I read Chapters 1 and 2 (congratulations on being the first novel I've read on this website!) and overall it was an okay read. Beyond a few broad criticisms that I will get to in a moment, there was only one technical error I found in Chapter 1 which is an easy fix:
“What do know about horses?” I asked.
Presume there's supposed to be a 'you' in there?
Anyway. Before I start, I'd also like to add that I really like the banner you've used for the novel. That's a really cool style you have there and it makes me wish the story had illustrations, so nice one! Really impressed.
Now, on to the sterner stuff...Truth be told, I haven't really got the stones for harsh, uncensored criticism even when I stumble over something irredeemably lousy. That being said, I couldn't find anything glaringly offensive about what you've produced here, only there's something pretty eh about the whole that I can't quite put my finger on. I suppose in a nutshell it's a little bland.
I noticed in the comments that someone likened the style of the story to The Dark Tower by Stephen King which I, personally, have never read. Perhaps if I had, your writing would be more to my taste, or I could at least better appreciate the atmosphere you're trying to achieve. As it is, the novel simply reads like one of those Fighting Fantasy books I played as a kid-- you know the ones where you roll the dice and turn to a page to continue the story?-- which would be perfectly fine if this were a game and not a novel (I really enjoyed their brevity myself) only this just isn't creative enough to hold my attention. I'll try to expand on that.
It just feels empty. There's no real heart or soul to this story. I can see you're passionate about action and grit, and I'm all for classic fantasy themes used well, but it does seem a bit like an alien sat down and googled 'fantasy hero story' and threw something together from the first line of results.
Beaten up dustbowl town where even the children deserve brutal slaughter? check... Helpless damsel in distress for a much-needed morality check? You bet...Mysterious, badass loner with scars, spurs, and crazy eye?...Of course!...Ex-student assassin crouching on rooftops, hunting for revenge? Oh, go on then...
Actually, I think I literally played a game where this was the exact opening scenario. Captured innocent, evil dustbowl village, go to an inn, bribe the patrons, leave after destroying EVERYTHING.
And that's fine!! Really! I like a little predictability. It's familar and pleasant and I feel at home. Trouble is, I just don't care about any of it, I'm sorry to say. I don't like Abelard enough to want to know more about him. He's a pig! I didn't even know his name till half way through Chapter 2, and even then all I really know is that he has very little forethought, treats his travelling companion like dirt, and almost every part of him stinks to high heaven. Sure, he's a war-hardned cynic with some very blatant skeletons in the closet-- I get it, I write, too-- but I still need something to hold out for in terms of character development to make the slog through the foul behaviour worth the while, and if we're starting this low down and I'm still waiting by Chapter 2, I'm sorry but I'm outta there.
...Actually I was outta there from about mid-way through Chapter 2 when everything exploded into violence for no apparent reason. Did Jongleur do that to the Inquisitor?? I was baffled. And why was the acrobat involved?? Is she with Jongleur too? Or does everyone just hate Paladins? Also, did Abelard unhitch Mona from the post? I presumed he just left her there and that's where Jongleur spotted her from the roof (because if she was with Abelard, wouldn't Jongleur have spotted him immediately like he did her?). I dunno. It got crazy and my mind noped when the mother got cut in half.
Last point (and maybe this is a just a personal thing) but I find it really jarring when fantasy stories like this fall back on modern languages and places. You mention Africa at one time, and 'El Gato' (the Khajiit?) is, what...Spanish? Come oooon, you can do better than that! I've already bought into the idea of Yscyigg the crazy tentacle goddess, you'd be forgiven for throwing in a few fantasy-name-generated placeholders to get the story by!
Overall-- closing statement-- in the two-ish chapters I read the story and storytelling are simple to a fault. I'm dying for a little more character nuance. You've established Abelard as a badass, you've established a dangerous past and shady dealings with gods, now make me care about him as a person, and about the people he meets. You may have already done this in later Chapters, I really don't know, but as a new reader I this is all I can suggest. Hope this helps you somehow, either way. Good luck!
