Hello done for yours - It was interesting. I do like the characters, writing style, but here are some things to consider:-
"Finally!" he mumbled - feels slightly contradicting as he is excited but at the same time mumbling his words.
with hope and excitement* remove the a hope* , I passed* instead of I have passed* which will make the sentences flow smoother.
Your spacing (paragraph) is a bit chaotic - I see that there's three that you are using.
(No space, single space and then one tab space)
Think that it would better to start with job hunting at the beginning instead of mentioning about the coffee shop. Mention job hunting and his strength and weaknesses and where he aim to work, restaurants, coffee shops etc.
Missing a lot of commas at the end of conversations ," - Eg. "H-h-he-llo,"
'Knock some sense into' check list
snatches Jan out of my arms while* giving me a death glare
Try using Grammarly to check on this spelling errors - it would spot help to spot a lot of mistakes
devine - I think you mean divine*
teacher looks not lookes, He bark* not barkes, sternly* not sternlly, ice cream (with space), taking not takng*
6.3 inches/m tall? adding a measurement would be great
