If you Entered the True Love on Tapas Contest, I'll offer you some feedback/comments on your story!

[ratscout]

Hi all! It's been awhile since I've done one of these! If you post your True Love on Tapas contest entry here, I will read the first 5 chapters, leave positive comments on your story, and give you some feedback on this thread! I will do this for the first 5 commenters!

However, in order for you to earn my comments and reviews, I'd appreciate some comments on my story and feedback on it for this thread (you only have to read the first chapter of mine, though), as well (please do not post feedback on the actual story as feedback can get long and make comments section ugly LOL). Here's my entry!

Read Transcending Vows | Tapas Web Novels

[cherrystark]

I am game. Here is mine.

Read Just Between Friends | Tapas Web Novels

[Rhynne]

I am feedback-hungry so I would love to participate. I’m not able to read and reply right now but I promise to do my best to get in done within the next day and reply here again. For now, I’ll leave my link.

Thank you!

Read That Mutual Feeling | Tapas Web Novels

[ralyash]

Here's mine if you like ~ I want to do some edits at the end of the month so any feedback is helpful ^-^.

Read Summoned: Familiar of the Dark Magician :: So You Read A Book | Tapas...

[ralyash]

@ratscout

I took a quick look at your first three chapters and left comments. I identify with Eldora a lot. I don't know if that's a good thing or not XD.

Overall I think you look pretty good. I took a couple of feedback notes for you (I'm a long-winded human XD):

I recommend using Eldora's name (and other's names) in the narration a bit more--Usually, once a paragraph is a decent number for each individual name, but it becomes more important as you add people to the scene. This also helps reduce the number of 'he's/'she's/'they's/ect. throughout.
When I was going to write the comment actually, I realized that I didn't know her name (I actually thought her name was Claudia because Claudius is mentioned so much XD), but just changing some to the 'she's to her name would fix that. It's especially important going in and out of dialogue and when the object of attention is being changed.
On a similar note, there was a part in chapter 2 where the change in the person of attention was changed, and it was a bit too subtle for my brain to pick up on. I only realized later that she was supposed to be Adrian that she's talking about and not Claudius.

The second thing that I would do it bring in more descriptions of settings. This is actually a piece of advice I would generally ignore (esp for a modern setting), but I didn't actually read the synopsis of the story before going and based their appearances on the cover image XD. I realized at some point they were probably not green (there may have been a description eventually) but XD. Technically this is my fault, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who will do this. Even if you just somehow clue the readers in that the location is currently Earth/she is currently NOT green (IE, 'the students of so-and-so state/city/town seem to be such and such', or her [appropriate skin color description] were all marked with [appropriate grading pen color here] from testing if her pen was still working after grading so many papers already' or 'she loose strands of her [appropriate hair color here] fell into her eyes' -- something along those lines) that's all I really think would be needed. This would also lead to a better kind of distinction between the ordinary world and the other later on.

Other than that, I think it looks good!

[TheYaoiEmpire]

Read Fatal Moon: Demon Idols | Tapas Web Novels

[infjdany]

ahh!! i would so appreciate it since this is my first novel !! i'll do the same for you of course i can't wait, and best of luck!!

Read in(tan)gible (sin)s | Tapas Web Novels

[Rhynne]

Okay, I think I'm ready for the feedback. First, I will say that I overall quite enjoyed reading this. I think you did a great job setting up these character's struggles and the mundane of their lives, as the first chapter title alludes to.

But I'm wondering if it lacks a hook, of sorts, to draw the reader in more, turn the page and see what's happening. I had this same issue with my #truelove story because I'm trying to keep the chapters close to 1500 words each. So, it's hard to really get into the story right away, with all the setup. So, maybe there's a way to hint at something unusual--maybe a question Eldora has always had about Adrian, something odd she noticed that would hint he could travel to other worlds? (Though, I'm not really sure yet how that will play out, so just an example.)

I hesitate to write this next thought because it's such a cliche >< But I feel like there was a lot of adverbs and, for me personally, too many can break the flow for me, if that makes sense?
For example, "What are we gonna do today?" He asked excitedly
Could be "What are we gonna do today?" He asked, bouncing on his heels.
Kinda silly example, but I both convey excitement to the reader and the second one, I think, helps the reader visualize the scene. I hope that makes sense. I use adverbs for sure. I am not guiltless xD But I try to change them into prose when I can.

I ended up reading more chapters because I was enjoying it, so thank you for the opportunity! Good luck with the contest!

[ratscout]

@cherrystark

I really enjoyed reading your story! It's very well written and I don't think I noticed any grammatical errors!
Praise: I think you did a really good job creating chemistry between our main character and Luke! It's cute that he calls her princess, and I appreciate that you gave Ava some extra character depth by having her work a non-profit and generally being a hard worker! I also like the added depth of Luke having been with people before and Ava having not been. I think this could add an interesting conflict to their relationship that feels realistic!

Feedback: While I think your characters have great chemistry so far, I would like to see a bit more character information added to them outside of their relationship. (e.g., what is Ava's job like? How does she behave there? Does she melt away into her job, going unappreciated which makes her value Luke's attention even more, or does she shine at her job? What sort of hobbies does she have? Any weird personality tweaks?) I think things like this can endear her character to us a little more and help her shine as a character!

Additionally (and this is probably just a personal taste thing) I prefer slow burn romances, so I would have the audience wait a little bit longer before Ava does anything with Luke. It sort of keeps the audience on edge, too, and keeps them curious to keep reading more. For example, maybe you can add something in where Ava wants to be intimate with Luke, but his past history with other girls really puts her off, so she keeps putting him off, too. I would introduce our secondary male character around this time, too, and have Ava contemplate which one she likes more. I would also want to hear more about Luke's relationship with Morgan, too, from both his and Ava's point of view!

Overall, I think you're off to a great start and I am enjoying this story!

[Hoku_1]

Have commented and gave feedback

Read Punchline Of Love | Tapas Web Novels

I would love to do this! and this is my contest story. Can't wait to see what you think!

[Hoku_1]

(post withdrawn by author, will be automatically deleted in 24 hours unless flagged)

[Hoku_1]

@ratscout

feedback for your first chapter:
This chapter effectively captures the mundanity and dissatisfaction in Eldora's life, particularly in her job and marriage. The narrative provides insight into her daily struggles, both professionally and personally. Here are some specific points and suggestions for improvement:

1. Show, don't tell: While the chapter does a good job of describing Eldora's emotions and experiences, consider incorporating more sensory details and actions to immerse the reader in the scene. Instead of stating that her husband came home unpleasant, describe his body language, facial expressions, or the tone of his voice to convey his mood.

2. Dialogue dynamics: The dialogue between Eldora and her husband feels authentic, but consider adding more subtext or unspoken tension to enhance the emotional depth. Non-verbal cues, pauses, or gestures can add layers to their communication and make the interaction more compelling.

3. Character development: Eldora's reflections on her past and comparison to her first love provide depth to her character. Consider delving further into her internal struggles and desires, allowing readers to empathize with her on a more personal level. What does she truly want, and what is preventing her from achieving it?

4. Balancing detail: While it's important to convey Eldora's dissatisfaction, consider balancing the negative aspects with moments of positivity or hope. This can add complexity to her character and make her journey more relatable for readers.

5. Consistency in tone: Ensure that the tone remains consistent throughout the chapter. While there are moments of tension and conflict, be mindful of maintaining a cohesive emotional atmosphere that aligns with the overall theme of mundane jobs and strained relationships.

6. Pacing: The pacing is generally good, but be cautious not to rush through important moments. Take the time to explore Eldora's thoughts and emotions in pivotal scenes to allow readers to connect more deeply with the character.

7. Grammar and punctuation: Check for grammatical errors and punctuation issues, especially in dialogue. Ensure consistency in punctuation styles and use proper formatting to enhance readability.

8. Engaging openings and closures: Consider refining the opening and closing paragraphs to create a stronger hook and sense of closure. These sections are crucial for capturing the reader's attention and leaving a lasting impression.

Overall, the chapter effectively conveys the challenges Eldora faces in her daily life. By incorporating more sensory details, enhancing dialogue dynamics, and deepening character development, you can elevate the emotional impact of the narrative and draw readers further into Eldora's world.

[ratscout]

@Rhynne

Hello! I have read the first 5 chapters and can now give you some feedback!

Praise: I think you really understand your audience with this story! I can tell this is geared towards a high schooler audience, but in a way that respects their intelligence and understanding of the school life. I think the humor and snarkiness of Danielle is very relatable and I love how she just wants toc hill and watch netflix on the weekends lol. I think Allison is charming, too, and I got a few laugh-out-loud moments from the story. I like the concept of the story as it sort of reminds me of one of my favorite books/movies, To Kill a Mockingbird where the kids are investigating an odd house with an odd person therein. I think it's a fun concept.

Feedback: I think adding in a few more sensory details and descriptions of the environment would help ground me in the moments of the story a little bit better, especially when big stuff goes down. E.g., mention physiological reactions to things more such as: Sweating, heart thudding, head hurting, what the environment smells like/looks like, things like that. I do think adding in some character wants/needs would help us attach to them more, too. For example, maybe add in something each character wants in their personal life (e.g., a good grade, a good job, more money, a boyfriend/girlfriend) but add in some barrier that gets in their way (e.g., trouble studying, too young to get a good job, person they're attracted to is already in a relationship with someone else), and so forth. I would also add in more about the general setting, too, to rope readers in, as I find some of the more amusing parts of the story are just Danielle talking about the good/annoying aspects of school. Especially as a homeschooler, I find this amusing and grounds me a bit more in the story better since I am unfamiliar with the setting LOL.

Otherwise, I think you're off to a great start! Nice work~!

[ratscout]

Don't forget to add a comment and critique for my story~! I forgot to remind you of the rules before reading yours LOL.

[ratscout]

Thanks so much for the critique! Incorporated most critiques~!

[ratscout]

Thanks so much for the feedback! My stories are notorious for not having a good hook, so I appreciate it LOL. I incorporated most of it!

[ratscout]

Thanks for mentioning me not saying her name enough! That was a great critique, LOL. I added in her physical appearance and location, too. Good critiques~!

[ratscout]

@ralyash

Hello there! I finally read the first 5 chapters! Sorry it took so long! Have a hectic schedule lately. Without adieu.

Praise: I think you've created a lot of interesting characters with a lot of depth who have really neat back stories! There's a lot to play around with when it comes to their circumstances and interactions that I think will keep the reader interested and reading more! I like our main character as I think she portrays a young girl pretty accurately, but not cruelly or in an exaggerated way (we've all read book where we're like, "Yuck. I don't like that ending." LOL). She reminds me a bit of Sarah from the movie, Labyrinth, in a good way, rather than a Bella Swan who I'm not as fond of LOL. I think our male main character is very interesting, too, and can compliment her very well as he has been through some rough times contrasting with the ordinary life of an average person from earth. I really liked the introduction of Maziar's mother! I like it when stories keep the protagonist's parents alive and actually give them a role to play. She's also snarky in a charming way which is hard to pull off. You are also a very good mechanical writer and I love your grammar and your attention to detail when it comes to the environment and character reactions!

Feedback: I do feel like a lot of the worldbuilding and magic system is a bit of an info dump at times, which can make it hard for the reader to process everything that's being told to them and makes it likelier that they might forget important details later on. It can also make the pace of a story drag a bit and slow things down. I personally prefer it when nuggets of information is given to the reader at a slower pace through dialogue and through more active scenes in a novel. I do feel like there are elements in the story that are told passively through narration that would have been a bit better off being told through dialogue or even through flashback (e.g., what happened with Maziar's sis and a lot of his backstory). However, I do think this is also something that can easily be detailed more in a later chapter through a flashback.

Overall, I really like this story and I think your characters have a lot of depth! Great work!

[ratscout]

Hi! I would love to leave comments and a critique, but the rules state that you have to leave at least 1 comment on mine and critique at least the first chapter. Thanks!

[ratscout]

Hi! The rules state that you have to leave at least 1 comment on mine and critique at least the first chapter before I read the first 5 of yours. I should have highlighted the rules better! Apologies!