How to feel confident again after receiving negative feedback?

[megumibex]

Firstly, I know I'm overly sensitive. I'm trying to work on that. I also know that critique is essential to improve. I just want a place to vent and hopefully hear some advice and success stories from other overly sensitive souls who have learn to accept criticism gracefully.

Not long ago, I let someone read my novel and they had a lot to say about why they didn't like it. Not everything they said was negative, and it was all stately gently, but the things their word hit hard. At the time, I was just like: laughs nervously "haha, thanks for the feedback!" then went somewhere I could be alone to cry about it.

But now whenever I look at my work, I think it must suck. It hurts to even think about writing more. I don't know how I'm going to keep up with my deadlines like this... I know I must be overreacting but I can't stop thinking no one will ever want to read something I've written again...

Do you have any advice for how to cheer up? Have any of you felt like this before?

[incoMan]

for starters already feel good that people were curious enough to read your novel and give you any kind of feedback

[ArtGremlin]

I definitely felt that once. Someone I met online once was looking at my first comic while I was still working on and criticizing certain aspects like, “the gas mask doesn’t look realistic.” Like the person had a point, but it wasn’t supposed to look that realistic. I think he was a big high sci-fi nerd so of course he would think my silly little comic about a little weird alien kid was stupid. But this interaction made me start seeing all the flaws and I felt exactly like this:

But now whenever I look at my work, I think it must suck. It hurts to even think about writing more.

It took a little while, but eventually I was able to come to peace with the flaws and make a few more pages. After that, I realized how impossibly long it would take to finish the plot for said comic and decided to work on other stuff. I learned a lot from writing/drawing it, but sometimes you have to know when to quit so you can use what you learned to make something even better rather then being stuck on the same project hating it. I still draw the mc from time to time. He’s a fun little guy.

Thing is, I don’t know what I would do if someone criticized my current comic. Honestly I’m in the same boat as you

[justincarbunkle]

I remind myself not to take criticisms of my comic personally, and even if what I'm making sucks, I can work harder to make the next chapter of my comic suck less.

[vapidink]

It's tough and for most people it just comes with practice. Which sucks because you have to deal with the hurt feelings in the meantime even if you know the feedback was well-intentioned. Sometimes it's good to step away from the critique and story to process your feelings and then try to work through the feedback once you're in a better headspace.

Honestly though, you kinda just have to build up an emotional callus, lol. I think what helped me back in the day when I was still writing cringy fanfics was just that I was writing for myself. As long as I enjoyed what I wrote it didn't matter what others thought. Also, I could only improve from that point on as long as I kept writing.

For feedback, it's also important to work out what parts of it are things that can and should be worked on, and what parts are just a matter of taste. Sorry you're having a hard time, but just take some time off. Maybe read some stories you love to get some inspiration back.

[AmysGames]

As someone who also tends to overthink negative feedback, I totally get it. It's hard when people react negatively to something you've put so much of yourself into. I honestly rarely go out of my way to ask for critique because I know I spiral too easily, lol.

A few things to keep in mind:

1. Good critique always comes from a place of wanting to help you improve. No reasonable person would want to see you quit doing what you love, nor would think anything as extreme as "no one would ever want to read this." Anyone who does say that is just a bitter soul looking to tear people down, and you shouldn't let those sort of people get to you.

2. Not all critique is necessarily relevant to your story. There are some things that are objective, like incorrect grammar, but something like "I didn't like this story beat" is just an opinion. It's good to consider these things, but it's okay to just ignore them sometimes. It's your story, not theirs.

3. Nobody is perfect. Some of the best stories of all time have early chapters that didn't age well, because the authors were still finding their footing. Learning and growing is part of the creative process; having flaws is both normal and human. It definitely doesn't mean you or your story are irredeemable.

Creating is hard. It can be so easy to get discouraged, to feel like you'll never measure up. But you're creating something that matters to you, and that's beautiful. Keep going. <3

[megumibex]

Thank you all for responding^^^^^

@ArtGremlin Thanks for sharing about your fun little alien kid. He sounds delightful.

@vapidink I think your right that the best idea is to get some distance from the critique for now. I guess that's the price you pay for sharing something you're still drafting. Even if the critique is correct it's just not useful for me right now.

@AmysGames Thank you for your kind words. I'll come back to look at this comment if I feel down again in the future

I feel a little better about it already. I do have a bad habit of catastrophizing but being able to get my worries off my chest helped a lot.

[Lensing]

What would be the worst feedback that you can get?

The worst feedback for me is no interest. Creating content which
is so boring or so hard to understand that people show zero interest
in it.

I can live with negative feedback, I got used to people literally hating
things that I created. I also differ who gave me the feedback.
Family & close friends can be the worst

[wolflu66]

To be honest, I'm just as sensitive as you are. In my country, we call this "glass heart" - as fragile as glass that shatters at the slightest touch.

But as others mentioned before, having no response to your work at all is actually worse. While I want to receive useful feedback, I'm also worried about whether I can handle it. I'm still learning too.

so I can't give you any advice on how to cope emotionally when your work receives criticism. It's easy to say, but I can't do it myself either.

[incoMan]

people are surprisingly supportive here, you would have to go out of your way and try to get people upset to actually receive any type of negative feedback nowadays

[moontokkym]

Hi there!

I'm very similar to you in that I'm very sensitive and I know I take even nice critique hard. It's almost easier when it's just insults because then I can just ignore it because it's not coming from a place of love.

**It does get easier to take critique, but it does take practice.*** And even then it's still difficult if you're sensitive.

Thing is: you just did what I advise people to do: say thank you, process your emotions so the person who critiqued you doesn't get hurt for their efforts, and then come back to the critique to extract what's useful once you've dealt with the hurt. Especially if it's written out for you, you're allowed to take your time. That seems like something that'll work for you so try practicing that.

However, it seems like you still haven't processed all your emotions yet. Critique, even intensely negative critique that points out major issues, is not someone saying "you suck, your work sucks". It means it can improve and there's someone out there invested enough to WANT it to improve.

Just keep swimming, take like a day where you don't do anything related to the project to collect yourself, plus always being nose down in it can also be a cause of some of the issues, people get short sighted when you're in the weeds, and then come back and do your best to apply the critique. You won't be able to "fix" everything pointed out to you because improvement takes time and practice, but setting off in the right direction is a good start.

Also: try and stop catastrophising. One person pointing flaws out, even that one person being right, does not mean it's terrible and people hate it and it'll fail, etc... Some of the most popular and loved books are also the most critiqued just through the fact a bigger diverse group of people read it. If you get readers you will get critique. It's not the end of the world, your reputation is not tarnished, you will eventually be ok.

It's hard and first but you can do it, and I'm pretty sure the person who critiqued you also believes that :3

[kyupol]

That's a sign you're too identified with your work.

Just know that anyone has their own opinion and you'll always have lovers and haters no matter what you do. There's no such thing as a politician with 100% approval rating.

[jwabeasley]

I've been in both positions before - both the one giving challenging but constructive feedback and the one on the receiving end. When I'm in editing mode, no matter how low my opinion of the work, I would never want the creator to give up on creating - or even to give up on their project. That's more of a failure to me than any artistic creation, no matter how poorly executed.

As difficult as it has been for me to learn to moderate my critiques to an acceptable level, it is much harder to learn how to take critiques. It helps for me to remember that it is always more difficult to create something than it is to criticize it. There are very few works of art so masterful that any changes would make them worse. Gaining the skill to change the basic cussedness of matter into something beautiful and meaningful is a magic that takes a lifetime to master.

Disassociate yourself from the art. Consider the critiques objectively - would that adjustment make a better outcome? Is there a practical step you can make right now that could fix the error moving forward? Take those steps and keep improving!

Good luck! Do your best!

[Kelheor]

I am overly sensitive too
But you really need to remember that you can only become better when you continue doing what you're doing - criticism or not.
So try not to take it close to heart. Evaluate the critique, find something actually useful in it. Maybe in a few months you will return to it and think "ah, they were right". Maybe not, because people and their opinions are not universal. But right now, if you enjoyed doing what you did - it's enough, you just need to continue going forward and learn in the process!

[NickRowler]

I have dealt with a lot of bad faith critiques that I just don’t ask for critiques anymore. I just get too upset and I spiral into depression.

[remiquise]

I don't know how qualified I really am to give advice on this. I was awful at taking criticism when I was younger (teen and a smidge after). I'd go as far as to destroy my creations for getting one off comment. It's something I just kind of grew out of.
Granted, my "growing out of it" had a lot to do with finally escaping a shitty environment and not being bombarded with a parent calling me useless and whatever all the time lol-- which is exactly why I'm not sure if any of my advice means Jack. But eh, I'll say something regardless.

It is a skill that has to be grown along side a lot of other things. Self contiousness and inability to accept flaws in other aspects of your being can totally feed into not being able to take feedback on your creative outlets and that is a HUGE thing to try and conquer. No one and nothing is perfect; that honestly expands to everything. No. Nothing you write will be without flaw, that's something you have to accept. It'll never be "done"; you'll always be able to tweak wording or use a different word or whatever. Keep it in your head as always a work in progress. Until that shit is printed and bound and off the printing presses you can change it, better it, feedback isn't saying your finished work is bad because it isn't finished. Feedback is helping you improve this work in progress. And the best part about feedback: you don't need to take it. Sooo much of that shit is super up to personal taste. You know how many times I've gotten contractions in feedback? "Why is your style so needlessly wordy?" "I love how vivid the descriptions are." / "You use so many archaic and big words, It really slows down the reading..." "You're vocabulary is so robust and impressive!" / "This seems unrealistic..." "These characters seem like real people, you can really understand them!" Heard it all, man. Unless it's editing feedback you can really pick and choose since that stuff can be super subjective. Suggestions you can either take or drop. (That said, I'd still suggest taking it and not dismissing it all outright lol. Hold onto it and think about it with a clearer mind and reallt ask if it'd be better changed or not. Don't do this while emotional.)

Taking things to heart isn't helpful. The sooner you learn to laugh off mistakes and say 'damn you right, I'll go back and fix it or tidy it up or whatever' the better you'll be. That is, unfortunately, a skill that has to be honed. Until then, it's a real "fake it til you make it" type deal. I was darn right embarrassed by my own reactions so instead of having a meltdown or just feeling (and probably looking) sorry for myself I consciencely make myself react in my fun little care free persona way. Laugh at my own mistakes, say "okay thanks," even if I think their suggestion is stupid, keep their ideas written down to reflect on later. (Seriously, don't dwell on these things with raw emotions. They'll help you more if you can really take them in on your own time.) I forced myself to sign up to an IRL writing group to force my ass to sit there in awkward stewing for an hour and a half to deal with these bad feelings and sit with them. See it doesn't really matter, see how gracefully others take feedback, emulate that grace. (Sometimes someone will give you the dumbest feedback and you get to watch everyone else defend your work and BOY THATS AN EGO BOOST). Plus giving others feedback really makes you think about how people think and feel when giving you feedback. It's so mundane. It isn't out of malice. It is to try and help and share thoughts. Exposure therapy, if you will, but only if you think you can handle it. I've been going for 7 or 8 months and I still shake like a leaf each time it gets to my turn so it is a very hard thing to do (that or it just hasn't helped my fear of public speaking/reading my work outloud), so maybe just hold onto that idea until you've honed the skill yourself a bit.

As for how to feel confident again... well, I'm gonna be real, I'm still not confident in my work. As long as you trudge on, try your best, keep improving, what does it matter? I submitted a section of my book to my province's professional editors recently and the whole time I felt like shit about it. I'm waiting on a 2 page essay and 30-60minute meeting to discuss my work and I'm shitting myself over it. At this point they probably can't say anything worse than what I've said to myself-- but you know what? At least I did it. And at the end of the day that's all that matters. Point is, let that feeling of not being good enough drive you to be better and do not let it hold you back. Writing and posting it or submitting it to places will have the same outcome weither you're confident in it or not. Maybe you'll never be confident, maybe you will. Cherishing accomplishment is far more useful in my opinion.

This was very much a ramble and I'm not entirely sure how much sense it makes, but eh. That's what ya get for asking internet strangers.

[drbwp4]

This is really solid advice. Sometimes it is good to scrap your work, but you don't have to scrap everything. When I first started writing my book, it was awful. At some point I realized how bad it was and I scraped the whole story, but I kept my favorite part which was the main character and his family. Honestly I should have scraped my book twice after the first time, but instead I kept refining it and asking for advice and now I like it.