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Mar 2020

The thing I think some good hearted guys miss is that girls are often looking for signals. You can't just ask a guy 'hey, are you going to rape me' or 'if I tell you somebody who you like made me uncomfortable or attacked me, will you take it seriously'

I think a lot about guys who get confused when girls who are clearly looking for a hookup get put off by a guy being direct, but I think this is often what's at play. Does this guy respect boundaries. Does this guy listen when I say stop. Ignoring conversational boundaries doesn't make you a rapist, and being a gentleman doesn't make you safe, but sometimes it's the best you have to go on.

So guys, when you make rape jokes, I'm not just thinking they aren't funny. I'm taking notes in the horrific mental calculation most girls I know carry of who to be alone with. Who I can trust if I get attacked. Who would listen and help protect me, and who would tell me it's not a big deal, I'm probably imagining it, it's fine. And this isn't just gendered. There are male rape victims trying to figure out who they can talk to and who will treat their experience as a joke, and women who dismiss scared women.

Almost every guy says he takes real rape seriously, that he'll stand up for women if they're in danger, but in my experience the guys who actually do? They aren't the guys who make rape jokes.

This.....people need to be more aware of this.

Rape is a crime then it's bad. That's it.

And about personal experiences stories and all this stuff, those things don't touching me and can't change my mind on any subject, if say seriously.
Because my own life is a never ending bad experience (sometimes violent) with whole world is against me or at best it doesn't cares about me, so why I should care about others and their experiences in advance? Call it lack of empathy or whatever, I'm fine with this anyway : P

Sorry about what happened, it disgust me the fact that this kind of human beings exist.

Unfortunately, if you teach a criminal that making a crime is bad, it doesn`t mean they will have a change of heart. Probably they already know it is bad.

Truth is that different people have different degrees in empathy. Some may be moved by your story and be more careful, others may try to downplay the pain or even justify it. The problem is not that people don`t know rape is bad, most of the time the problem is that they dont care.

At least their answers can reveal many things of their true character, so you can at least know whom you should be away from.

Why is this a male thing though, women are far more terrifying given the stigma around it and I personally nearly got attacked by one who told another women she preyed on she "wanted me" and i'm still terrified to this day what the hell she was planning. People laugh it off when you talk about a female predator and act like its funny or not as serious and its underrepresented in reportings of crime statistics. Should be analyzed regarding both sexes because women are seen as pure and harmless especially if they're lgbt with regard to what happened with me.

Me feel there are no taboos in comedy and that it still possible to make light of horrible things that you have personally experienced.

@skicoak I see what do you mean.
To show more clearly, why such doubts appear, let me provide an example of the last case, when I doubted, was it JUST humor or not quite. :thinking:


Once I discussed variety of things about society problems with my ex, and the subject of sex workers came up. Among the other things, I noted that prostitutes are very vulnerable part of society, both because they're despised and considered as "less humans" by many people, and because their work is illegal (in our country). I told, that when a prostitute comes to the home of a client, she has increased chance to be robbed, beaten or raped.
The guy told in response: "What do you mean by "rape" a prostitute? To fuck her and not give her money after it? :smile: "
I had doubts, is it joke or not, because, as I already noted, dehumanizing sex workers is common. So I just looked at guy, trying to understand if he's serious or not.
He asked: "What now? Why are you looking at me, like I told something stupid?"
I told: "Because you really told something stupid".
After uneasy pause, I started to explain him the difference between sex for money and rape.
He told: "Yes, yes, I see. I was just joking, don't take it too serious".


If he would talk that it was a joke immediately, when he saw my reaction, I would not even remember this case. But these pauses made things look less than a joke and more like he told something between joke and what he really thinks and waited for my reaction, to turn it into more joke or less joke accordingly to it.
Of course, it's more than possible that all what I wrote is overthinking, I took his reactions too seriously and annoyed him by explaining him things he already understands well. :nerd: But if I have a suspicious, I think I'll better explain just in case... I don't think it caused him (or any other people in similar situations) any problems, except that they'll think that I'm tedious and take some topics too serious.
But I think I have a right to overthink this topic sometimes, considering my background :stuck_out_tongue:

Uggh.
Surely, cases of female harassment also worth to be taken seriously. It's annoying to hear that people mocked on you, when you felt so bad, instead of trying to understand you and to do anything about that girl. I don't talk on topic of harassment, made by females, just because I personally don't know much about this topic and didn't face it in my life. NOT because I find it unimportant or something.

ok whoever said this really needs to get their head cracked. Men are phisically intimidated constantly in highschool, the scrawny kid who gets picked on by the jock, or with teachers.

hell there is a video of a female teacher picking up a small kid by the neck and chastising him.

also here's a shocker about half of rape cases are men victims, wanna know why?
prison rape, yeah men get raped just as much as women, the diffrence is society dosen't accept it and dismises it cause men are stronger than women.

like you are doing right now actually

sounds like he was making a joke and it fell flat, it happens from time to time, I think you are looking to much into it or you thought it was in bad taste which is ok, though saying he doesn't empathise with rape victims is kind of reaching.

to me at least

Haha. Of course, I'm not going to go and tell "rapist, don't rape!" to the criminals. :grin: I'm more than aware that people, who do sex-related things by force, understand only a language of force by themselves. What I'm trying to do is to talk with normal guys, who have lack of understanding on this topic (see the update of the main post :joy: ).

That's why I want to make them care in a bit more degree.

that's literally misandry, what the heck?

look if women are living in fear 24/7 cause a guy might rape them then that says more about the woman who equates all males are rapists

look rape is horrible but let's not turn the coin like this and blame it all on men, and fear monger like this, it's not helpful and the only thing your gonna achieve is to disenfranchise 50% of the world population for what 1% does

@33rdCenturyCaveman @IdiotWithPencil Rate between men's and women's chances to be an object of violence are all relative and depends on particular men and women and particular society.
It's just... particular guys around me never were in jail or in any other places, where they could experience a "joys" of being harassed or raped. I can't tell about the whole society.

Sorry, didn't understand what did you mean here.

Me not blaming all men. But when women disguise themselves as men, one thing they notice is how much more personal space they get as men, even very effeminate ones.

well I can affirm that here in Mexico it's worst like hella worst than in Venezuela XD

Venezuela rapist would go to court with black eyes and broken bones cause the police would break them and the prisoner would destroy them.

we hate rapist like crazy, and we as a culture disown any rapist, though we will make rape jokes and laught at the victims if we find it funny. we will laugh whill buying a bat to break the legs of the rapist

sorry maybe I can't write that well so I use the grammer check, Empathetic is the word I was trying to use it came out wrong

I just mean him not relating to actual victims is a stretch, like I can't relate with being rape cause i haven't been raped is crazy cause humans have Empathy, unless you are a psyco or sociopath everybody can relate to one situation or another

maybe his way of relating isin't the same way you relate. His way could be by making jokes while yours is by taking it seriously

we are all flawd in some way and our coping mechanism are diverse

Somebody telling me that I'm not allowed to joke about something immediately makes me want to joke about it. It may offend some people, but the idea that I should be censored to appease someone else offends ME; so we arrive at a moral stale mate.

Whose offense takes precedent?

It's not your place to explain topeople the evils of no-no jokes. Tell them you don't find it funny, but unless they invite further discussion you aren't going to 'enlighten' anyone by lecturing them.

Me am reminded of how famous insult comic Don Rickles was able to get away with it: by being completely genuine, radiating good will, and ragging on absolutely everybody.