 UTC #22

Thank you for the feedback! I read through my chapter, and I couldn’t find any moments where it was not in past tense. Would you mind pointing out where you noticed that so I can fix it?

kingtubz7 2023-10-06 13:01:46 UTC #23

I read and left a comment on your first chapter
Dimensional Detective
In a futuristic cyberpunk world, Ethan is a young engineering technologist running a mechanic workshop while moonlighting as a private detective in the grand city of Techtonia. His life is disrupted by an event of unknown, possibly supernatural, origin in which half the world's population disappears in a flash only to be replaced by mysterious humans not of his time or world. In the chaos that followed, Ethan discovers that his own sister was among the disappeared, prompting him to abandon his old life and embark upon a dimensional journey that'll take him who knows where to solve the mystery, and to save his sister in the process.

BOMB 2023-10-06 14:38:09 UTC #24

A couple that I noticed are

It was at that moment I realized I could not kill this child.

Past tense would be The child, a child, that child

No nine year old could be OK at this moment.

Past tense would be That moment

"Analina was now holding on to me,"

Past tense would be Was then

"Fortunately this was the entrance"
Past tense would be Fortunately it was, Fortunately that was

I couldn't do this.

Past tense would be I couldn't do that, or I couldn't do it.

She was not going to die tonight.

Past tense would be die that night.

Upon closer inspection, the way you have the sentences currently written may not technically be wrong for Past tense but the use of certain words can read as present tense easier than past depending on the way you use it.
Words like "this" vs "that" or "it" can dramatically change how something reads.

And I think my examples are just ways that more clearly read Past tense. Of course I'm writing all of this after not sleeping all night so you may want to look more into it on your own lol

rosierubycardinal 2023-10-06 15:09:45 UTC #25

Thank you for answering! I see where you might have been assuming past vs present now! Personally, I think the use of ‘this’ puts the reader more in the moment, as that is often better when referring to events far in the past, which muddies up the meaning of the sentence and makes it difficult to discern in past narrative whether the narrator is referring to the child or some child from their past. Nevertheless, thank you so much for the feedback and I hope you enjoyed reading!

NetherSlayer 2023-10-29 08:28:17 UTC #26

Hope I'm not too late to participate; going off of the first three chapters here.

Right off the bat, I am slightly taken aback by the self-awareness of the nameless protagonist (he's not given a name in the first two episodes?), and I feel like anyone trying to be aware of their own narcissism already is narcissistic to some degree, but I can't gauge if that's intended just yet.
The first thing Tristan says in episode two implies that he knows the protagonist's halo was taken, not given up; again, not sure if this is intentional and he's just joking or not, but knowing what Aaron thinks on the matter would let the reader know which it is.
I appreciate the apartment number, halfway to 666 plus .5, lol
Is the inability to show themselves to humans the only similarity between demons and angels? I feel like Aaron could probably list a few things and Tristan would lead him on with a "Nope, try again!"
Earth when referred to as the planet should always be capitalized, whereas earth referring to the ground/soil doesn't need to be; I've noticed you bounce between capitalizing and not a few times. Also, if Overlands and Underlands are capitalized, I feel like midlands should be as well.
In chapter 3, it's one thing for Aaron to say 'My roommate' (should be lowercase), and a whole other to say 'My demon'; same with Tristan referring to Aaron as 'my angel', but with Aaron immediately correcting him to say they're friends gives me a better understanding of Aaron's personality and possible position on their unclear relationship.
Speaking of, I'm very confused at their relationship if they've only just met in person the day before, but then Tristan goes and jokes(?) about being lovers. I get they're roommates at the very least, but is that only a thing now because they considered each other as lovers before meeting?
Half way through chapter 3, Aaron says "Trisal, Tristan is..."; I take it this was a typo, and Trisal shouldn't be there at all? Similarly, later on Tarlac says "From what your friend has told me. Living..."; I believe this should be a compound sentence?

Overall, not bad. Starting the story immediately with the meeting of an angel and a demon, who totally usurps expectations, is pretty interesting, but I'm at a loss at their relationship if this was their first time meeting; are there videogames in the Over/Underlands, and that's how they met and got so close to begin with? I like how Aaron would prefer to lie and have a roof over his head than be honest and homeless, just as any normal human would prefer; he's fitting in to life on Earth just fine, with or without his powers.

My novel is of a very different genre; despite being an action/adventure and fantasy/sci-fi novel, I spend a while focusing on the worldbuilding and establishing relations/background for why the main cast sets off on the mission they've been assigned. Definitely a slow burn, but that's in part because this is meant to take place half way into the overall series I'm trying to write, and I'm trying to make up for the lack of anything written beforehand; apologies in advanced if some aspects aren't clear because of that.