So... my main priority right now is making sure that this doesn't end up even a single word longer (in fact I'd prefer it shorter), just better written, with more depth and substance to the characters and the themes.
Before you click, this story is about homophobia, so just thought you should know that before clicking.
Mar '23
Mar '23
Hi JoshRaed, I read your short story. I think it's pretty decent. Correct if I'm wrong, but I do notice some tense shifting in your story. Some paragraphs are in present tense, while other paragraphs are in past tense. Another thing to notice is some improper capitalization.
In terms of the characters, I do not really have any complaints in mind. For the themes, imo, I think you should be more sneaky(nuance) about themâthe ones that can go underneath your skin, prompting the readers to reread.
Maybe I'm not being very bright here, but it seems really hard to make a story or characters deeper with more substance without actually saying more about them & making the story longer.
I didn´t get the part from the kicked in door until they enter the party again and I don´t know if that´s
necessary for the story. There was also that shift from a realistic start to over the top exaggerated
comic style with the girl swinging off the chandelier and Travis collapsing on the floor after armwrestling
which put me out of the mood the story started with. Everything after the knocked down door felt like
"what am I reading here" and what´s the point of the story.
When you want to shorten the story I would shorten it at the point I mentioned above.
I was not missing depth, a gay guy who doesn´t want to admit he´s a gay and the other guy
having hopes of them being a couple. Enough depth for a short story
Would it work as a better character development moment for travis to let Jackson win the arm wrestling game because he doesnât care about being stronger than him anymore?
It somehow feels like there are 2 active protagonists and that makes the storywriting a bit complicated.
Who´s story do you want to tell / which story is in the foreground? The main protagonists´ story or Travis´story?
Why is the bag part in the story? Is it necessary to put that in there to come to the final conflict?
I would go through the story circle and then strip everything down which doesn´t have to do with (short)establishing their
relationship, the setting and then the conflit and resolution.
Another question, can´t they just start at the party? One location instead two, same message
The story is of their relationship so I donât know how it can work with only one or the other mattering all that much.
The bag part was an excuse for these characters to have a romantic moment to balance out the argument they had before this, and the other argument they immediately have afterwards, and give off the sense that these characters actually like each other, and also because there has to be a middle part in between establishing this specific conflict and resolving this conflict.
The story is actually established at the house. The house is where the plot really starts. We learn who the characters are and why theyâre going to this party at all. In the story wheel this would be the known world kind of.
So⌠how would my story have the main character pay a hefty price for partying with his boyfriend? Because the story wheel says the character should pay a hefty price for getting what they want. I kind of see how travis could pay a price for winning the arm wrestling game, since itâs kind of a mistake to take part in it.
I was given the advice by my teacher that there isn't enough of these two characters in this story, and it was the length he assigned, so it has to be possible.
Maybe you're assuming too much when you take it as a fact that you can do a better story with more depth & more substance & themes & oh by the way more characters with fewer words. Really?? You have less than 2300 words there! Did the teacher really say you couldn't make the story longer?
Your teacher must be teaching something if he assigned such a short a max length. I've no idea what though. I can understand what a teacher is up to when they assign a minimum length. Maybe we should see the original assignment verbatim before analyzing the teacher's motives too far.
Your teacher also seem to be doing something arbitrary, anyway, when he says you haven't enough characters. Unless perhaps they had a minimum level of character building efforts in mind?? After all, some great stories have been told with just ONE character.
Maybe the teacher isn't really trying to help you write a good story as much as they are forcing you to use your noodle, somehow. I think you should talk to the teacher about what they expected from a less than 3000 word story with 3+ characters & a lot of depth & substance.
Personally, I think you've done a fine job of painting who these two people are & where they may have come from. Especially when done in only 2291 words.
I misspoke. It wasnât a low number of characters, itâs a lack of general exploration going on around their relationship and personality.
closed Mar 28, '23
unlisted Mar 28, '23
