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BadCrow2018
Sep '17

Hey there, I had the idea about this a while ago.

I am creating this thread so people might post a first chapter or a sequence from a work of progress they have not yet felt comfortable to making it a novel.

The idea is to share one pilot with other writers and get some feedback for it... usually I would go first but I really don't have anything right now...

Btw everybody that wants a feedback should post one first... keep this helpful for everybody and keep out the vermin.

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    Sep '17

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joe_galindez
Sep '17

There was a clunk as the airbreathers came on and the engines switched from onboard oxidizer. The noise levels in the cabin became even more unbearable. Ginger found it comforting, however. She knew she could breathe the air, but it's one thing to do a spectrographic analysis and quite another to actually use the local atmosphere. Seeing as how the transport wasn't dropping any faster, she put the matter out of her mind.

Toby, who was strapped into the troop seat next to her, was taking no chances.

"Our Masters who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth, as it is in Heaven . . ."

She cocked an ear. Toby was stroking his dog tags with one hand. The metal tags were shaped like stylized bones.

". . . Give us this day our daily meat and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass in our yard. Do not bring us to the vet, but deliver us from evil . . ."

Like many marines, Toby wore his tags on a wide leather collar. The collars were no longer standard-issue but the term Leatherneck had stuck around.

". . . For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever . . ."

Ginger was not especially religious, but she found herself whispering the last words to that ancient prayer. Her hand went to her throat, but then she remembered that she didn't wear a collar.

"Amen," they said together.

Toby's ears twitched. He looked down and began inspecting his service rifle. Ginger was reminded to check on her own weapon. The Bulldog revolver was still in its crossdraw holster.

There was another clunk as the pilot engaged the cavorite hull. That meant they would be landing soon. Ginger's tail was practically vibrating, she was so excited.

BadCrow2018
Sep '17

That is impressive. Yes it has been done numouros times but it still works, good ideas and the hint at the end had me want to read more.

how come you never got to write it?

375
Sep '17

Welp here I go! o(〃＾▽＾〃)o

The world is quiet.

There are no birds.

No noise.

Nothing.

Its almost as if
The world had died.

But it wasnt dead.

It was very much alive.

With people moving,
Walking
Shuffling,
Communicating
With one other.

They cooked
And hung laundry
Outside on the wire
That went across their backyard
And traveled across the country.

But everything
Is quiet.

Silenced by the curse.

And then there was Death,
Who would stroll among the crowd
Appearing to be a kind face
With a beautiful smile.

joe_galindez
Sep '17
BadCrow2018

I'm doing is a short story on r/HFY1, but to expand this into a series of full-length books I'd need to bring in a lot of subject-matter experts. Veterans, firearms experts, military historians . . . it'll have to wait until I have a budget for that.

HollowEve
Sep '17

What would you do if you knew you would die tomorrow?
The question haunted James as he watched the young mother pushing her daughter’s stroller down the street. If he had a heart, it would be breaking.
“She’s too young.” He whispered to himself. “This shouldn’t be happening.”
As people passed the mother, they looked back at her, unsure what to say. Humans don’t know how to process the loss someone else feels. The mother stopped in front of a toy store and broke down into sobs.
James approached and looked down into the empty stroller. Pink blankets swaddled nothing. A stuffed elephant sat to the side, waiting for no one. The baby girl was back at the hospital, where her heart had given out and she’d been pronounced dead.
“Why?” The mother sobbed. “Why did she go?”

That's all I've got so far. It's going to be about a Grim Reaper type guy who falls in love with a girl who's going to die.

melindemari
Sep '17
1

I'd read this! Sounds interesting!

I think if you bring in it in starting with the ending like just before the girl dies and then take it back to the beginning of how the grim reaper falls in love with her it would be something of giving away the plot, but it would drive them crazy to start reading, I know I would be!

It would be like a "This is the story of how I died... But it's not actually about me, rather the Grim Reaper that loves me..."

melindemari
Sep '17

Well here goes, it's actually not something I've shared the first few rough chapters of already on DA but it's still going through some changes; which I haven't posted. So a few excerpts from the 1st Ch of The Dragon Sword - The beginning 2 par's. and the ending 3 par's.

"A girl sat on the armrest of the couch and stared out of the window from her apartment on the fourteenth floor. She could see above the other buildings, the skyscraper she lived in towered above all the others, most having about eleven floors. Her long raven black hair hung loose, and her sapphire blue eyes seemed devoid of life, empty. Her skin ashen. She didn’t appear to be the healthiest, but neither was she bedridden-ill.

The pitter-patter of the drops against the window lulled her, she hummed a tune inspired by the sound and penned a few lines of words adding letters and numbers over a select few, she was writing a new song, not that anyone would ever hear it outside of her. Though Rin, who would - without her consent - hack her laptop and listen to all her recorded songs or read her latest written works. He tried to convince her to post it online, but being as reclusive from the world as she was, she would refuse with a fit, and he would leave it for another time."

"The doorbell rang and the girl lifted her head and brushed the remaining tears from her eyes. She refused to let Rin see her like this! She slid down from the couch’s armrest and stood up, slow as a snail she trailed to the door to let Rin in, she knew it was him. Sai was at work, and no one else ever came to visit.

eck! How did she end losing herself in her memories in the first place? But not having Rin and Sai around constantly these days to distract her… Maybe she wasn’t ready to live by herself yet?

She wiped more tears from her eyes and noted in the mirror by the door her eyes weren’t as puffy-red as she thought; she’d smile for Rin, if only for his sake!"