Is there a way to learn to naturally intuit the right and wrong things to say?

I don´t know if there is a therapy but in my opinion it´s really important
to build up and to learn communication skills in real life.

Regular real life communicaton and avoiding online drama

It's something you just learn on your own with exp.

I have the same problem and I know damn well I will be creating a lot of enemies if I were to speak 100% of my entire world view on everything. Used to operate a YouTube channel where I'd rant about anything under the sun and it eventually got taken down for "hate speech"

I learned it's about learning not to give a shit what people think and at the same time, balance out my own ego and the need to seek attention online so... I don't see the need to start up another channel outside of YouTube so I can make another soapbox.

Either that or you become an anxious shell of a human who is too afraid to offend anyone. Entirely up to you.

I'm not an online communication expert, but learning to communicate naturally IRL has been a challenging skill that I have had to learn.

The fast way to become more charming is to find someone else who is charming in the way you would like to be (preferably a real person, but one you don't know personally. A celebrity's public persona is a great choice) and spend some time just acting like them, as if you're ad-libbing for a play. After a day or two, take stock of what worked, and then keep doing that.

Small talk can be gamed by pre-planning what you'll say. These conversations are rote and unimportant, if you come up with original but standard answers, you can breeze through that.

For online conversations, I follow some rules that have made things better since adopting them:
1. The 2-comment argument rule. If you wind up in an online discussion that turns into an argument, you get one 'argue' comment to lay out your point and one 'retort' comment to respond to their reply with any clarification. After that, no matter what, do not reply. This has stopped me wasting time engaging in unproductive conversations.
2. Realize that the bad thing the other person says are a reflection of them and their state of mind, not you. Hostile, inflammatory comments often amount to in-group signaling rather than anything genuine or useful. Don't engage.
3. Remember the Socrates rule. Is it good, is it true, is it useful? Satisfy at least 2 of these before you say anything. Preferably all three.

If you follow that, you won't create any online drama, and should be able to duck most of what's directed at you. You might still get steamed up about things now and again, but as long as you don't translate that into destructive action, you'll be fine. I usually make a comic about stuff that's bothering me, even if I don't usually share those. I find the effort of making a 4 panel joke about my situation tends to burn off any bad feelings I might have.

Sometimes you have to observe situations where your actions upset people and learn from that. Everyone makes mistakes but people learn not to make the same mistake over and over again.

Part of it might include reaching out or talking to someone, like a therapist.

You can tell someone "I did XYZ and someone got mad but I don't understand why." The other person could explain to you why your actions upset someone and a therapist or counselor would give you strategies of what to do if this situation pops up again.

Tho from my personal observation. I think when you are upset, you come to the forums for validation. But it seems that you are never satisfied with what people say. It makes me think that the type of communication done through forums probably doesn't suit you the best. If anything, it makes you feel worse.

Pardon the long post, I hadn't been on the forums for a minute.

I've been on planet Earth for 33 years and I still don't know the right/wrong things to say. I do believe the more you speak in real life, the better you'll be able to detect what certain people find offensive/wrong or not. I'd think of it like social experimentation, where you lean into topics and see how the initial response is. If someone doesn't like what you say, just apologize and change topics. On the internet it's far too easy to get carried away with words and type up paragraphs of stuff most people may or may not agree with. In real life, we don't talk in paragraphs, but a couple sentences at a time. We pause to let the other person put in their say, and if they disagree with you, y'all can either engage in a debate (friendly, if you know the person well) or change the subject. Apologizing isn't necessary, but it makes you look like the bigger man, in my opinion.

As far as internet drama in general, that's gonna happen no matter what. People can get angry over the stupidest little things, or big things that has nothing to do with them or out of their control. With that said, I do agree with Kyupol's statements about speaking your mind and not giving a damn sometimes. We can get away with that online. Maybe not so much in real life these days.

The reason I back the "freedom of speech" thing is because in my real life, I don't talk, like, at all. I'm an "anxious shell" of a person who apologizes too much and terrified of offending people and I do dislike myself for it. I have no confidence in speaking and that's NO WAY to live. I found that I like to feed my ego online, but not overfeed it, y'know?

I do occasionally get on a soapbox, but my goal is to motivate and practice empathy, not to persecute, rant, or try to be moralistic (though that last one does affect me from time to time). I try to balance ego with considering others, being humble, and it takes much practice. I'll sometimes info-dump and not realize what I'm saying is incorrect/wrong, or unintentionally ramble a little bit, but I'm human, and I do try to listen to all others' opinions and try to reconsider my viewpoint based on theirs. I also acknowledge that there's tons I've yet to learn. Nobody is perfect, nor ever will be.

...Didn't mean to talk so much about my personal experience, but that's kinda my jam, lol. Say what you want, acknowledge that you don't know everything and that it's okay to be wrong, and be humble if you can (but don't overly apologize to strangers you feel nothing for), and MAYBE the online or real-life toxic people will learn something from you. If not, then fuck 'em.

(PS: I missed the question about therapy, lol. I don't know of any specific therapy, but I've been in talk therapy, where you kinda have the freedom to just speak your mind and the therapist would offer an alternative view on what you've said or change the "thought" behind your words. May not help you as you expect, but possibly they could help you think more about what you say/want to say? Or maybe give you Cognitive Behavioral Training (CBT) exercises to highlight your thought/speech patterns and change them? Unless you're talking about learning empathy, and that's honestly more an experience thing, and really hard to explain/teach, least for me, which is why I said I "practice" it online. Reading other peoples' stories on their lives/past and reflecting on them is a way to start. It's not a prefect technique, but it'll open your mind up to experiences that aren't your own. I believe empathy has more to do with imagining/visualization, which not everyone can do, at least accurately - and I may be wrong on what empathy entails - but I think it's a skill worth building upon, if you can.)

I hope this helps in some way. Don't have all the answers, just beliefs/ideas...I'm still learning...

Ahh therapy... I have fun stories to share on that but even then those stories may offend.
Long story short... pissed off a therapist as well... because my world views are way too extremist even then as a young man in early 20s. I was articulating them calmly and not in an angry screaming way.

Maybe I am an alien ...

Personally, how I deal with it is identify what kind of person I am first. As humans we will always make mistakes so I try not to make the same mistakes. How I know what to say to people is minimize my words to optimize my understanding of each person, then I'll know whether I should say a lot or say nothing at all. Some people just want to talk about themselves, others might want your genuine feedback and for some you might want to steer clear from. You can't really judge someone by how they look but how they act.

Anyway, that's how I talk to people.

Sidenote, I still have issues communicating because I use wrong words from the English language sometimes. There'll be times where I'll find myself using words that are flat out wrong. It's always after the conversation that I identify these errors. At some point I thought I have tourette syndrome, of course I don't have it. Lol

This thread is gold. ^^ So many insightful comments...it's hard to know what to add.

I guess I would say: you may never 'intuit' the right and wrong decisions, but you can definitely reflect, learn and gain experience to draw from when you talk to other people.
And forums like this are a good place to do that-- my life might look very different right now if all my teenage clown-posting had been done on, say, Twitter, rather than here and the other small communities I was in.

Social interaction is a skill (yes, even on the internet), and people need safe places to learn that skill. And even though people will still argue with you and misunderstand you on forums, at least you don't have an audience of hundreds to millions just waiting to choose a side and pounce on the 'badguy'. Take full advantage of these relatively minor consequences~

I've heard people try to rationalize things this way before...and the problem with 'I don't get it; I would never get mad at someone for this' is that it's not about you. ^^; You're talking to another person, not a copy of yourself...if you want to understand why they're upset, you need to understand the way they think, not just review your understanding of the way you think.

Like, everyone learns the Golden Rule: 'treat others the way you want to be treated', but part of growing up is learning that this is more of a conceptual piece of advice, not a literal one. Even if you wouldn't mind someone talking to you or treating you a certain way, if someone else DOES mind and doesn't want you to, you still need to take that in and consider their feelings...just like you would want someone to do for you, if they treated you in a way you didn't appreciate. You would want them to try to understand why you think these words or actions aren't okay, so extend that courtesy to others.

As other people have said, knowing how to do this this can come from experience: i.e., if you inadvertently make enough people mad, theoretically you should start seeing the patterns of why they become angry:

Are they telling you not to make assumptions? Maybe you don't know as much as you think you do, and need to start asking more questions in conversations, instead of pre-emptively drawing conclusions.

Are they accusing you of wasting their time? Maybe they feel you're not listening to them, and/or asking for help that you don't actually want-- I've learned from experience that you can get rid of a lot of this by simply learning to spot people who "get it" and focus on them.
If someone offers help and seems to come really close to the answer you want, first acknowledge that (people like to be appreciated) and then ask them for their thoughts on the missing details.
If someone offers help and seems to have no idea what you're trying to ask for...they probably don't need a response from you. 9 times out of 10, trying to critique their response and 'teach' them how to help you will either offend them or waste your time.

To give one last example: are they calling you an outright bad person, or something along those lines...? They may be trying to bully you; that's always a possibility. But another large possibility to keep in mind is that you're just dismissing something or someone they care deeply about...maybe something a lot of people you aren't aware of care deeply about. This can be something big, like an ethnic/cultural concept or a historical event...or it can be something more personal, like a type of trauma or a relationship issue.

It's easy to walk into a conversation and say that these things don't matter or don't need to be considered if you haven't heard of them before...and then suddenly get hit with a firestorm of anger from people who have much deeper knowledge or a closer connection.
But the most important thing to take away from those instances, whether you feel comfortable/safe to continue the conversation or not, whether you're going to change your mind about what you said or not, is that someone cares, and that's something you need to consider going forward.

Whether it means not saying certain things to certain people, whether it means not speaking at all on certain subjects or in certain discussions, whether it means sincerely apologizing and/or trying to learn and do better...you need to change your behavior in some way.
Otherwise you'll just end up needlessly antagonizing people...and even if it's accidental, even if you're somehow not noticing or understanding the anger of the people you're talking to (which can happen...), people will assume that you're starting fights on purpose. The longer you go on assuming you'll eventually 'get it' if you keep on smashing your face into that brick wall, the fewer people you'll have left to help you when you finally decide to stop.

Like...you don't need to 'get it'. You don't have to 'naturally intuit' the art of conversation. The scientific method exists; other ways of actively learning exist. Try these different things, actually make an attempt to gather information and teach yourself how to get along with other people. Analyze people's responses to you, so you don't repeat mistakes. You should see results if you actually go after them.

...I give this kind of advice a lot (particularly to people who read neurodivergent to me), and people seem really resistant to it...I guess because it's not 'natural', and therefore it must be morally wrong?? But I don't feel that way about it. ._. Whether you learn to be friendly and interact successfully through 'intuition' or careful practice and self-training...in the end, you're still caring for people and showing consideration. Why should it matter how you get there?

I had a lot of similar problems to you when I was younger and it still pops up sometimes. In my case (and from what i've seen, many times in yours) it's not what I say, rather how I say it, that can often times seem cold, uncaring, blunt, rude or loosing track of the bigger picture, even though I did care about the main point, I just got stuck on the extra.

In my experience there is no "magic turn on niceness" way of speaking, but especially in text form reading over the message you're answering asking

• "am I focussing on the main point or just a surface detail?" (If surface detail, your answer may come off belligerent, off topic or pedantic)

• "am I asking a lot of "yes or no" questions to this person? (If so, that can sometimes come off as aggressive, like you're trying to prove the other person wrong, even when you're not)

• "am I just asking a lot of questions at once? (That can be overwhelming in online conversation and if combined with the previous points can seem very aggressive and trollish, because a lot of trolls will try and waste people's time with off-topic, disingenuine aggressive questions).

• "if I were to read this message in an angry tone, is there anything that contradicts that tone?" (This one is the one I use the most, my tone is often neutral but because the readers thought I was angry they read it in an angry tone, and nothing contradicted that impression. At first I used emojis to make sure people knew I was just being mellow, but adding stuff like conversationnal words that you would use in speech can work too, making small jokes that aren't at the expense of anyone else, and when you're being positive about someone or something don't put other things down to raise them up).

• once you have asked those questions of your reply, try and reformulate. The questions about the off-topic stuff can be axed for another time, especially if the main point is a very emotional or contentious one, but you can try and combine the yes/no questions together so there's less of them, and make some of them open questions i.e. instead of "Are you going to look up studies for autism rep for your book?" (Can come off as assuming the other person is incompetent and not going to look into it depending on tone), you could say "Hey! Just saw this, I was wondering what kind of stuff are you looking at to help with the autism rep? I'm curious to learn too!" This is longer, but establishes tone with the more conversational elements like "I was wondering" and "hey" and also establishes your intention of curiosity, not calling that person out. Trying to make sure, especially in heated scénarios, that your tone is polite and non agressive and that your benign intentions are clear can really help keep you out of hot water.

From there and 10 years of being online and being told when I seemed cold, I've gotten better. Experience will help you, but I won't lie the first few years are going to be tough and you have to learn it as a skill, not only when you're level headed and ok, but also recognise in yourself when you are not in an emotional state to do this analysis because your upset will show and make you make bad decisions.