I’ll review your first two chapters – novels only! FULL/CLOSED

So you have an interesting concept, and I like that you've clearly put a lot of work into the lore of the world you've created. That being said, the prologue has a lot of info and it was honestly a bit much. There's a lot of titles and ranks thrown in very quickly along with a lot of lore that makes the opening paragraphs feel very dense. The descriptions that paint the picture of the creation of the universe are also very verbose, but the sentences often cut off very abruptly so that they don't flow very well and give off a sort of awkward feel when reading it.

As for grammar, it's pretty good, but the punctuation for dialogue was inconsistent, so I'd suggest another look at that. Other than that, there's a few tense changes, and some typos. I usually recommend another look over just to smooth things out.

The wording does get a bit awkward at times like: "grunted his own cerebral disturbance." I'm just not sure what this means and because it made me pause it took me out of the story. Or: He especially picked at Gabriel, poking him and being cruel to his equally cruel and manipulative ways." It's a very redundant sentence and I'm not sure what you're referring to.

There's also not a clear focus on characters. We're introduced to Haniel, and he gives us more info, we meet their teacher, then Dagiel and hear his thoughts, then we jump to Gabriel, etc. We jump around a lot, but there's no indication on who we're meant to focus on, and it makes things hard to follow when we switch POV's so much. We also get introduced to a lot of concepts and terms, but without space lo let all the new information breathe, it also becomes hard to follow.

Another thing is there isn't a lot of descriptions on the setting. There doesn't really need to be a lot of detailed info on where they are, but there should be something to give readers an image of where things are taking place.

The chapter ends very abruptly and doesn't really set much up for the next chapter. It needs a hook, something to make readers want to read on. Personally, I'd get rid of the prologue and start with chapter one while slowly introducing the lore and terms.

The first chapter also has a lot of info, but some of it feels disjointed. Like, we get some names dropped when Haniel takes out his cards and he tells us things about these angels, but that's stuff Dagiel should know, so it feels awkward to have it in a conversation. Then we sometimes get explanations about what they're talking about, like "sheeting", but it comes a bit too late. Also wanted to point out, at the start you have Haniel walking up to Dagiel and slapping him on the shoulder, but then you say Dagiel walked over to Haniel, so I was a bit confused about that.

Again we have some places where it's hard to follow who we're focusing on. Like when Gabriel boards the blimp, then we have Uriel talking to him, then we jump back to Haniel, but we don't get told this is Haniel talking, and I only realized this because he talks about Dagiel leaving. Throughout that whole paragraph he is not referred to by name, only "he". Coincidentally, we also get every sentence starting with the same word, "he" and it gets very repetitive and cuts the flow along with the lack of variation in sentence structure. It just feels a bit like a list of his actions.

We don't get a lot of Haniel's thought process. Instead we get that things he sees and does and hears along with a lot of information that isn't really crucial, but we don't get a lot of how he feels about things or why he feels that way. There's also a lot of time jumps and it's a bit jarring, to be honest.

The next part we get where Haniel is on Earth(I think?) is odd. I wasn't sure what was going on as we suddenly leave his POV and see what feels like more lore building, then we go back to Haniel and it's a bit unclear, but I'm guessing he passed his test and was sent to Earth. So, a lot is happening, but it's all very fast and we're not being given the info that's important while being given a lot of info that isn't immediately relevant to understand the story. Because we spend a lot of time being told all this about the world, the lore, and the immediate actions of the characters, we're not getting shown a lot about who these characters are and it makes it hard to form a connection to them, especially as there are a lot of characters being introduced in two chapters.

Another thing to point out is that the impact of the truth of what Axia is kind of got lost because I hadn't connected with the characters and was still trying to follow what was going on. The last exchange between the characters was interesting because it felt like we finally got a look into who they are. The chapter does end a bit abruptly though, and even though I know there's a lot going on, there's nothing to tease what's going to happen or what I should look forward to.

Again, I think the concept is interesting, the lore is cool, but needs more spacing out. To me it feels like you deeply care about this project and are excited to tell the story, but in telling us the story, you need to keep in mind that we don't know this world or characters the way you do. I want to know who these characters are, who Haniel is and more of his connection with Dagiel, and why I should root for them. Also, the Proto-Men and monsters sound interesting, they sound like a threat and I'd like to see how the angels deal with that. Basically, show us who these characters are before you tell us about the world and let your story breathe a bit. Readers on Tapas want quick reads they can binge and characters they can cling to and you have a lot of characters with a lot of potential.

Okay, so your story flows really well. You have a nice variety of structuring in your sentences and your wording is simple, but paints a clear picture and I really didn't feel myself stumbling while reading. You also have a very nice, light-hearted tone going on that almost feels cozy. You also have a nice way of sprinkling interesting bits through otherwise mundane information that makes me want to read on, like the voodoo dolls and the foreshadowing about the book. It always comes at a time where I was starting to forget what point we were supposed to be heading towards.

There are a couple of parts where the sentences get a bit long winded and the point of them gets lost. Particularly at the part about the book, and especially the first sentence in that paragraph. Maybe it's the wording, but that sentence feels a bit awkward and doesn't flow quite as well. Personally, I'd remove the part of after "sentence", and move on to the next line.

I loved the part where Ennette rages at the book--or that one character, actually. It really made her shine as a character and was a really good way to endear her to readers. Especially because we've all been there at some point, haha.

The grammar is solid, btw. I think I only found one typo near the end of the first chapter, where you might have meant to say "gown" and instead wrote "down". Other than that, your writing is strong and your voice is consistent. I also enjoyed the way you closed the chapter. It was true to the sort of whimsical tone and still made me want to keep reading. Another thing I though was nice was the way you continued to allude to the change in norm that would happen at the end, reminding everyone that things are normal for now.

Don't have much to say about chapter two. The writing is strong and the voice is consistent. Really enjoyed the thought process Ennette went through, it said a lot about who she is a person and the sorts of things she values. The only bit I'd point out is the part where her wish is written, you wrote: "She thought for a moment, then scrawled something..." but it was unclear who "she" is because we'd just had a line spoken by Ennette, though in context you could figure out who was being referred to, it's just a little detail though.

Great ending, by the way. I love the humor in the story and again, the light-hearted tone throughout it. You really brought Ennette to life with all the little details and showing her thought process.

Don't really have a lot of advice, your writing's solid and as a reader, I'm interested in what Ennette will encounter next! If you're looking for something to get you more reads, I'd honestly recommend using the illustration of Ennette on the cover. Tapas is a visual site and people veer more towards books with characters they can latch onto, it's why covers with faces pull in more people. The illustrations are really nice too!

So, I like the intrigue you built up about the village, but I think the first paragraph does a bit too much to set the tone. It tells the reader a lot about appearances being deceiving and dark secrets, but the rest of the story and the details you throw in do a good job at setting this up through ominous hints and tone. I do like the first sentence and it could be a nice standalone line followed by a trimmed down version of the rest of the paragraph leading to the story.

The second paragraph could also do with a bit of editing to smooth things out and make things flow better. One of the main issues I see with 1st person stories is the overuse of "I" to start sentences, and you do fall into this from time to time, also with the word "there". The repetition added with simple observations stacked over one another in short sentences gives things a bit of a jerky feel. Play around with sentence structures to make things smoother and paint a more cohesive picture. Here's an excerpt of what I mean:

"I was on the run. I wore a hooded raincoat in an effort to disguise myself. It was one that was slightly too large for me, but it would have to do."

And here's one way it could be re-arranged.

"I was on the run. In an effort to hide myself I wore a hooded raincoat that was slightly too large--it would have to do."

I do find it interesting that there's so many things we don't know as the story progresses. Why is the boy leaving? What about his family? What's up with the village? Those are all really good questions to have as we head to the second chapter, just to keep people interested.

As to the characters, there's not a lot of them, but I do think you could build up the main character, particularly as this is in 1st person POV. The story tells us a lot about what he sees and hears and a bit of the reasoning behind his choices, but we aren't shown much about how he feels and who he is. With this POV you have a chance to really get into the character's head and I think it's something that's lacking in the first chapter. That also kind of connect with another thing I wanted to point out which is the voice that I feel doesn't come off as strongly as it could. The narrator sounds a bit passive as he recounts a story that should bring out some emotion, given the hints to a darker secret he'll encounter.

The exchange with the ticket-checker was a bit odd. The main character is eight years old, but he sounds much older, and the attitude he showed the man seems off given his situation. One would expect him to not want to call attention to himself, so he'd probably be polite, vague in his reasons and circumstances, and with an excuse/lie as to why he was on his own.

The second chapter continues to build up Cubbington as this dangerous place, but it does feel a bit heavy handed and it's odd that some people can't stand to hear the name, while others are shouting about it at the top of their lungs. There's also a bit of odd wording like: "He had some sort of muscular body..."

It's not technically wrong, it's just sort of out of place and made me pause for a bit. Also, the main character is eight and greeted the barman rudely, I'm not sure the barman would politely introduce himself and call him sir.

Overall, it's an interesting story, definitely curious to see what's up with the village since it's seemingly normal, even pleasant. It was nice how the second chapter ends with a very normal looking man giving a normal response. Really underlines just how dark things can hide beneath very inconspicuous circumstances.

Like I said, interesting story that just need some fine tuning. Would definitely at least give a once over to fix up missing words, typos and smooth things out.

Okay, so I liked your opening chapter! Not a lot happens, and it's short, but those are actually good things because what does happen is interesting and unusual enough to hold the chapter up and it's short enough that mobile readers would stick through to the end. Your dialogue punctuation is a bit inconsistent in that sometimes it's perfect and other times things that shouldn't be capitalized are, so just give that another look over. Also, on that note, when the crows are arguing you say they're "bricking" with each other, but I think you meant "bickering" so just wanted to point that out.

One of the things that stuck out to me was the voice the story is told in. We have a young narrator living in modern times, but the way things are worded sometimes feels a bit overly verbose and more like something you'd expect from a more detached narrator in a 3rd person limited or omniscient POV.

The writing itself is good and you've struck a pretty good rhythm, but there are a couple spots where I had to pause and read over a sentence. When the MC is thinking about Mrs. Kelley, for example:

Mrs. Kelley always said I was a little off, but if I was being honest here--even if I was vividly seeing and hearing things again--it was her forcing us kids to call her mother when she was only fostering us for the money she received from the state.

That sentence feels incomplete. We get told a motive, but not what it's supposed to explain. So we learn about Mrs. Kelley and what she was like, but how does that connect with what's going on in the story?

The other spot comes near the end:

So, this wasn't new, but as of now: I had more pressing matters to worry about like--where will I be eating next month, or eating dinner for tonight?

This sentence just feels awkward and overly-complicated. One of the ways you can streamline it so that it flows better:

So, this wasn't new, but I had more pressing matters to worry about--like where I'd be eating next month or whether I'd be eating tonight.

Also, before I forget, the opening sentence kind of threw me off because of the way it ended and the line that followed it. I thought for a minute the story would be in present tense but then we switched tense and stayed there.

Second chapter, not much happens, but the tone of it feels better and more consistent. I do feel like it could be combined with another chapter just to make it feel less fragmented. Another thing is the last line in the opening paragraph. I'm not sure why it's italicized, if it's for emphasis or it's because it's something the narrator is thinking. If it's the latter it's not necessary given that we're already in the character's thoughts as it's a 1st person POV.

In general, it's an interesting start! The writing's pretty good and it's definitely intriguing. I will say, the first chapter did a good job at hinting at things and setting things up, but the second didn't really go anywhere. So, heading into the third chapter I wouldn't really be sure what to expect or look forward to. While the first chapter has some intrigue with the mention of whoever the crows serve, the second feels stagnant. Yes, the crows are still there, and we have a new character mentioned, but we're not told anything else, so the main question going forward after that is who Lucien is, and the intrigue built up in the first chapter is pushed back sort of taking away from the work already done to draw readers in.

To me, it feels like the story slows down a bit in the second chapter--which feels more like an unrelated interlude--because the main point of interest, which is who Kaschel is, was kinda pushed back. We're establishing Adeline's world and circumstances, but in doing so we've paused the forward momentum heading to the twist that leads us further into the story. It's probably because of how the chapters are split that it feels this way too, making things feel fragmented. Right now I know from the summary and the first chapter that there's a more fantastical twist coming up, and that feels like an important part of the story, but it's not present in chapter two and that takes the bite out of it when it does arrive.

So yeah, good start, but it might need a bit of shifting things around if you want to keep readers interested.

No problem, like I said, it's a good read! And yeah, covers are tough to figure out sometimes, but I think that could really help you out. The art you have is very nice, btw.

@ThePassionOfAchilles Editing sucks, tbh. I'm just finishing up line edits to my third re-write, so I feel your pain on that, lol. I think you just have to pace yourself with the information being introduced and keep readers in mind to make your story truly engaging to newcomers. It can be rough when you're passionate about something, but figuring out how to tell a story is almost as important as the story itself.

@BelleBriar I'm not sure if it's a pacing issue, since I only read two chapters, or if it's a structuring issue. I've had to deal with both before, lol. If the information in the first chapters is essential to the understanding of the story, that's one thing, but if a lot of it can be cut or shifted to be shown at a later time, that would be better. Just try to start as close to the start of the actual story as possible. Maybe look into writing structures like the three act one mostly used in scripts or save the cat. It actually helps a lot with streamlining stories just to know where you're headed and what beats you need to hit along the way.

Hello! Sorry this took a while, but I enjoyed your work! The way the characters were introduced was very well done and you really have a way of building them up in a natural way with little mannerisms and details that makes them feel more authentic. You've honestly done such a nice job at weaving in all these details that very organically presents a lot of information, it's very nice to see.

I will say, the transition from Besh's POV to King David's was a bit sudden. There's a couple ways to go about this, either make a clearer transition, place a divider to indicate a change in setting, or cut the chapter there and start chapter two from the king's POV. The latter could work considering shorter chapters sometimes help keep readers' attention and you have enough intrigue in the first half of chapter on to want people invested in the story to want to read on for some answers.

Small thing to point out, but at the part where the king is thinking back about his family troubles you have a couple sentences in close proximity ending with "he thought" and it does feel a bit repetitive. It does feel like the king is simply listing the excuses he gave as he reflects on the situation, but because of the short sentences it gives off a jerky sort of feel to that paragraph.

Again, the change in POV is a bit sudden, so I would definitely recommend a divider be placed there. One last thing to point out before heading to chapter two is that sometimes there is also a lot of repetition with the start of sentences. The final paragraph does this while describing Besh's actions and feelings and, again, it reads almost like a list. The final line is good, but there's something missing there, something to hook readers. Chapter endings are tough and I think you did well.

Second chapter also has the issue of abrupt switches from one POV to another. A couple parts are a bit oddly worded, e.g.:

The King called his name several times, hugging him, it seemed, tighter on each occasion.

It's not technically wrong, it's just that the sentence feels fragmented and breaks the flow of the story. The part where David is telling Besh about his search for Albert and the other troubles he's dealing with also feels a bit jerky because of the very brief sentences that make up the dialogue.

So yeah, very well written with interesting characters, though I worry the pacing might be a bit too slow. The main plot point is the search for Albert, but we spend two fairly long chapters building up the characters. On the one hand, I understand the need for that. On the other, I know the faster pace readers prefer, especially on sites like Tapas. If you could cut down a bit of what's there, I think it would help the pacing quite a bit. But yeah, good start to an interesting premise and I really enjoy the variety of characters you've introduced.

Okay, so it's pretty solid in terms of technical aspects like grammar, and your dialogue punctuation is good. There's not much I can say because of two reasons, the first being that I'm not at all familiar with Spiral Knights. That would be an issue if I were looking to read this story because it feels like, without established knowledge of the game it is harder to follow along with the story.

There's very little in the way of description, both when it comes to characters and settings. There's a lot of information being told, but it goes over my head because nothing is presented in a way that would work for newcomers to the game. Also missing is a strong voice. It definitely reads like you're retelling events from a game instead of telling a story because there's a lack of emotion in the narration.

So, yeah, it's fairly well-written, but lacks voice and a significant amount of details. It feels like you could expand on these characters and paint a clearer picture of them and their world with some work and by relying less on reader's familiarity with the source material.

Hello, sorry it took me a while to get to yours! On to the feedback!

Okay, so we start up learning a lot about Ji-Won, which is good and not so good. We're told about her aspirations, her goals, her family/parents, and why she'd so secretive about what she wants in life. But we get all this in two paragraphs! We don't know yet who Ji-Won is as a person, so it's hard to relate to her enough to care about what she wants. It's also a bit odd to have their names repeated during conversation when we've already been introduced, just because people don't talk like that.

The next bit is a nice way to talk about Ji-Won's dreams a little more naturally, but it also makes the bit of exposition we get at the start unnecessary and the constant repetition of her wish to be a boxer like her father feels redundant.

In general, the first chapter is solidly written in technical terms, but by the end of it there's nothing to really make readers excited. There's no twist, no suspense, or a promise of things to come so the only thing we have is Ji-Won's desires, but because we don't know Ji-Won yet, that might not be enough.

There's a lot of repetition in the second chapter as well. We're told multiple times that Ji-Won is passionate about boxing and she's a graceful boxer. I definitely see the influence from K-dramas, particularly when we get flashbacks, but I'm not sure that works as well in the story because we're not being shown what happens in these flashbacks in detail, so it feels like we're just being told things yet again. There's a lot of telling going on--we're told what the characters want, who they are as people as soon as we meet them, their past, etc.--but we're not shown who they are through the things they do and say. Because we're not getting to know the characters in a more organic way, the emotional impact of scenes like Ji-Won entering the boxing club for the first time and fighting her way into being accepted falls flat.

The ending scene with Seung-Ho and Min-Joon does this again, with telling us about their relationship instead of building it up and showing who they are as characters through their interactions. We also meet the male lead, but it's a not so dynamic meeting because nothing really happens, and the female lead is nowhere to be seen. It feels like the story should have started at a later point or cut down on unnecessary exposition to get to more efficiently introduce the characters and reach the first meeting between the female and male leads by the end of the first chapter. Or, at least, get to a more suspenseful point by the end of chapter one.

So yeah, I think it's well written, it flows well, and there's definitely potential to have an interesting story given Ji-Won's aspirations being unique. She could be a very interesting character, because the bits we see of who she is when we're being shown that are nice! She's strong, she's smart, she's independent, but you need to show us that to make her really shine!

If the chapters are about the length of a Tapas chapter. I just don't want to end up reading like, 5k word chapters, lol.

ETA: If you do DM me your story, just quote me here incase I'm not notified.

Okay, so this took way too long but I was busy. Sorry for the wait!

So, the start is interesting, it's nice that we begin the story with action, great way to get readers' attention. Also, dunno if you've watched the show but the drug reminds me of the redeye drug in Cowboy Bebop. Just a random thought I had, lol.

Anyway, like I said, interesting start, but even though there's a lot of action going on it's told in a very passive way that sort of takes the bite out of the scene. It's like in this sentence:

Before he could finish his sentence, something came down from the sky and grabbed one of them and pulled him up.

The wording is very vague, so it's hard to picture it, and the wording slows the pace of the actions that should feel more jarring and immediate. Here's a rewrite that cuts down on the wording to get to the action and make it move along at a quicker pace:

He was cut off as something shot down from the sky, grabbing and pulling him up.

The other thing is the conversation they guys are having is a bit confusing, but that's also because, by this point, it's very hard to get a feel of the scene. It's unclear who these people are, what they look like, where this is all taking place or who I should be following. Taking a moment to set the stage would help a lot in creating a clearer mental image. Back to the dialogue, bits of it don't really make sense in the context given, and other bits sound unnatural, like when the one guy is straight up giving background information while another person is floating right in front of them.

There's also some inconsistency in tense usage, some repetitive wording like "light of lightning" and the usual typos, so definitely give it a once over. Oh, and also maybe fix up the spacing to be more consistent. I also found some bits that were very unclear in their wording like:

The ground of that alley began to appear blood stains with rainwater.

The first scene is really interesting. Like I said, great way to grab people's attention, but there's definitely some smoothing out that needs to be done.

Overall, it's an interesting concept, but the writing feels very stiff and there's a lot of odd wording and lack of clarity when it comes to who's speaking or where something is taking place.