Giving some Novel Critiques

[An_Alias]

Hello!

I’m taking a break from writing to read/avoid art block and thought doing a few critiques would help.

Will Read: (The next four to post)

• The first ~2,500 words (unless an amount or section is specified). If it’s a shorter work (~10,000 words) I’ll probably read the whole thing.

• Mature tags/gore/violence/+18/etc.

• LGBT+

• Google doc’s/work posted to other sites

• All genres except those listed below.

Won’t Read:

• Comics

• Poetry

• Romance

• BL/GL

(I have no interest in these. If it’s a side plot it's fine.)

Let me know the type of feedback you’re looking for:

• PM it or is posting it here ok?

• General/first impressions or something specific?

• Any specific scenes or sections?

• Do you have any influences/themes/goals/tones/etc that you’re aiming for?

I want to get better at giving helpful feedback, so let me know if I should rephrase or elaborate on anything! I’m using this as a learning exercise for fun, I’m not trying to insult anyone’s work. Arting is hard and, no matter the skill level, having made something is something to be proud of!
Feel free to critique me back if you want; it's not required. The link to my stuff is in my bio.

[sarahmassey998]

Cool, if you want to check out a horror novel you can try the first couple chapters of mine. I think 2500 words would be either 2 or 3 chapters depending. Feedback alway welcome.

Prometheus Reanimated | Tapas

[EncryptedWriting]

Hi! I was wondering if you could peek at chapter one by chance and just tell me your original first impression? I want to make sure I'm starting off with a bang and something that seems intriguing to the main character. It should be a little bit under 2500 words.

The Forgotten Queen | Tapas

[ratscout]

I'd love to have one on Inheritance! Please reply to me here on the forum, however. Don't leave the critique on the story, please. I'd love an impression/critique on part 2, chapter 1.

https://tapas.io/episode/1297188

[ApplesOverIndia]

I'm always excited for some feedback! If you're willing to review in-progress pieces (ie. Google Docs), I have a novel I recently finished the first draft of that I'd love feedback on. I'd rather not share it publicly, but I can PM you a link if that's okay. I'd prefer PM'd feedback as well (or feel free to leave comments on the Google Doc - I use Word, so that's a copy that you can annotate if you'd prefer).

As for type of feedback, my main questions are:
1. Is it believable? Do you buy this scenario enough for the beginning of a piece?
2. What are your first impressions of the three characters that are introduced?
3. Would you want to keep reading, and why or why not?

Thank you, and I'll go ahead and send you a link; if that's not okay, then just ignore me

[sarahmassey998]

lol didn't recognize you with the new icon, guess you've read more than the first three chapters! feel free to give my slot to someones novel that you haven't read yet.

[An_Alias]

Oh hey! I've read all of Prometheus Reanimated and I'm currently caught up with Rat's Teeth. I'll reread the first few chapters and jot some notes down!

I'll just open up another slot.

[childofbooks]

I would really appreciate it if anyone other than my friends gives feedback.
Any type of feedback is fine :D. Thanks a lot in advance!

Wayback | Tapas

[Zanthus]

Would love some feed back of my series

Sacred Swords | Tapas

[An_Alias]

I’ve noticed you posting edit updates, and it’s been a minute since I’ve read the beginning, so I’m not sure if this is different compared to when I first read it. I’m just going to jot down some notes as I read through.

Ch1:

• The first paragraph (at the beginning) may need one of the longer sentences broken down into two shorter ones. They aren’t confusing to read, but (since it’s the first paragraph) at a first glance it looks intimidating. That being said, if it weren’t the introductory paragraph, it would be gucci.
• The ellipsis here is redundant:
  “True, true but this is hardly a task requiring such social rigidity. A favor for a Society contact and possible Author recruitment…” Gears paused and looked out at the approaching town. “Then again, ill-ease seems to be the natural state for this area.”
  There are a few options for editing it and I’m not super sure which one to recommend since this is more or less a nitpick.
• I like their banter and the way the setting is introduced.
• I read a lot of fiction set in the 1800’s as a kid, so the way they talk and the narration is familiar enough to me. I can’t really comment on what it’s like for a more “green” reader.
• The captain smoking reminds me of that meme of a fish with a cigarette in its mouth.

Ch2:

• This is a personal opinion but I don’t think decay and stagnation are similar. Decomposition is a pretty dramatic process. I do have an uncommon reverence for decay though.
• I either don’t remember, or this is a function of the glamor engines, but does Graves have an accent? Is he from Switzerland?
• I forgot about Gears’ dad! He doesn’t come up much in Rat’s teeth.
  In the paragraph where Armitage is locking up the door there’s a typo: doubled should be doubted.
• The ellipsis in Armitage’s speech are a little excessive. I’m not a fan of ellipsis, so take that with a spoon of salt. it might be because I struggle to understand when to use them vs expanding on what is causing the dialogue pause (describing nervous ticks/environmental interruptions).
• The scene where they turn off their glamor engines happens at a great time pacing-wise!
  If I was Armitage I would not be able to sleep after that
  The ending of this chapter is also a great incentive to go into the next one.

Ch3:

• The pace continues at a satisfying speed with the newspaper insight.
• Armitage being defensive shows he definitely has given thought to his friend being the murderer, which is inline with his character’s intelligence.

General thoughts:

• The city of Arkham reminds me of an anxiety disorder/agoraphobia. It’s described like it’s an organism rather than a collection of organisms. It’s a stronger mental image because of it.
• I tried to recommend your stuff to a friend of mine and trying to sum it up aloud made me sound insane lol. You manage to meld a lot of different things together in a unique way so it’s hard for me to describe it in a summary. I mean this as a compliment! It’s hard to stump my brain like that.

Your stuff is usually polished, so it's hard to give feedback without being nitpicky

[An_Alias]

Hello! I read the prologue and first chapter! Here are my initial notes and then some general thoughts at the bottom:

• Whenever I see a prologue my first thought is “oh no.” I usually skip them when reading (a lot of readers do this), and a lot of the time that means skipping the hook. If you really like the prologue and want to keep it, make sure you maintain an equally solid hook on ch1.

• The prologue is obtuse and carries very little meaning to the reader because it lacks context to the story. It’s trying to initiate that intrigue, but it reads as more of a teaser. It doesn’t provide any information that is essential to know before reading that couldn’t otherwise be provided naturally within chapter one.

A good example of when to use a prologue would be in Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein or the content-warning-esk prologue in Lolita.

Ch 1:

• I think you should move this sentence to be your hook as the first line:
  “The air is cold; I can tell by the frost that litters the ground.”
  And follow it with describing that she is in a tree.

That’ll give you a stronger hook line and get the reader interested in two points:
Why is she in a tree?
Why can’t she feel the cold?

• Since fantasy is the main (?) genre, and she was in a tree, the initial use of the word flight made me think she was actually flying.
• The line about “creatures attempting to avoid their demise” made me think they were somehow trapped in this location for some reason. I’m not sure what is it but the description of how animals interact with her feels a little weird. I’d recommend looking into people’s experiences with accidentally running into bears in the woods. When a bear is nearby the woods will go quiet and still. It’s super eerie and closer to what I think you’re going for while she’s in the tree. A bobcat would be better for the hunting part.
• “My eyes look towards the creatures” is a confusing paragraph because I’m not given much description as to where or what these creatures are. All the reader knows is that she jumped down from a tree and is standing on the ground in a forest.
• “They are rare to eat because they have venom injected into their tusks.” means that an outside force is putting venom into their tusks, which I don’t think is what you meant. Also, I wouldn’t consider being gored by a boar a sting unless it’s a reaaaaaally small boar. Maybe stab or graze?
• How far away is she from this pig? What is between her and it that it can’t see her?
• Minutes is a long time when talking about holding onto a thrashing boar. You could probably swap it out for seconds, especially since its thrashing will make the venom spread faster.
• I like that drinking blood gives her a high afterward!
• This is a personal preference, but whenever the setting changes enough to use a dash page break I always feel like it would be better to make it a new chapter. It creates a weird pause in the flow of reading for me.
• “My breath comes out in withdrawn breaths” is repetitive.
• Oh! A Jekyll and Hyde situation? If that’s the case ignore my comment about the dashed page break.
• I don’t know if I understand how dry air can taste bitter?
• Wrinkles “littering” a face is a strange way to phrase it.
• If they are peasants they’re probably the ones making the mush right? She should probably know what it’s made from (potato/grits/vegetable peelings from bins/etc). This detail seems small, but it'd be good for world-building and immersion to know what their food is and by extension where it's coming from within their environment.
• I don’t know what a “wash hole” is or why it is “persisting”. What is causing it to persist?
• I like her mom! I’m worried about how she’s getting this money.

General thoughts:
A lot of the sensory descriptions feel out of tune with how those sensations are normally described/perceived (in my experience). I would compare it to being almost synesthesia-inducing.

The concept is definitely interesting, so don't worry about that! I like the rags to riches premise on top of the medieval vampire (undead?) theme you have going on!

I’m more interested in what the mc is rather than who she is if that makes sense?

Since your MC doesn’t talk in the first part of the chapter it’s a great opportunity to use environmental storytelling to convey the setting and backstory to the reader. Are the boar numbers dwindling because of her frequent hunting? Are there fewer animals around in general because they have come to recognize this as her hunting grounds? Is she new to this area and enjoying a larger population of animals to choose from? Is the kingdom rich/poor? Is there a paved/dirt road leading to the gate? Is the wall mossy and old or new and clean? Stuff like that.

[EncryptedWriting]

You have no idea how much this helps me. It is so important for me to hear it from a constructive point of view, you have no idea. Thank you so much for taking the time out and reading it.

[An_Alias]

I'm glad! Let me know if anything I said is confusing or if you need me to find examples of anything for you

[EncryptedWriting]

Haha thank you, and no those all make perfect sense. Since you won't read further, I will spoil that her mom doesn't actually pay for the dress, it was the king.

[An_Alias]

Since I’ll be jumping into the story some of the concerns I have might be fixed by the context. Here are my notes from part 2 ch 1:

• Oh, art! Them looks like they are up to no good.
• “Unlucky waif” relatable
• Ah! I love how snarky the first paragraph is! I genuinely laughed pretty hard!
• “His most recent misfortune was being recruited by the Asterial Elves to go die in the Crater of Resentment.” Is a wonderful sentence. The clash of “go die” with the rest of the diction makes it.
• I’m confused on how getting banished works. I’m not sure if everyone gets banished when they turn 16, or if that's just him/his race? If it’s just him why does he know that? Why were his parents banished?
• If his adopted parents don't like him why did they adopt him? Do they get money from the government for taking him on? Do they gain favor in the community? Is he like a stray cat to them? What's their goal here?
• If he isn’t forced to leave was he forced to stay? Why didn’t his parents take him with them?
• Your writing voice is very nice and warm! It’s like I’m listening to a wizard telling me a story.
• The focus is very “zoomed out”. What I mean is that the story is told from a detached omniscient point of view. Instead of getting immersed into the mc’s experiences, the reader is the camera watching the mc. Third-person omniscient! That's the word. It's done very well!
• Why is he in a carriage now? I don’t know who Eory is so I’m assuming this has to do with an earlier part!

General Thoughts:

• The overall tone is warm/friendly, humorous, and high fantasy eloquent. Your writing voice is really enjoyable and it was a fun read!

• I’m reminded of an old text adventure game for some reason. I can’t remember which one exactly, maybe Zork?

• This chapter does say “waif” quite a bit, but I’m not put off by the repetition at all. It’s a fun word. It does also sound like it might be the name of a race/culture in context?

[ratscout]

I'm so glad you caught the humor in there. XD I'm always afraid my stories are too depressing, haha. Good to hear a compliment centered around humor. <3

As for getting banished, we learn more about it later, but it happens to waifs when they break a religious or cultural rule. The reason why his parents adopted him is because it's another cultural expectation amongst waifs to take on the child of banished parents. As for why his adoptive parents didn't really like him... well, I'll probably delve more into it later, but this type of thing happens in the real world all the time. A lot of the time, parents who already have biological children will adopt a child, and I don't know what it is, but generally, the parents will not treat that child as well as they treat their biological children, even if they originally intended to. There's a lot of interesting statistics on adopted/fostered children.

And yeah, the carriage part is part of an earlier part. XD I'm also happy you enjoy the third person omniscient POV. I'm always a little worried that people will be put off by it.

Thank you for the thorough critique on this random chapter! I'll be sure to go through and make it clearer that not all waifs are banished, and to reduce the amount of times I sat waif, hehe.

[An_Alias]

Hah! Same, I always accidentally end up writing sad stuff. In the novella I just finished writing the main characters are all foster kids!

[An_Alias]

Hello!
Since it is fairly short so far, I read everything you have posted. Is your first language something other than English? Knowing this will help me get a better idea of where your writing is coming from.

The explosion:

• “She just wanted to get over with every single work she had, to go back.” I’m not sure what exactly this means. Maybe try rephrasing it?
• This is a solid opening! It's a good hook to keep the reader invested into the next chapter.

A Falling Stranger and Waking Up:

• The dialogue is a little stiff. They’re speaking a bit formally for having grown up together. This also might be a language/culture difference though?
• Keep an eye on your tenses. It sometimes shifts from past tense to present tense.
  Ex: “They were getting sick of this tiny town that they knew every single detail about.” Is past tense. “So do the other younger people.” Is present tense.
• I like Rehan and Majeer’s interaction overall, it feels natural.
• What kind of birds croak? Croak is usually a frog sound.
• Some of the word choices are a little off. I can usually understand what’s being said, but try to keep an eye on the conjugations.
  Ex: “Felisa felt scared for the girl, and useless for can’t doing anything to help.” The word “can’t” should be replaced with “not”.
• I like the concept of this power they have! I’m not sure if it’s different per person or if everyone's powers share the same basic elements.
• I love how Eda expresses her fascination with the night sky. It’s very cute.
• She was unconscious for 9 days?! She should be so hungry!
• “...unlimited power and solid strength of motherhood.” Is a fun sentence
• I like how Rehan observes how out of place Eda looks and that Eda is terrible at drawing. Their personalities are getting more distinct the further I read.
• The last chapter where they are both having one sided conversations is a fun scene.

General Thoughts:

• Overall I think the premise and characters are interesting!
• I can tell you know exactly what you want to write, but sometimes the English is a little wonky. I think it’s mostly the conjugations. In my opinion, that's the most difficult aspect of any language. English is especially difficult since it’s three languages in a trench coat.
• You have a promising writing voice! Definitely keep at it!
• If I were to recommend a way to improve it would be to keep reading books you enjoy. Being an avid reader will always help improve your writing skills!

[An_Alias]

Hello! I would love to read your story but unfortunately, it's in a comic format . I'm not currently doing any comic critiques.

[sevenstarsofeightIam]

Just whatever you think.

The Faerie Dusters | Tapas

Star Seeders | Tapas

The Space Bum | Tapas