[CLOSED] I will read your first chapter and give feedback! NOVELS ONLY, SORRY [CLOSED]

[MHSly]

The Heart Dove

I have read your first chapter and I'm sorry to say I had a hard time getting grounded in the story. I think it might have a little to do with all of the names/terms used in this chapter, especially some that weren't really given explanations. For example, you use many different names for Libum's master; God, Goddess, The Hummingbird God, the Death God, Kolupati and Lady Kolupati. I think it might be helpful to stick to one name, such as Lady Kolupati, and use the others and descriptors, like "Lady Kolupati, the Death God" and then continue with whatever she is doing. You don't need to use these descriptors often, just when you think the reader might need a reminder of what she is.
Another example is the other terms you use, such as bata, Tagkawal, and Anito. I am not familiar with these, although I'm not sure if they may be common terms used in other stories or myths, but if they are not common terms you may want to find a way to introduce them to the reader so they know what they mean.
After reading the chapter twice I got a better understanding of what was going on, but it shouldn't take two readings for a reader to grasp what you are trying to convey.
I will also admit I am pretty tired this morning and my brain may not be working at full capacity, haha, so I'm sorry if all of this is completely unhelpful.
With all of that said, I love the idea of a world in between worlds, and a young man getting fed up with his duties there. It makes me curious to see how he will perhaps avoid his responsibilities, and the wrath of his master if he decides to do so, although from the description it sounds like his next partner will liven things up for him at least.
Lastly, thank you so much for reading Gaijan, I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on it if you are willing to share them

[Artist3o]

here is my novel

Read What a second chance at life brings | Tapas Web Novels

[sleepykuya]

Thank you so much for the feedback! Yes, I meant to have a little glossary explaining terms but ended up not doing it—now I know what to edit going forward. Along with repeating the descriptors, I’ll go back and take out any unnecessary repetition.

I am a huge fan of Gaijan so far, and how immersive it is. You have a great way of describing what the characters are feeling and what they’re going through. I do find myself thinking I’m in this world, right alongside Gaijan. (The only problem I have, and this is totally personal because I’m on mobile, but huge chunks of paragraphs. Beautifully written, of course! But it can be a little…intimidating, I guess is the word haha.)

Thank you so much for your feedback, and I’ll be subscribing so I can keep reading your other work

[Kuma]

https://tapas.io/series/Centris/info I always enjoy getting feedback.

[MHSly]

Hi again!

Thank you so much for your feedback, and yes I totally understand the issue with giant paragraphs on mobile. I will surely need to fix that! And thank you for subscribing, means so much to me

[rosierubycardinal]

Just finished the Protector of Raelin! I really love your use of imagery to make the rather grim setting seem
really realistic.

I would absolutely love feedback on my first (to be fair, it’s my only, but saying First makes me seem like I know what I’m doing).

Read Crystal Tears | Tapas Web Novels

[MHSly]

Maybe Someday

Hi! Okay, I am really liking this story, the previews/prologues really helped me want to learn more and pushed me to read the first actual chapter. The podcast beginning really intrigued me in particular, I love some good gossip!
I only have one suggestion, and it's a small one! "Always the pessimistic" should either be "Always the pessimist(noun)" or "Always pessimistic(adjective)". Like I said, very small. Everything else is great! Dialogue, characters, plot setup, all wonderfully done.
Hope this helps!

[the_puRple_hoRizon]

That's some fine observation! Thank you so much for the input!
And yes, about the MC his past makes him numb towards most of the emotions, he does feel a lot of them but cannot express/ process them well which eventually causes him to push them further into a corner and turn them into somethings worth laughing- that's what the Devil does for him!
Though he can reads the expressions of others very well.

[literary_hana]

Thank you!

I am glad that you thought it was ok! That part of the dialogue was intentional, but I'm surprised that you noticed such a small detail.

[TheAuthor]

Thanks for the opportunity. I appreciate any type of feedback. And I'll also make sure to check out your works too.

Read The Nerd and The Loser | Tapas Web Novels

[MHSly]

Oh haha then ignore me! And I thought it was great! I just subscribed because I forgot to when I first read it haha, can't wait for more!

[John536]

I hope you will read it and give me a comment about it.

Read Not A Hero | Tapas Web Novels

[MHSly]

What a second chance at life brings

Hi! I love the mystery of this first chapter. I can tell that something is happening/has happened in the background that is causing many of the characters to worry, and I appreciate the decision not to reveal it all in one go. I also love that the worry was justified at the end of the chapter. I'm curious to find out the backstory of what happened to make these events unfold.
My suggestions:
I would love a little more description in this first chapter to really ground me in the story. What kind of furniture or decoration fill the rooms? What does the main character's brother look like?
I also find the extra spaces between certain sections a little distracting. Usually what you add an extra space, it means some time has passed and/or the scene/setting has changed. But here there are extra spaces within the same conversation. It confused me at first until I realized that, for this story, the ......... was your way of signifying a change of scene. You might consider removing the extra spaces between sentences that are grouped in the same conversation/ scene to help your writing flow better.
Hope this helps!

[Chocolate]

Hiiiii! Can I dm you the story?

[MHSly]

Centris

Hi! So, I read the first part of Chapter 0, and I must say I'm liking the setup for the story, and the mystery in the first part. Why is this band of people making their way through the sewers? My guess would be to create or stop some mischief, which is always fun. I also like the worldbuilding aspects in the second part with the students taking their exams. It's a nice introduction to the magic and I already feel like I know very well what motivates Novus.
The one thing that is throwing me off is your use of - - to signify dialogue instead of the usual " ". At first I thought it was a way to signify thoughts, and when someone responded to the first person I thought 'Oh, does everyone have telepathy in this world, or at least this group of people?' and then I realized nope, it was just them talking like normal. By the end of the chapter I got somewhat used to it, but I did struggle to change my perception from what is the norm to your way of presenting dialogue. Since this is how it is presented throughout the whole chapter, I'm assuming that's how it's presented in all of your story and is a stylistic choice on your part, which is fine. That is just the only feedback I have for you as a first-time reader of your work.
Hope this helps!

[MHSly]

Crystal Tears

Hi! Thank you so much for reading my story! Means so much to me <3
I really like your first chapter here, it's a strong start and paints a grim picture of what life is like for this poor little girl. I'm hoping that the main character can get them both out of there and protect her!
My only suggestion would be to add an exclamation point to the first sentence of dialogue from the guard. It's presented like he just said it casually, but the paragraph after makes it sound pretty intense with other guards yelling and chasing them. I think adding some stronger descriptors and the exclamation point would help convey the sense of danger I think you're trying to present.
Hope this helps! And thanks again for reading my story!

[Artist3o]

thank you very much for your comment
I will listen to your suggestions

[Surihpas]

Hiya First of all, and regardless of anything, just wanted to say I think it's awesome you're doing this. I feel like investing our time in each other's work is what makes this community.... well, a community. So yeah, that's nice to see.

If you're still available I would love some feedback on my first chapter, I was just thinking about how noticeable I feel the difference is between it and my more recent writing, and I would like some outside perspective on it. If you're swamped though (seeing this thread looks pretty popular), no worries at all.

Also, if you're still looking for some feedback on your first chapter, I'd be happy to give it a read - regardless of whether or not you have the time to read mine. Just let me know since I never want to give anyone my unsolicited advice haha

[MHSly]

Hi, yes you can dm me the story, thanks!

[MHSly]

Hi! Yes, I am still available, so far I've been able to get to one or two stories a day unless I had big events going on (this weekend I had a wedding and birthday party to go to, so my time was more limited). So I'd love love love to read yours, it may just take a few days for me to get to it. Thanks!