@MeadowHaven
So, uhm, I realized after this is probably not what you meant, but have this as well I guess;
https://www.deviantart.com/stash/01mlowdsv7yb if that image is too small and unreadable or w/e
As for a review, I only really went through the first chapter here since I gotta go make myself dinner before it gets too late, but for this one I can definitely say it's attention grabbing and makes the audience curious about what's to come next. It's a great hook! Well done! Easy to follow, flows well on both the eyes and story wise, I do find you use a lot of the same works so shaking some up might help out.
I'm also a sucker for description-- if you read my work ("A collection of shorts" if you kinda wonna get a feel for where I'm coming from, granted all the best chapters are rated M so... yeah.) you'd see I get overindulgent with it, but I would have loved to see more from yours. I saw a bit of getting visceral with the emotions, describing the heat in the character's chest, which is great, but I woulda loved to see more! Which is... the opposite advice you seemed to have gotten from the other story/commentor so take that as you will. I am a horror writer and don't typically read this genre so this kind of stuff is quite out of my depth and the frame I'm coming from. So perhaps the style I like/advise might not work as well with your genre, I suppose I'm not the kinda person you're really looking for advice from hah;;;
