I think I am stuck (rant)

[sorible]

Warning: this is kind of a long heavy rant, read at your own risk lol

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I am stuck like cheese ?
I've been depressed for a few years so I'm pretty "eh that's life" about it but now things are at the point where I don't really want to do anything, and I don't like any of my hobbies anymore. Now I'm not even sure if I'm doing art because I like it or if I'm doing it because I'm not good at anything else.

But because I'm not doing anything, I'm falling behind. I've been holding off of finishing art portfolios, looking for part time work, etc. + I've been taking a month long break from webtoon and I've been slowly preparing during this week to upload more episodes but I made a u turn and I'm tired of everything. I know I can't afford to be like this and still I sleep until 2 PM and sit at my desk for a few hours without working.

I just have one more year until I have the chance to leave here and go see my family / friends. I keep telling myself that it's just one more year, I can do it. But I don't know. I can't leave until I start moving again and I don't know how to start. And I feel so bad that I'm letting down everyone I know, parents, friends, fans, everyone that gives me advice and tries to help me.

2020 was a shitty year and this year doesn't feel any different. It just sucks to live in a boring area alone and see your friends online having fun without you. At least I know I'm not being selfish for thinking like this, even when everyone around me tells me that I am. I know there are others suffering more than me. It doesn't mean that I'm not.

Sorry for the wall of text, I feel like I'm using this site as a personal therapist since I can't afford one lmao

I don't really know what this post is. I went off topic so much and I don't even know what the topic is. I think I'm hungry maybe I'll go eat my 4th popsicle today.

might edit the post and erase everything later, I just needed to think about things for a bit ◡̈

[sorible]

WTF HAHAHA I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT IMAGE CAME FROM
edit: moved the image from the main text because I can't take it seriously

[SurvivALIST]

At least I know I'm not being selfish for thinking like this, even when everyone around me tells me that I am.

There's nothing wrong with being selfish. You just needed some "me time". There will come a time for them that they'll be the ones missing out and be seen as selfish or greedy people. Suffering/conflict/problem is paradoxical: you're having a bad day or month while the others are tuned in to their happiest moments which is unequal but there is equality in suffering because everyone experiences that.

I'm not here to tell you the solution to your crisis but focus on the internal factors of your stress rather than the external factors like everyone [or me if I became one to you]. Don't be afraid of confronting what's in your mind but do know when to seek some help.

Also, being artist doesn't confine you from being good at other things. I'm gonna be a beginner artist myself and I listened to this guy Alpay Efe. Art can be your jack-of-all-trades. I hate regrets and to suffer because of those so I wish you to stay far away from the accumulation of regrets as possible. Great ranting!

[sorible]

Thank you! This is really helpful

[Ranty-cat]

Ranting is always good for mental health. I rant a lot too. Mostly just meows.

[Ordinaryaverageguy]

Seems like a lot could be going on there but it sounds like your previous depression may be getting worse. Many of the specific problems you mention sound like they are just manifestations of an underlying issue. Are you able to see a professional about your mental health?

[Aleksei]

You have taken steps to unstuck yourself, so yay!
A year might be a lot of time, and in the maintime it might seem impossible to get out of bed, but remember. You did it. It's a little goal, but you surpass it. And later you took breakfast, or a meal. And later you took time to write or draw, or just hearing a nice song. You make it day by day with all those little goals until one day you will be reunited again with your loved ones.
Remember that you are not a disappointment, you are doing what you can to survive a pandemic crisis. Nobody knows exactly what to do, so the best thing to do, is to be happy for the little goals that help you go day by day. And one day this thread will be a faraway memory. So keep up the good work! You are doing great!

[sorible]

Right now I can't afford it as I'm saving to move between countries + paying for college :// It's tough but I'm hoping to be able to get through it until I can see a real therapist.

[sorible]

thank you! ᵔᴗᵔ it's really nice to hear encouragement from others, haven't gotten much of that lately lol

[SleepingPoppy]

It sounds like you're currently in college? If you are, check if they have mental health services. I don't know if it's true for all colleges, but the ones I've been to have always had free health services, including therapists and psychiatrists.

I was depressed during grad school, I can relate to how terrible it feels to not be able to take joy for your hobbies. That symptom really freaked me out, but that feeling did go away when I got help.

It sounds like you're working really hard to keep pushing through! Do your best to take care of yourself. This year and the way you feel are temporary, they will get better.