I'll check out your story (with a twist)

[Gail_Blanco]

thanks a lot! I didn't expect you to answer, I'll try to apply those concepts more

[BOMB]

OK 3 things

Over complicated sentences- I think I would love this story a lot more if every sentence wasn't over crowded or over complicated by too many words and grammatical gymnastics. It's a problem in almost every other sentence so much so it almost feels like you did it so you'd have a bigger word count. It ruins the flow of the story and makes me get caught up in places that shouldn't hold my attention for very long.

Nonchalant thoughts and dialog- the main character, the plot, and set up are interesting. That being said I can't get over how nonchalant the main characters thoughts are. I get that might be the point, but the way he says things or thinks things is more so the problem than what he's actually saying or thinking. It's also a bit too stiff and proper in a few places so it almost feels robotic, among other things.

Your use of ' when you should be using " - In America, Canada, Australia and New Zealand, the general rule is that double quotes are used to denote direct speech. Single quotes are used to enclose a quote within a quote, a quote within a headline, or a title within a quote.

For example You'd write something like:

He said, 'don't touch me.'

When you should be writing:

He said, "don't touch me."

I give your story a 4 out of 10. It would have been a 5 had your quotation marks been used correctly. You're right around average, but like everyone, a little or a lot of editing will be your friend and make you better.

[lenpuky]

Thanks so much! I’ll try my best!

[BOMB]

I give you a 6.5 almost a 7 out of 10.

There were only a few things I noticed that you could try to immediately improve, but none of them were jarring issues.

Paragraphs- your paragraphs are really short, and that's only an issue because I feel like you could combine some of them rather than breaking them up. The way they are right now makes things feel a little choppy. You wrote things well enough that they flow, but I don't see a need for so many of your paragraphs to be so short when they could be merged. And I'm not talking about rewriting anything, I literally just mean taking out the spaces between them. Some of your paragraphs are literally just one sentence long, and sometimes that's cool, it can be dramatic and make things stand out. But when most of your paragraphs are only two or three sentences long, like I said, they start to feel choppy.

Cliché dialog- I think you can be a little more creative and insightful with your characters Dialog, or at least be a little less predictable.

For example:

"I want to help you. I really, really, really do."

Voices in a white room- sometimes it feels like your characters are talking floating heads in a white room, especially I'm your first chapter, though I understand it might have been intentional there.

But like I said, these were minor things. I'd still rank you slightly above average.

[BOMB]

Just a reminder, I did say I would be brutally honest. A few people have private messaged me about my criticisms not taking into account that some people are still learning, but I only have one thing to say to that.

I'm not judging or ranking how hard you worked, or how long it took you to draw or write your stories. I'm judging and ranking the finished products you put out. When most people see your work, they aren't going to know how long you've been an artist or an author. They won't know how old you are. They probably won't care. All they see is the finished product. All they're looking for is a good story. It doesn't matter if your still learning, if your story is bad then your story is bad. It doesn't matter if you took weeks to draw pages, if the art doesn't look good then the art doesn't look good. Don't get mad, try to do better.

If you can't take criticism, you probably won't get any better.

I'm enjoying these reviews and I've found some good stories, but let me remind everyone. I'm only reviewing stories you ask me to. If you don't have thick enough skin to hear what I have to say, then you probably shouldn't ask for my opinion.

I appreciate everyone who has participated. And I hope that the reviews I've given will help you guys grow as creators.

[TheBluester]

Thank you for the critiuqe! I'll be sure to improve my novel from now on (and even get to editing the chapters I have right now ^^). Thank you so much for the feedback!

[Meehow]

Hey there! Looking forward to your feedback, although this one will be very long

Windfall | Tapas

Windfall

[irislm]

I'm sorry bcoz i am slow reader. But I'm amazed by the number of genres you tried. I will definitely check out your work. I will read my other first boyfriend well the title got me

[BOMB]

It caught me off guard when there were suddenly walkie-talkies/cell phones considering up until that point everything seemed medieval.

In the first episode you had like a sheet or scroll that explained the light walking ability, and it had some bad grammar.

The Art is nice.

The queens face looked a bit crazy, but considering she died relatively fast, I guess it doesn't matter too much.

In episode two I found it a little hard to believe that Onney was teaching the new guy to slack off as if he had to slack off. I can understand if a job is low key so employees naturally take it easy, but it was difficult to believe a person would push for that level of lack of responsibility.

Also you have a thought bubble that just says thought bubble. I'm not sure if that was intentional, and I don't see how or why it would be.

The story is easy enough to follow, but my question is, why did the princes run? I understand the plot needed her to, but it looked like she was going to wait. She had no way of knowing the king sent men after her, so why did she suddenly decide she had to run in the first episode. Well when I got to episode 4 I saw her teacher was the one who radioed her to run, but that feels like it shouldn't have worked considering he only told her to run after the king had already sent his men. They weren't in different buildings. But I guess it makes enough sense to let it go. (Sort of a ret con, in my opinion)

In episode 3 having the band members basically lay out what's happening before it happens was a little cheap but also unnecessary. I feel you could have found a better way to explain what was happening, or just not have explained it at all since what happened next is what happened next.

I think this comic is nice but it's rough around the edges as far as delivering information at times. I give it a 7 out of 10 so far.

[Meehow]

It caught me off guard when there were suddenly walkie-talkies/cell phones considering up until that point everything seemed medieval.

Yep, in this universe the artifact based technology/ powers of the marked ones, will be giving some surprising results,

In the first episode you had like a sheet or scroll that explained the light walking ability, and it had some bad grammar.

Thanks, will get back to this one

In episode two I found it a little hard to believe that Onney was teaching the new guy to slack off as if he had to slack off. I can understand if a job is low key so employees naturally take it easy, but it was difficult to believe a person would push for that level of lack of responsibility.

Well that's the type of personality we wanted Onney to have, as he will be a recurring character.

Also you have a thought bubble that just says thought bubble. I'm not sure if that was intentional, and I don't see how or why it would be.

There is an asterisk in that additional bubble, which we wanted to work as an explanation for the black/thought bubbles.

The story is easy enough to follow, but my question is, why did the princes run? I understand the plot needed her to, but it looked like she was going to wait. She had no way of knowing the king sent men after her, so why did she suddenly decide she had to run in the first episode.

Based on the story, Hotchett bolts out of the throne room and calls her immediately... I think you might have missed those panels ? He tells her to trust him and run, later we will delve more into their mentor/student bond and his disbelief for king's actions.

They weren't in different buildings. But I guess it makes enough sense to let it go. (Sort of a ret con, in my opinion)

In Episde 4 the flashback shows that when Demacris has entered the room, princess used the invisibility spell and thanks to this she slipped the castle.

In episode 3 having the band members basically lay out what's happening before it happens was a little cheap but also unnecessary. I feel you could have found a better way to explain what was happening, or just not have explained it at all since what happened next is what happened next.

In this case we have wanted to give a feeling that this kind of scams are becoming frequent as one of the mafia bosses is trying to take over another locale. The smart guys have already seen this and were sure what will happen, alas Rave changed the scenario a bit

I think this comic is nice but it's rough around the edges as far as delivering information at times. I give it a 7 out of 10 so far.

Thanks for the feedback! If you stick with the story I can promise you that once things will open up, this will be a hell of a ride

[vholdfield]

I would love it if you could check my novel 'Broken Hearts'

Broken Hearts | Tapas

I'll check 'My Other First Boyfriend'

[BOMB]

Very nice read. I'd rank Broken Hearts at a 6-7 out of 10 almost an 8, but there were a few things that kept popping up.

In a few instances you confused word meanings. For example You might have written:

"I might have been out of luck if he wouldn't have saved me."

But it was pretty clear you meant to write:

"I might have been out of luck if he hadn't saved me."

And then you have a few redundancies in your sentence structures. If you say that something is soft , you shouldn't have to say it again in the same sentence. An example of this is saying

" Her hands were so soft as she grabbed my shoulder softly."

Using the same adjectives or repeating metaphors in the same paragraph, or worse, the same sentence can make things feel repetitive. And that can make things feel like a chore to get through. It wasn't so bad that I couldn't continue reading, but I definitely noticed that you do this.

Another thing I think you could improve is your set dressing. I appreciate that you make it clear where characters are, but you don't paint very vivid pictures of each room.

For example, let's say you make it clear that everyone is sitting around a table eating dinner. It would add so much value if you described what kind of table it is, who's sitting next to who, what does the room look like, what kind of food are they eating. Each detail helps to further pull people into the story because they'll start to see what you see.

[HeadHouseSystem]

What an exciting idea omg! Will definitely be checking you out, regardless of your scoring but here's ours! Hope that you're interested in mental health and dissociative disorders as well as journals

https://tapas.io/series/Synced-A-DID-Systems-Journal

[AbsalonEstudio]

hey here is my story

The Princess and the Florist | Tapas

thanks