Giving some Novel Critiques

[An_Alias]

Hello!
I read episodes 1-3. Here are my first impression notes and then some general ones at the bottom.

Novel Description

• I’m going to be a little nit-picky with it since this is one of the first things a potential reader will see. It’s a little hard to read in one go, especially with how long the first sentence is.
• This line specifically is also confusing:
  “Will the two worlds clash or would it exist within one another peacefully?”
  Suggested edit:
  “Will the two worlds clash or exist within one another peacefully?”

First Impressions:

• The description of how this initial scene looks is very interesting!
• I like that the dialogue is in italics to show that it’s echoing/ethereal!
• I like this trial scene and Harut’s character! It’s very reminiscent of the fall of Lucifer.
• “Page number 666” I'm always down for a plot about the biblical devil. This part takes place at midnight but the witching hour is usually associated with 3:00am. The three supposedly mocks the holy trinity. This might not be a universal thing though.
• Oh did Ramzi make a deal with the devil?
• Incase you wanted to expand on the city burning scene: Burning hair/fur smells awful. It’s kind of like sulfur mixed with burning popcorn. Smoke from burning bodies is thick blck and oily.
• “... she screamed even louder almost sounded like a banshee crying threatened the ground to fissure deeper.” Try rephrasing this. I think it's saying that her crying is causing the ground to crack open and fissure?

General thoughts:

• The pacing feels good! I like that there's no filler.
• A lot of these sentences are very long. Don't be afraid to break them up into smaller ones! Having a variety of sentence lengths makes it easier for the reader to stay engaged and keep track of what’s happening. From the looks of it, it seems like you might be having trouble knowing when to break up one train of thought.

Here is the original sentence:

“The tables were arranged in half circle shape, behind it were hundreds of people sitting sharply on white tiers of seats, they all dressed the same; in white maxi long sleeves robes with hoods covering their heads.”

This is a run on sentence. It’s very long with multiple commas where full stops should be.

Here is that sentence broken down into individual thoughts:

“The tables were arranged in a half-circle shape. Behind it were hundreds of people sitting sharply on white tiers of seats. They all dressed the same; white maxi, long-sleeved, robes with hoods covering their heads.”

You don’t have to break it up in this way exactly.

• Sometimes the tense shifts from past to present. This may be a conjugation issue if your first language isn’t English.
  Ex:
  Is = present tense
  Was = past tense

• The word choice is a little clumsy at times, it's not hard to understand or anything though. It sounds like there may be some unfamiliarity with the language?

• The premise is interesting! I like where its going and concepts of the descriptions are solid!

[An_Alias]

Hello!
I did fix my link, thanks for the heads up!

I read episode 1-7 and have answered your specific question at the bottom in the general thoughts.

Detailed First Impressions:

• oh art! It definitely helps convay the mood you’re going for.
• I’m not a fan of prologues. Most of the time they’re used incorrectly inplace of a hook. A prologue is only necessary if the context needs to be explained to the reader for the content to make sense. An example of this would be the content-warning-esk prologue to Lolita. If you want to keep your prologue, make sure you put an equally strong hook on chapter one because a lot of readers will skip the prologue.
• The first paragraph of chapter one shifts from past tense to present, then the next paragraph is back to past tense. Make sure you’re consistently staying in one tense.
• “Just” is a filler word that you can almost always remove, especially if it's not within dialogue. It’s usually a little redundant and slows down the reader.
• Lol this chauffeur is rude as hell
• So far Carole has a lot of traits that remind me of ASD. That's not to say that she is or not, there are just similarities in there. I like her character! I can relate to being a social doofus.
• There are some grammar errors and sentence fragments that you could probably clean up with a reread or if you plug it into grammarly. They’re frequent enough that it’s worth going back to touch up. This will improve clarity.
• The tour part feels like filler. There's very little happening and her initial run in with the tall boy could probably happen anytime she’s walking down a hallway.
• Ghost dogs?!
• Note 1 reads like a clinical prologue
• What does she teach? It doesn't go into any detail on what she teaches or why shes a teacher.

General Thoughts:

• You’re definitely succeeding in the melancholic atmosphere!
• Something about the tone reminds me of the game Pathologic.
• Try using a grammar checking app/program like grammarly. They aren’t perfect but it’ll help clean up some of the frequent little errors.
• The beginning is on the slow side, but it sounds like that's what you’re going for.
• The world and lore are very interesting! The red fog is a heavy visual.
• You should probably foreshadow what the main/first conflict is within the first 6 episodes to keep the reader on the hook. (unless you did and I missed it?) This will help you keep the slow buildup pace you want without the reader losing interest.
• I like that the smog is mysterious and almost like a living thing.

[Freemints30]

Thank you alot for the feed back.

Carole was supposed be purposefully off in alot of way. I wouldn't call it traditionally ASD simply due to different biology and reason we will find out later. but yes if she was human she would be on the spectrum. Im believe Im kinda on the spectrum myself so I just found her POV easier to write overall.

The tour was more to get certain things I wanted to establish outta the way since it was techincally part of the previous episode but that episode got too long so I had to split it. So yeah that's kinda why it was sorta filler. It was just part of the last episode that got too long. I would go back to do some editing once I finished my manuscript completely since that was a rushed editing job lol

As for what she teaches, It was previously included when I first posted however I got fearful it was too much like filler so I removed that part just to get to the point faster. But yeah I should eleborate the episode isn't that long. I hated that episode to be honest .

Oh as for the slow pace, Well, lest just say everything that happens in the 6 episode would appear again and again with more context. I just have alot to establish lol.

Im glad I got my tone right with this thing. I love pathologic despite it being initially hard to get into. I just adore the world and that atmosphere. I know my grammer isn't the best but I hope once I go back to edit it would have improved enough to make the first part more presentable.

Thank you sooo much for the feed back this was very helpful and Im glad what I wanted to convey was clear enough. Just kinda wished to fix up...certain episode.

Wish you luck

[An_Alias]

Hey! I read episodes 1 and 2!

First Impressions:

• The novel description is good!
• GREAT 🏼 HOOK LINE 🏼 It's short, simple, and creates intrigue.
• I like the build in paragraph length from one short sentence, to a longer one, to two. It builds tension and creates this focusing in effect.
• It's very lore heavy right off the bat. It's throwing a bit too much at the reader at once making it hard to digest. * I’m sure the premise is thought out with a lot of detail, but the reader doesn’t need to know all of the set up right away. It feels almost like this is a sequel to an earlier work?
• “Pathokinesis given substantial structure, fully prepared to become unstable once needed.” I have no idea what this means. I know it's talking about the jade thing but that's it. It’s its own paragraph too so it's floating and unconnected to any other thought that would give it context.
• The initial mystery of this jade vein is interesting!
• Admittedly, reading chunks of world building/lore is not my favorite thing, but the lore here seems well thought out!

General Thoughts:

• The art is super cool!
• There are a lot of ellipses. I see this a lot with new-ish writers and drafts. Instead of using them try expanding on what is causing the pause in the dialogue/narration (nervous fidgeting/environmental interruptions). Also think about whether those pauses are adding something to the scene or if they're just delaying the reader. You also don't need an ellipsis before a dialogue tag that is interrupting the dialogue. The tag creates a pause while reading, making the ellipsis redundant.
• Sometimes the style things are written in comes off as overly wordy and needlessly confusing. Let me know if you have any specific works that you’re taking inspiration from. I think it’s going for a victorian/Edwardian/old english fantasy feel? I’d recommend finding a few published books with plots set in the 1700-1800’s (not necessarily published in the 1700-1800’s) and using those as diction references! (The “A Great and Terrible Beauty” series would be a decent example if I’m remembering it correctly. There are plenty of fantasy books that use similar diction as well!) This will help you build a strong base to expand on!
• Keep an eye on your tense, some parts shift from past to present.
  Ex:
  “Vandrake’s warm back deserts her at that point, and Suren squeak in protest at his sudden movement even with her voice still being sealed.”

Is present tense.

“Directly at that point Suren looked up to him worriedly - seemingly having understood the same notion - before she stomped her heel down hard enough for them to actually hear it, but no sound was being made…”

Is past tense (It’s also very long and might be a run-on at the end there).

• There are quite a few very long/run-on sentences and little grammar errors that add up and make some parts difficult to understand on a single pass. Grammar checking apps are great for pointing out the majority of these! They usually help with tenses as well!
• I really like the use of telepathy!
• Overall, the visual descriptions and premise are strong!

[surenlicious]

Thank you for giving me your thoughts! I can certainly work with this, I truly appreciate it!

[An_Alias]

I’m glad! Let me know if you need more examples, or if you disagree with anything and why!

[cyborgmermaid]

If you'd like to give mine a read, romance is the subplot. Posting here or PM is ok and I'm looking for general feedback on prose and story structure. Does the story seem to flow well from chapter to chapter? Any insights you can give me for improvement would be great. Thank you for the opportunity.

Stargazer | Tapas

[neidarous]

Thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it

[An_Alias]

Hello! I read from The siege through chapter 5. I have also answered your questions towards the bottom!

Gneral Feedback on Prose and Story Structure:

• Soyer is introduced and dies on almost the same page. It’s almost comedic, but I don’t think that’s the intention. His death didn’t receive many details, which is adding to how inconsequential it comes across. Ellery doesn’t seem very attached to him at the time either.
• The Siege works really well as a prologue or a chapter one!
• Queen should be capitalized since it’s being used as a title in place of a name.
• The morality of these vampires is very punk.
  “... a little bit of throat still stuck in her teeth.” Ick! I love and hate this sentence.
• Goth club vampires vs unicorns and fairies is such a stark aesthetic clash! It's really neat!
• Oftentimes the dialogue is formatted with a new sentence usurping the dialogue tag.
  EX:

“I can make it. If I carry the girl and one other,” the unicorn looked back at the door.

That end bit is not a dialogue tag (unless it’s a type/style/format I haven't heard of?). It should be formatted as it’s own sentence.

“I can make it. If I carry the girl and one other.” The unicorn looked back at the door.

You don’t need to add a tag on top of this! When following up dialogue with a description of something that that character is doing, it’s clear to the reader that that’s who was speaking.

• Typically a pronoun (she/he/they/we) refers to the last noun/name that was used. Some of the scenes and dialogue are confusing because of this not being the case.
• The overall concept/tone loosely reminds me of the “Night World” books that I read as a kid! It feels nostalgic for me.
• From what I can tell I’d describe the writing style as simplistic, fast-paced, and friendly! All good things. It’s not “lush” in its descriptive nature compared to a lot of traditional “high fantasy” styles.
• The only part of the plot that I’m concerned about would be that unicorn death scene.
• Does the story seem to flow well from chapter to chapter? Yea! Maybe for some readers the time jumps take some getting used to? It’s written consistently enough that I don’t think this is a problem!

[cyborgmermaid]

Much appreciated! I can take a look at that scene and see how to rework it and I'll also look at the dialogue format issue. Thank you so much for the feedback!

[CodeNameYogurt]

https://tapas.io/series/Destiny-Destroyers

Hit me with that critique juice

[An_Alias]

Hello! I read chapters 1-4!
Gonna be honest, there's some wonky stuff going on in the logic of this setup. None of your tags say it’s a comedy or anything, so I’m going to critique from the standpoint that this is shooting for something generally believable. If I’m incorrect in assuming that, please let me know!

• The first episode ends well! It’s very dramatic!
• The characters don’t need to eat like real people. What I mean is, food can be either a prop, motivation, obstacle or source of conflict. Food is not a current concern for the characters/plot, and it’s not being used to drive the plot. The reader will assume characters eat off-screen if it isn’t mentioned.
• Is Ulrich’s peanut allergy important to the plot? I’m gonna call Chekhov’s gun on it since this could be a life or death linchpin. If this detail isn’t crucial for a later scene, you should probably omit it. (A great example of a nut allergy being used in a plot is in the movie Hereditary)
• Is Ulrich supposed to be wealthy? He’s moving his entire room with him for college. His mom gives him $5,000 and he doesn’t even blink at it. She also tells him to spend it however he wants (His mom seems to be a cashier, so they can’t be that well off?). He’s completely unfazed by the helicopter ride. He’s also weirdly obsessed with going to college, especially for living in an apocalypse scenario.
• The characters' emotions rarely transfer over into their speech or actions. The reader can’t tell what a character is feeling unless it’s described. Show, don’t tell!

Remember to use body language! Shuffling back and forth/fidgeting with an object could mean a character is nervous. Clenched fists could mean they’re angry. A slouched posture could mean they’re sad. Describing facial expressions is also a good route to take. The inflections in someone's voice can also be used.

• All of the characters kind of talk the same. Dialogue is tricky for a lot of writers!

Find some references for how you want your characters to sound. This can be a person from your life (mom, friend, etc.), a movie, or youtube (preferably a vlog format so you can get a sense of how they talk normally). You can also take notes of conversations you overhear in public for general reference!

There are a ton of tips out there for writing dialogue, and there is a thread on here about it as well!

• There's a lack of description when it comes to the fight scenes. They aren’t confusing, but it makes it feel like there isn’t much happening.
  Ex: It doesn’t describe what happens to the demons when they’re hit with anything other than the ice. Do they disintegrate? Poof into smoke? Runaway?

• The concept itself is interesting! I like the power/magic gloves! It’s more so the setup and characters that needs some attention.

[CodeNameYogurt]

Thanks for the critique! His mom owns the store and he worked there for a few years, so I probably should have mentioned that, as well as the helicopter being from the government to try find survivors. If it's a lack of reaction, he was just really tired, I guess. But still, major help with the editing, props! and yeah it's not really a comedy

[Lemon_Demon]

Hey!
This is a sci-fi web novel, where our main protagonist meets someone one day, who looks almost exactly like him. Then he finds out the truth behind his “doppelgänger” and his whole life gets turned upside down.
Follow Esae as his life takes a wild turn.

And yes I know there are a lot of grammatical errors and with my writing style, this is my first web novel. I'm writing this to just see what works and what doesn’t.
So taking that in mind I’d like you see to see
1) whether you can follow through the plot
2) Pacing is good or not?
3) how is the writing style(ik its not perfect but I’d like to improve)
Thank you in advance^^!

Dianchian | Tapas

[An_Alias]

Hello! Since you’re looking for more general feedback on your writing style and the plot, I’m going to completely ignore the grammar. I will go over some formatting though. I read everything you have posted!

• Is the title phonetic mandarin? Little something? Small battery?
• How do you pronounce Ease? I’m not familiar with this as a name. (Ee-s?)
• His dad is really paranoid about this watch. Is the watch important to the plot?
• Show, don’t tell.

Ex:
This is telling:
“Suddenly the ground started shaking. It was violent, one not seen since the DianChain of 1930.”

Telling the reader it was violent doesn't show them what violent means here. Was the building creaking? Windows breathing? Are car alarms going off? Distant scream? Etc. Another example is in the description of the two Ease’s. The reader is told they look the same but (apart from the eye mole and one of them having purple highlights) not shown what they look like.

This issue does improve in more recent chapters, but still keep an eye on it.

• When there are more than two characters in a scene, make sure the reader knows who's talking. Parts of the conversation on the ship are confusing.
• Does the font change size on purpose? The tapas dashboard can be kind of glitchy, so watch out for that.
• It’s weird to bring up that Ease remembers living in a different dimension only after being questioned.
• A lot of the text is shifted down to create a new paragraph when there's no reason for it to be a new paragraph. Sometimes it looks like every sentence is its own paragraph. Is there a reason for this?
  Dialogue from one character should be its own paragraph.

EX:
“Alright I’m gonna explain from the beginning,” she grunted.

“Tch, listen carefully. I’m not going to repeat anything.”

If this is the same character talking it should be a single paragraph. When a new paragraph is made between sections of dialogue it’s telling the reader that someone else is talking now. There are a few exceptions to this (ex: long-winded explanations where the topic of discussion is shifting), but it doesn’t happen often.

• His name is Anakin? Like, Star Wars Anakin? Anakin Skywalker?
• How did Ease get off of Alpha Earth if the portal device isn’t working?
• The description of the meeting room is good!
• The people in the organization (especially during the meeting) speak very and behave informally/unprofessionally.
• Is the entire world of Alpha under a single governing authority? Are all of the versions of Eather?
  “Interdimensional equivalent” and “interdimensional equal” are too close to being the same word. One needs a different name in order to differentiate the concepts.
• The Dianchian’s sound similar to how gravitational waves bend space-time (except they don’t cause “earthquakes” since they’re bending space-time itself). Gravitational-wave astronomy would probably be a good reference to look into if you wanted some real-world inspiration (if you haven’t already)! The Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory (LIGO) is specifically the telescope I’m thinking of, but I’m sure there are others.
• (Ch8) College’s don’t call home if you stop coming to class. You don’t need to tell them you’ll be absent unless a specific professor has a policy. Is it a private university maybe? I’ve also never heard of someone’s pay being docked for pulling a no-call no-show if they’re not on salary (I also don’t know of any part-time jobs that pay salary instead of hourly). Most people would just be fired.

1) Can you follow through with the plot?
Yea, I don’t see any issues with the plot that would make it difficult to follow along. It’s not convoluted, nor is it presented in a confusing way. The only thing that isn’t super clear yet is Uncle Jay’s status as a traitor. The scene with Mischa is also a little confusing because I didn’t think the entire organization was on this one ship together.

2) Is the pacing good or not?
In the beginning, yes! It gets a little slow towards the end of what you have posted. The characters are all basically in a waiting room and the reader doesn’t know what their purpose is or why they’re here (other than they’re not allowed to touch each other or the world ends, and there is an investigation).
You’ve given the reader the who, what, when, where, but not the why. Why should the reader care? What is specifically keeping these characters personally connected to the plot? It does seem like this is probably going to happen in the next chapter, maybe concerning Ease’s dad?

3) Writing style:
It’s simplistic and good-humored. There isn’t much of a writer’s voice yet, but I think it might be because you’re not sure where to push and pull the tone? I don’t really have any advice I can give on this since it’s like finding your art style. You just gotta keep at it and it’ll find you.

[Lemon_Demon]

Ah, thank you for your review!

-For the title, well it was really random, yes it can be translated in mandarin, but it is just a word in this story.
-Esae is pronounced as. E-say.
-Yes the watch is important to the plot. (all gets explained later)

-Ah yes I'm also working on the previous chapters, I've been told I need to work on the descriptions a bit more.
And I still have not updated the first few chapters so.

-The font size, honestly idk why sometimes it changes, its the issue of the website - basically not intentional.

-Well, l yes I do know the dialogues are supposed to be one paragraph but it gets long sometimes, so I switch to a different paragraph.

-Yes, I suppose, its Anakin like the Star Wars one.

-About the portal device, we explain everything as the chapters progress. I am not going to explain everything in the beginning right, gotta have some suspense

-Yes, it was meant to be like that, where people behave unprofessionally, that's the whole gist.

-Yes, Alpha is under a single governing body, and yes there are other versions of Esae (ofc), all of this possibilities and facts get discussed in the later chapters.

-Yeah probably due to some college professors; and regarding Jay’s work , its not mentioned what he does now. So its definitely something which needs notice of absence.

-Well Uncle Jay isn’t the traitor, its clearly hinted as Tae’s father(spoilers)

-The entire organisation wasn’t in the ship. As if you read the whole chapter, you’ll see that they(Anakin, Reina, Jay, Esae and Tae) dropped off in-front of a building, and then they went in. And the first part fo the chapter also shows that Mischa clearly went inside a building. So it was the Omegan Organisation.

-Honestly I thought I was taking things a bit too fast, so I thought I’d give the readers a breathing space where the characters explore their feelings after this event(as I did not talk much about that).
And I plan to for Tae to find a book and read about Alpha’s current status, and then an attack happens in the agency(spoilers) so don't worry I’ll pick up the pace.
-Yes. This is my first novel, so I’m just really using this to see what works and what does not.

AGAIN THANK YOU FOR YOUR REVIEW! This has been the more helpful review I have gotten so far!

[Pony_wearing_a_hat]

Hey, I don't think I've been on this thread before, so here goes:

posting it here is fine by me, and as long as you don't mention my spelling/grammar (I know it's bad, I'm working on it) then anything you think is right is fine by me!

Post-Apocalyptic Introductions | Tapas

[An_Alias]

Sweet! Glad that was helpful. I'm trying to be better with my phrasing because I'm naturally very blunt and tend to come off harsh.

It does look like I somehow skipped the second half of chapter 5. You're right, they clearly land and then go into a building. Sorry about that!

The foreshadowing on Ease's father being the traitor is done well! I thought Jay might also be one (undercover) because he's his equivalent, and also this thought line:
"All that training in the academy wasted on this, Jay thought."
I tried to look back and see if an academy was mentioned earlier for context but, if it was, I didn't see it. I assumed this had something to do with the ASR rebellion group. (I did accidentally skip half a chapter though, so maybe it's my bad again lol)

Explanations and world-building generally read kind of slow, so you're pacing isn't too fast! I don't think you're throwing too much information at the reader either, so you're balancing it well! I do agree with you on your plan to let the character breathe for a scene to reflect on their feelings before heading into the next conflict!

[An_Alias]

Hey! Sorry it took me a while to get back here. I’ve already read all of it before, but I did skim through again (grammar ignoring glass are on!). Because your write in a very stylized way, I’m gonna focus on this piece as a whole.

• Because it’s a character study, it’s hard to critique without viewing it as a whole.
• The entire work is a bottle episode! I love bottle episodes. Since this is a monologue-heavy character study, keeping the set and cast limited is a great choice. I don’t know what you have planned for the second part, but I would imagine keeping it in this type of setting would be the way to go.
• I have no idea how the world ended in this smog scenario and I think the work is better off because of it. Leaving it a mystery makes it more interesting since it isn’t really about that anyway (at least in part 1?).
• After knowing the ending, the second read is better! The little quips between everyone and Agony make more sense.
• The ending is great! You could get away with foreshadowing it more.
• The only sense of a plot is the twist with Ruby. The connecting theme is the apocalyptic event that got them all here. There doesn’t seem to be a moral? I guess it might be nihilism, but it’s pretty loose. Maybe I’m not seeing it because you’re writing the second part yet?
• I’m going to compare it to the play “Cats” (this has nothing to do with the weird CGI in the movie version lol). Its plot is loose because that's not what it’s about. It’s a character study on increasingly zany characters. It’s a fun watch, but critiques on the plot ultimately don’t mean anything because the plot is only there to create the characters. Whether this is a good or bad thing is entirely opinion-based.
• “Bright. Apple. Crush.” is an example of a character study (also monologue-based) format that uses the collective of the backstories of the characters to convey an overarching plot and moral. (The script itself is copyrighted, but there are performance recordings of it on youtube that are easy to find. It’s a 10minute play.)

Sorry, I keep referring to theater stuff, I don’t have any experience with this writing style in other formats. Overall I think it’s done well if you wanted it to be an entertaining character study! If you want it to present a moral, you can safely push that aspect harder.

[Pony_wearing_a_hat]

Thanks for the great review! (And I'm a musical theater nerd, so I fully understood the cats comparison, you might find it interesting that the story was partially inspired by. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf) I do plan on having a moral come up in part two, but I didn't feel like the first part needed one. I'm planning for the whole thing to be a pessimistic part one, realistic part two, and optimistic (kinda) part three. Glad you liked the Ruby twist!

Thank you so much for giving so much time and effort into reviewing my little story!

Now to go find Bright. Apple. Crush.