I. QUALMS REGARDING THE INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPH
It's not a striking introduction. It does set up your story, albeit clumsily. It felt like I just showed up uninvited to somebody's funeral. Honestly, my first instinct after reading the first paragraph was to do something else. I'm not saying this to discourage you. However, it is important to understand that the introduction alone should have a hook that keeps the reader interested. I can't even tell you how many stories I have dropped after reading the first paragraph.
One may argue, don't judge the book so quickly. The story may get better later on. There is merit in that argument. However, I am only judging your first episode. For obvious reasons, the first episode will be the most viewed episode in your story. Therefore, I want to give you advice on how to make your first episode the best it can be in order to hook the largest amount of readers from the get-go.
The two things I consider when writing an introduction is tone and color. The tone creates the mood for the scene and is reflected through your choice in setting, character expression, and activity. The color is based on your choice of words (diction) and usage of literary devices. Color should be used to support the tone you envisioned. Color, when misused can easily go against the tone you are going for.
AN EXAMPLE OF COLOR BETRAYING TONE
Alice stabbed Jason like cutting a hole from the center of a donut before frying it. The fluid from Jason's mouth was as red as strawberry jelly. Jason lay on the ground lifeless. Slowly simmering as his jelly-colored fluid poured out from him.
As you can see from the example above. Color can transform a murder into something that came out of a food show about donuts. Jason basically seems like a Jelly-filled donut thanks to this.
You should apply this advice to your introductory paragraph. Set up the scene before jumping to dialogue. The tone will stay the same but you will notice a major difference in color. When you begin your story, the reader is still unaware of your tone. Which is why beginning your story with dialogue is unwise. The dialogue itself lacks punch and is doing double duty of both trying to set up the scene and progress the plot forward. Don't rely on dialogue to build your scene.
Imagine your story as a graphic novel. Starting with dialogue first is like making the reader read the speech bubbles before getting to see the illustration. Pretty unappealing don't you agree?
II. INTRODUCTION OF TOO MANY CHARACTERS
I reviewed some other stories that had this problem. The problem of introducing too many characters at once is that none of them end up being memorable. Even when the characters are expressing their sadness and desperation, I can't feel anything because it feels like I just showed up to somebody's funeral uninvited like I mentioned earlier.
I think you are being too hasty to get to the meat of your story. Slow down, take your time and pace your story properly and give us time to grow attached to the characters of your story. Introduce your characters gradually and give each character a distinct personality that can help us identify your characters through their actions.
II. OTHER THOUGHTS
Story Potential: You must have read some stories of witchcraft and developed an interest to tell a story like that. There is a lot you can do with a story with fictitious and mysterious mechanics. Even though the rules are loose, do not get carried away with your story. Always keep in mind what you want this story to be about and do not lose sight on that. I have seen too many cases of writers losing sight of their creative direction and end up lost. Be the one in control of your story. Do not let it control you.
Fantastical/Foreign Words: When writing fantasy, people like to make up words, including myself. However, you must make sure that the readers can visualize the meanings of your made-up words. The only made-up words that usually do not require clarification are names. What I said above also applies to foreign words that the reader may not know about. Feel free to disregard what I said if you are confident your target audience knows what you are saying.
WORDS THAT NEED ADDITIONAL CLARIFICATION
These two words, while not fantastical, required me to do a Google Search to understand what they meant. There is no guarantee that the reader will continue reading your work after that Google Search. So minimize that possibility.
Tense and Grammar Errors: I noticed that some sentences used the wrong tenses. There are also some fragmented sentences in your story. I encourage you to continue editing it.
Overuse of Punctuation Marks: Too much Exclamation Marks and Ellipsis (...)
Your story could benefit from more attention to detail. Think about Tone and Color like I have mentioned in my first section in order to make your story come to life. The rushed pacing does not give any time for your characters to develop nor is it enough time for the audience to grow a sense of attachment to them. I believe once you find a rhythm that works for you. You will be able to make a good witch story based on the knowledge you have accumulated on the subject.
Thank you for participating and I wish you the best of luck on your creative journey.