Keiiii's Critique Booth [CLOSED]

[keii4ii]

Critique for Threnody by @yartzanaserenade

Yet another comic with good eye-catching art. Your use of colors and composition really pop, especially with sceneries and more surreal shots.

I'm not sure how much of this is helpful versus just a personal taste thing, so have your grain of salt ready.

What is this story about?

After reading everything available so far, I have no idea. The two girls at the beginning don't seem relevant to the most recent episode, and neither does the massive world history stuff. I assume the themes the girls discussed in the first episode -- the concept of evil, understanding that everyone has their own reasons for doing things, justice and punishment... -- will come back later, but so far I don't see any themes stringing all of these scenes together.

Even if you have plans to link everything together eventually, it's dangerous to spend too many pages before you provide at least some hints that yes, everything that's happened is relevant to the story as a whole. I feel like you have a good story with thought-provoking themes. It's just a matter of putting the individual elements together in a way that catches a reader's attention and holds it to the end. To be honest, this is something I've been struggling with myself in my own comic, so I understand how difficult it can be. Just don't overestimate the patience of the average reader.

Infodump

Most people will tell you to skip the infodump about the history of the world, the war of the gods, the forgotten era, etc etc. I... am one of those people. XD Your infodump episodes are beautifully illustrated, but for readers like me, that's not enough to hold my attention. I tend to just glance at the pictures and not read the text at all with scenes like those. And if that goes on for too long, beautiful art isn't enough to keep me there at all; I click my way out of the comic.

Is there any way to pepper the story with this info, instead of dumping it all at once? Like have the story with the two characters in the Yellow Shark going for a few episodes, put in some infodump interlude, resume story, put in interlude, rinse and repeat? That could become an interesting and powerful way of telling a story, especially if there are any parallels or opposites between the story episodes and the infodump interlude episodes. But without knowing how the rest of the story is going to unfold, I don't know if that's applicable to your story at all.

Speech bubbles

Why are they so tall? I'd suggest making them wide enough to accommodate at least one normal length word, such as "understand." And please, no more bubbles that
r
e
a
d

l
i
k
e

t
h
i
s
...XD;;

Names

It might help if you tweak the dialogue to name the two characters ASAP. Sometimes people forget character names and just call them "the blond," "the tall guy," etc... But providing names is one way of signifying that yes, these characters are important (on the flipside, many writers actively avoid revealing the names of throwaway characters because they don't want them to seem important). Since right now, I'm having the trouble of identifying the most important elements in the story, giving names may be a step in the right direction.

Hope that helps!

[Kamikaze]

@keii4ii I'd absolutely LOVE a critique from you sweetie! Count me still in!

[guily57]

Yes please! It would be very much apreciated, and helpfull!!

[keii4ii]

Critique for Outcast Kingdom by @williamjbowles

I'm enjoying this one a lot. I would go as far as citing Outcast Kingdom as a great example of:

• Dialogue that is concise yet natural. It's a tricky balance; some writing styles favor conciseness, and their dialogue makes me feel like I'm being told the story rather than experiencing it (it can still be a valid way of telling a story even if I'm not making it sound like one). Other comics favor natural, which is great, but sometimes feels like not every word is contributing to the story. IMO, so far, you're accomplishing both without sacrificing one or the other.

• Strategic shots. You know exactly what needs to be shown, and what doesn't. The last two panels in this episode, for example. We don't need to see the facial expressions for either character, so you've chosen an angle that doesn't include their faces. Showing their faces would have distracted from what you're trying to tell in those specific panels. At the same time, you included the human character's head and Hilda's hand; the former is important so we know it's their point of view, and the latter also serves a storytelling function.

• Character diversity, and I don't mean the kind of diversity promoted in diversity awareness programs (though that's a good type of diversity too). It's only been 10 something pages, yet I can see how distinct the four main characters are from each other. Their personalities, values, goals, mannerisms... all so different. The best part is I get the feeling that this is just the beginning, that there's more to these characters than what I have seen so far. And even the humans are starting to show their differences, too!

I would say the main weakness right now is the art. It's good enough to show different body languages and expressions, but with stronger, more polished art, this could really, really go places. Some specific suggestions:

Perspective

You draw perspective well when it's limited to a single object, or a single group of objects -- like the raft(?) in this episode or the door in this episode. But when it comes to putting together an entire three-dimensional space, like panel four in this episode or panel one in this episode, things don't match up. Bigger spaces ARE generally harder to draw in perspective, so this is understandable.

If you want to hone your perspective drawing skills, I strongly recommend drawing a bookshelf (remove all the books/items if they distract you). Sit on the floor across the room from the shelves; sit right next to it; stand right next to it; stand across the room; etc etc. Be sure you draw an actual bookshelf in front of you, not a photo of a bookshelf.

Anatomy

I think you do okay at drawing different poses from conventional angles, but you could benefit from expanding your visual library on what the body/ different body parts look like from different angles, at least the angles that are used common such as side view, 3/4 from the back, etc. The occasional worm's eye/ bird's eye looking a little wonky is relatively unimportant. If something looks off, try doing that pose in front of a full body mirror. Speaking of mirrors, get a small desktop mirror if you don't have one, and keep it in your drawing area. It's REALLY helpful to be able to look at your own hand from all sorts of angles (the mirror greatly increases the range of angles).

I noticed that you've given distinct facial features to the characters; for instance, they actually have DIFFERENT NOSES. And the body types too; Olwyn is waifish, while Hilda has noticeably more meat on her without being overweight or butch. These are great to see, and with better anatomy skills, you could really make their uniqueness shine. Weaker anatomy means sometimes, it's unclear whether something is an intentional unique trait or a mistake: e.g. does Olwyn actually have huge hands, or did the artist get the proportions wrong? (love that panel otherwise, BTW)

I see that the coloring is now done by a different artist, so I won't get too in depth into that. (it's not bad, so no need to make the colorist worry about what I said XD)

Oh and lastly, consider changing the comic icon. It's really dark, and important details are just barely visible in full size. In a smaller size (the size in Fresh feed, Popular/Trending sections) they'd be pretty much invisible. And since the comic title is almost always displayed with the icon, maybe you can remove the title and just make the picture part bigger?

Best of the luck with Outcast Kingdom! ✨

[keii4ii]

Re: The Jade Heart by @EbonyKaze

So this isn't a full critique, just a mini one. I'm having trouble following the story of the Jade Heart. I started with the first episode in chapter 3, and I have no idea what's going on. Went back a couple episodes to see if chapter 3's opening scene was a continuation from a previous scene, but couldn't find anything that connected to it. Checked out the first couple episodes of the first chapter to see if that would provide some inkling... I'm still lost.

The scene jumps are too sudden. I can't figure out how the different scenes are connected to each other, in terms of time, space, and story progression. None of the scenes I've read so far seems to have anything to do with the plot in the comic description: a girl trying to pay off her father's gambling debts and somehow discovering secrets of her city.

Can you tell me what's going on in chapter 3, so I can hopefully offer some suggestions to how to tell those events with more clarity?

[EbonyKaze]

Hi,Keii4ii!
I completely understand the confusion but it definitely wasn't intentional,I'm sorry,
but I'll gladly put up to speed.
Just,I have to explain the other 2 chapters first.

In Chapter 1: Mimi gets threatened to pay her father's (Who skipped town) debt and she fails,
however Kaori (the Mob Bass) sees potential in Mimi and forces her to work her debt off doing mob jobs instead,as part of her initiation she has to ruin a police event with her partner Tai ,It ends in a copter explosion.

In Chapter 2:Mimi died in the explosion and is sent to Limbo where she learns her father bet and lost her soul in a game of poker to Luna(A sort of grim reaper),who promises to give Mimi back her life if she agrees to do her a favor. So she does and gets revived in a seemingly random snowfield about to be dissected by 3 so-called Witches,who are attempting to summon an ancient evil entity with the help of Mimi's Jade Heart,she doesn't manage to stop them but she manages to get the Jade Heart back before being warped far away!

In chapter 3:Mimi is back in her city for the first time since the explosion that cost her life and she needs to catch up with her friends and set things straight with her boss,but something at her own funeral stalls her plans.

I hope this helps:)

[chacsan]

Hi @keii4ii, I can see your list is long, but I would really like a critique of Tavarsia if you get the time! Thanks!

(Your critiques are amazing btw.)

[keii4ii]

Alright!

Critique for The Jade Heart by @EbonyKaze

Confusion is the biggest issue here. You have very fun characters and a knack for capturing different expressions (both facial and body), but without clarity, it's hard to make them shine. Readers love mystery, but they hate to be mystified. You can't bring people to care about the story if they can't follow it.

Camera Angles

I've plugged this link before, but here it is again. The 180-degree rule!
This episode has Mimi on the left, and her sister on the right in the top row.
Then in the second row, suddenly it's her sister on the left, and Mimi on the right.
That breaks the 180 degree rule. I strongly recommend following the rule to reduce confusion. Sometimes you can get away with it, but since clarity is the most important thing here, every little bit helps.

Visual Clarity and Setup

Sometimes, the panels aren't showing me enough information to understand what's being depicted.
In this episode, for instance, you have the "blragg!!" panel. I know it's supposed to be showing the demon falling, but I only figured that out by reading the next page. It would be much better to actually show him fall -- show how he loses his balance. Show his feet stumbling backward.

Why is Mimi saying he's gonna blow -- if he wasn't gonna blow? I realize characters can be confused, too, and it's possible for someone in that situation to THINK a demon is going to blow even when that's not going to happen. But for clarity's sake, I think it's better to omit that kind of stuff. Mimi's confusion does not seem to add anything to the story.

Where did the body of water come from? Was it always there? An establishing shot of the location would have helped a lot. You know Chekhov's Gun -- if you show a gun hanging on the wall, you gotta fire it. The inverse is often true as well: to fire a gun, first you have to show it. To make a demon fall into the water, you have to show the water first, or it feels like a deux ex machina. You have to set things up.

...Unless the demon blew up and became a large body of water... in which case, you need to show that explosion/transformation.

Visual Progression

I really like what you did in Chapter 3 pages 2 & 3. You start with the shot of the entire region, then zoom into different areas, including the school exterior; then you show the school interior. The camera is basically traveling from high up in the sky, floating down into different areas of the island, to the school, and inside of the school. That's a very logical progression of location changes. So that's a positive example. ^_^

Then on page 5, I'm suddenly confused again. Where is Mimi? Where is this room with the pink floor? Why am I suddenly seeing the school exterior again? We're changing locations within the school building, so it would make more sense to use an establishing shot of the school interior (maybe the hallway just outside the classroom, or even a wide shot of the classroom). Showing the exterior between those scenes makes me feel like the character first went outside.

While we're discussing page 5, the "Shinkk!" is the sound of Mimi opening the door, right? I think it would've been helpful to actually show her opening the door. You could even combine that with the establishing shot: show the inside of the classroom, and someone (Mimi) opens the door, cutting off the teacher's line.

Fun exercise

Try turning all of your text into dingbats -- including onomatopoeia. See if your pages still make at least some sense. Get someone else to check out your dingbat pages for you if you have a hard time judging your own work (it's VERY hard for me too). If they can't tell what's going on without the text, that means you need more visual clarity.

Now, not related to clarity...

Lettering

Proofread your text! Lots of spelling/grammar issues -- "your" when it should be "you're," "use to" when it should be "used to," etc.

Also, consider using a lighter color for Mini's thought boxes? The dark green is too dark for me, and it's a little hard to read the text on it.

PLEASE consider keeping your line height consistent! It's weird to see the text all squished up sometimes, and very widely spaced out other times. Keep your font size consistent, too. Only make them bigger or smaller for shouts, whispers, etc.

I think I've covered the most important issues. I hope this has been of help to you! Feel free to discuss anything I've said.

[anakarenina]

Hi Keii!! I'm not used to critiques, but I like about your critiques how objective they are, I think I really need it, hope you still have room for more, I see you've had lots of requests.

If it's possible, I'd like you to make the critique of the last 15 pages, because I'll remake chapter 1 and (hopefully) I will only make the mistakes I'm currently making hahaha so you can just ignore the story, after all, I'm just the illustrator and all the visuals are my responsability, as well as lettering (which I think it's one of my flaws). But feel free to comment about the story, I just say that so you don't have to read the whole comic haha

Thank you very much in advance for helping so many artists! n.n

[Eaters_of_Flesh]

I'd love to get a critique, thanks 😃

[EbonyKaze]

Thanks for giving my critique another chance.:)

When I read your mini critique I felt the life crawl outta me,short as it was it said a lot.
I shouldn't have to pull the reader aside and explain it if the comic itself failed to do so.
Clarity is something I've always had a bit of trouble with,mainly I think because i know what's going on but i don't consider that the reader might not have the same conclusion about it, but I will no doubt take your advice and keep working on fixing that problem!:)

What you mentioned about Mimi saying he's gonna blow though.is a misunderstanding that shows me I should switch up my slang. What Mimi meant was he was going to throw up,that's the purple water that old man Jasper ends up in,Pixie was later going to explain that there was something tainted in his hooch that caused the transformation...
but that goes to the same problem again.

It might be the reason why many people,according to my stats, don't read past page 2,do you think I should redo or reboot it to make easier to read?,or should i continue and leave it as is to show eventual progress?

Thanks again for the critique,it was really honest and useful!

[michaudmarc]

I'd love a critique, if you have the time! My comic is called Arc29 and it's a sci-fi coming of age story.

[igneriss]

@keii4ii
yes, I still would love to get a critique C:
(and sorry for late reply ; -; )

[mjmassey]

Thanks for the critique, keiiii. It seems I have a long way to go still. How might I learn to differentiate my characters better? "Is there a good resource you can recommend?

[williamjbowles]

Thank you for giving my story a look and providing such good feedback!

I don't like to brag or anything, but I will reluctantly agree with you on the dialog. I guess fun dialog is what I like to read, so that's what I try to give to my readers.

As I have no real official training in illustration, much less in comic art, I think the thing about the strategic shots is more or less accidental. Maybe this is the kind of thing they teach in art classes, but I just draw it the way I see it in my head (or I try to, anyways).

As with dialog, I just write what I want to read-- characters that are likable, unique, inspiring, sympathetic, or in some other way fun to read about. In my opinion, characters are perhaps the most important part of most stories, so I pour out more of my heart into them than into any other part of the story.

I totally agree with you about the art, too. Even though I've been drawing most of my life, I've never had any real training in art. On top of that, I've only just started comic style drawing a year or two ago, and it is surprisingly different than concept art and doodles. Definitely my main weakness at this point, but that's why I keep going-- to learn with practice, patience, and perseverance.
Especially when it comes to perspective-- especially when it comes to geometric things like the insides of buildings. God, I was glad when they finally left town. Trees are so much more forgiving than houses and tables. Uhg. Unfortunately, I am going to have to draw the inside of that tavern again later.
Anatamy, too. I'm used to drawing character doodles and concept art, so all these new poses and such are really difficult for me. But again, I think I'm learning. I try to find reference pics for when I don't know how to draw the pose or angle I need. But even so, it's still a challenge.
Yes, character diversity is very important to me-- even nose types (In fact, one of my previous stories put a lot of emphasis on physical diversity. Characters varied between tall and short; muscular, fat, skinny, and curvy; white, black, Asian, and a racially ambiguous protagonist whose exact ethnic background even I do not know. It was a super hero story, and it was a bit of a light-hearted satire on the comics industry standard of making all heroes 'physically perfect'.)
Oh, and she is supposed to have rather small hands, but sometimes I make mistakes when inking, and I don't realize.

I rather wish you had something to say about the coloring. It may be done by a different person, but she's doing a really good job-- better than I did-- and she's a part of this, too. But she didn't ask for a critique, so I suppose your discretion is appropriate.

Yeah, I've been meaning to do a new icon. It was basically just a temporary one until I got around to putting more effort into a more permanent one.

Again, thanks a ton for the critique! I'll try to keep this in mind as I continue on with this story.
: D

[monotone_ink]

Hello, would really appreciate a critique on Shade.
I'm planning to rewrite and redraw the first chapter and portions of the second chapter during the holiday I'm in at the moment. Some critique on the art would be nice, but focus on the story telling, dialogue, and writing in general would be really appreciated (because looking back at it, it's not very great.)
Some tips on foreshadowing would be pretty great too, because I need to learn how to use it effectively.

I wanted to start it off normally and present it as an action story, which slowly becomes much darker as you uncover things about the main character, his situation, and the other characters too.

[minutewatcher]

Could you review my comic Graves at thegravescomic.com/comic

[chanalli]

I would like a review, since I still have time in case I would have to make future changes.....
My comic is 2 Leaf Clover.

[keii4ii]

OP here. Sorry guys, I'm going to have to ask the mods to CLOSE this topic as I can no longer edit the first post for important announcements, new rules, etc. I will make a new one when I can.

[PotooGryphon]