I’ll review your first two chapters – novels only! FULL/CLOSED

No problem! Good luck with your patreon!

@miyaskya Sure, I'll check it out soon!

Hello!

Okay, I read your story, and it's interesting, just like the first one. I like the action at the start, but it's a shame that the first chapter is more of a recap, as you say. Maybe because of this, there's a lot of information being given in the first chapter, but it's hard to keep track of things going on because there's a lot of jumping around to different times/locations. Mostly, it feels like you should trust your readers more to remember what's going on with the story and who's who and just get into the story. Your characters are memorable and you can just give little nudges to remind readers who's who as the story progresses, like you did with Thallios/Amara when they showed up.

The second chapter is interesting, and it's nice to see an emotional connection being built between the reader and Astatine as we see him struck by grief at the sight of his former home. It would be nice to be given more details on the world around him, though. What does the village look like? How does it compare to what it was before? What images come to mind for him when he looks at the ruins? These things can help build up the emotional impact of the scene as we see through Astatine's eyes what he's lost. In general, some more descriptions would really add to the story, but I think I mentioned that last time? I dunno, it would just be nice to have more on what Astatine sees, smells, feels, etc.

I really enjoy the relationship between Astatine and Samarian, and the scene where he leaves was nice. You also added some nice details in the part where Astatine reached the village in the Western Territories. The way the chapter ended with a bit of intrigue regarding the musician was good, gives something to wonder about and look forward to in the next chapter.

As far as technical stuff, there really weren't any glaring errors. Maybe some unclear wording, like in the bar scene in the second chapter where Astatine confronts the soldiers, I didn't know what the line about his irises flashing meant, like do they change color? The only other thing I'd point out was mostly an issue in the first chapter, and I think it's because it was more of a retrospective look at what happened so far. Because we're being told what happened in the past, the story took a more passive tone. Maybe look back on that and try to cut the passive wording, like the use of the word had when it's not necessary.

In general, it's an interesting story, and again, you've provided enough in the second chapter to make people want to read on and see how the musician fits into the story. You build up your characters well in their interactions, maybe because you also made the story--or at least the previous book--into a comic, so I'm guessing that's why you do well with showing who your characters are as people in the way they go about things. So yeah, good work, just a couple things to keep in mind, and best of luck with this new story!

No problem! Your story was fun to read, it would just be nice to get a little more detail every now and then, but you have some good descriptions too. You can definitely keep some of the recap bits, maybe just have Astatine thinking back on what happened, kinda reflecting on it all. Definitely get wanting to show a different POV of the same events, and Astatine sounds like an interesting character. Best of luck with the rest of this story and the comic!

Hello! I've read your story and it has a pretty cool premise. It was nice to see how Ven struggles in school because of his bullies, and I do like that his mom is supportive even though there is a sense of helplessness there in regards to how little she can do to help Ven.

In general, the writing is fine, though the punctuation for dialogue needs to be fixed--end dialogue in a comma when followed by a speech tag (he said, she asked, etc.) and a period when followed by an action tag (he smiled, she waved, etc.). There's bits of odd wording, like the end of chapter one when Auroa "pops her lips". I wasn't sure what that meant. At the start of chapter two; "Ven's eyes flip open and gasps loudly." Adding "he" before "gasps" would make the sentence clearer. Just little things like that you should look over.

The other thing I wanted to point out are the transitions you put between scenes indicating changes of location/time. It feels like the story would flow better is you incorporated those details into the narrative, especially as, in the second chapter you have one that tells us the next scene takes place in the afternoon, but the next line lists the things Ven did that morning as he got ready to head out. The ending to both chapters is good though. You raised up interesting questions to get people to keep reading, especially with the cliffhanger in the second chapter.

In general, I think the plot works well and you give enough clues as to something going on to keep people reading. Ven is interesting, his mother is fun, and there's a good build up of mystery. That being said, the first chapter had a lot of telling when things could have been--and sometimes were--shown. The introduction to Ven, for example, is us just being told about him, when it would be a lot more interesting and make for more dynamic storytelling to have us be shown who he is. It's like when we're told that Ven is bullied because of his ears, and that registers but doesn't have as much of an impact as being shown him being bullied just a little later. Same with the opening that covers some background info and world building.

The issue with just giving people information like that is that it's unlikely it will be retained. We are given a fair bit of world building in a sort of textbook style, but then quickly shift to the actual story that's engaging enough that the info we were given is quickly forgotten. At this point I really cannot recall anything about that opening section, which is fine because I'm guessing it will all be repeated at some point for Ven's benefit. And that's the thing, Ven being a stand-in for readers and knowing as little as us provides a chance to more efficiently provide that same information at a more opportune moment.

In general, it's a cool story. Some bits stood out, like the very Western names contrasting starkly with the Japanese surnames (and I think PJ's surname should be spelled "Yamamoto" instead of "Yamamato"). Some more detailing on the setting could be better used to build up the story, like the end of the second chapter. A bit more detail on what Ven feels, sees, etc. could make the scene more impactful. The pacing is nice, a lot happens but it doesn't feel like too much and does well to keep readers engaged. Also like the cover, simple but fitting and the design is pretty cool. So yeah, overall it's good, just needs a little bit of work!

Hello! Just read your first two chapters, loved the setting of a magic school and that the story is being told from a teacher's POV. It was also nice to have the juxtaposition of elegant opulence and a seedy sort of underside to the setting in the first chapter, although I felt like there were some phrases and words that got a bit too much use in the first chapter--vile, pompous, poor lamb, etc. The metaphor of the sacrificial lamb being chased by the wolves is interesting, but because it went on for the entirety of the chapter it sort of obscured what was going on, so it was a bit confusing. Some of the wording was also a bit repetitive, like the line about "crimson of their falling drops of carmine liquid jewels."

The chapter was still exciting, and there's a sense of urgency to it as we follow the chase. There was also a lot of intrigue built up as to what's going on and how these characters know each other. Because the opening chapter was so interesting, it was a bit jarring to then switch to a more sedate pace with the next chapter, though I still found it interesting. You have some cool concepts, like the cat turning into the shadow and the bits of magic you show in the second chapter. The characters we spend the most time with are interesting, though it does feel like there's a few too many characters introduced in the second chapter and I honestly just remember Mine, Lydia, and Addai.

As far as technical bits, the dialogue punctuation is off. Dialogue ends in a comma when followed by speech tags (he said, she asked, etc.) and a period when followed by an action tag (he smiled, she stood, etc.). In the latter, the first word of the sentence following the dialogue should be capitalized. The other thing I noticed is some odd word choice and phrasing, like in the second chapter:

"YO! Be careful!!!" the boy avoided the worst with a spell.

It took me a moment to realize what was going on because the story doesn't tell us what spell is used and in what way. It's just that kind of thing, with wording needing to be a bit clearer so readers can better grasp what's going on. The word choices sometimes made me pause, like when the meeting is described as charming and heart-warming.

The quick change in attitude Addai went through threw me off and it took me a second to realize it was him. It's interesting, because now I'm curious to know why he changed so quickly, but felt like it came out of nowhere until I remembered it being mentioned earlier that he gave Mine an odd look when they were introduced. I do find it funny that he was initially said to be a true gentleman, lol. There are bits where we're told a lot about characters where it would be nice to be shown these things, but it's not really a big issue, just thought I'd mention it as something to keep in mind when introducing characters. I do like how Mine and Lydia were presented, it was a fun way to show who they are as characters with the different way they responded to being late. Lydia sounds like a fun character, btw.

Overall, I think your story is fun, your characters are different and interesting, and there's enough of a mystery being built up to keep readers asking questions. It's really a matter of editing a bit and making sure your wording is clear in how you paint a picture for readers. The pacing is good as well and the bits of worldbuilding you do make the world of your story seem interesting. Also, not related to your writing but your art is very pretty! Love the soft sort of vibe your style gives off, very charming!

Sorry, not doing these now as it says in the title. But I would definitely recommend you change your cover as AI is not allowed on Tapas and could result in your story being taken down.

@pablo-costa Sorry, not doing these at the moment. I'll probably do these again when I'm not busy!