Keiiii's Critique Booth [CLOSED]

[keii4ii]

Critique on Reus by @Cielle:

First Impression

I think your comic is trying to do the same thing that mine is: balance the silly chibis and the more serious plot. Instant camaraderie right there! <3 While some people don't like that combination, I know for fact that it can be done very successfully, my favorite example being Fullmetal Alchemist.

Unless the comic is going to be primarily comedy, however, it's important to treat the main goal of the main character seriously. The last panel on page 2 feels jarring to me because the vigilante thing seems like a big deal in the plot right now, yet it's not being treated seriously. You might want to cut back on the zany-ness a bit in such cases.

Extra Explantions

The other comedic thing that I think you should cut back on is the extraneous explanations, such as the "ended up telling him anyway" on page 9. Korean comics do this a LOT. They often get away with it by using a different, zany, truncated form of conjugation on the verb; they also use a cutesy handwritten font for those, while the rest of their text is usually Arial-y or Times New Roman-y.

To be honest, I have yet to see it work in an English comic. In my opinion, you really don't want to add more text. You want the pictures to do the heavy lifting. The "ended up telling him anyway" is definitely a silly, unreasonable thing that she's doing; highlight that with the visuals, not with text. Use a silly, abstract background. Exaggerate her body language. etc etc. There are so many things you can do with the visuals, and you do utilize it in many other panels. But when you make the text do the job instead, the result feels stilted to me.

Angles

I like how you keep changing the angle to keep things visually interesting in pages 9-15. Especially that slight worm's eye view in the first panel on page 12. Because there are only two characters, and they're both sitting in the same place throughout the entire scene, it doesn't get too confusing. But if there had been more characters, or if one of the characters were to start moving around, this could get confusing. Here's a simple rule that can help with that. It's not really necessary for this scene, but it might come in handy in the future. Note that you can still change the angle quite a bit while following that rule.

Visuals VS (Con)Text

The main character's behavior on page 13 struck me as bizarre. She's been acting impulsive and impatient all along, so it should not be surprising that she slips up and reveals what she's trying to do (find the vigilante)... yet it IS surprising. I think it's her expressions and the overall tone throughout that specific page. Both her facial expressions and body language are calm and calculating on that page. Why? And nothing silly going on in the background, either (unlike some panels that had floating sandwiches, etc). The final line being in a big font across solid black also makes it seem like a very serious, calculated thing. But that doesn't seem right. Given the context, her revealing this to him at this point seems like a huge mistake born of her impulsive nature, yet all the visuals on that page say otherwise. So which is it?

Text/ Speech Bubbles

I can see what they mean. You've definitely gotten better at it, but even the newer pages are a bit problematic. Here, try this:

1. Open a new file for a new page.

2. Before you draw anything on it, just type out all the dialogue. Move the text around as to determine where the speech bubbles will go. You can tweak this after the art is done, but try to figure out the gist of the text placement during this step.

3. Change ALL of the text font to some kind of a dingbat or a foreign language font. This will render the text illegible, while the placement remains the same.

4. Take a look at what you've got. See if you can figure out the correct order in which the text is supposed to be read.

Can you figure it out? Instantly? After trying a little, at least?

If it's really hard to figure it out, rearrange the text placement to make it clearer. Keep doing this until the order becomes clear without the help of any other visual element and/or the context.

Phew. Hope that helps!

PS. If you feel the very first page is unnecessary, my suggestion would be to remove it entirely and just put a cool cover image. I took a glance at it, and it's got a lot of text, which might end up scaring away potential new readers!

[keii4ii]

What if the comic has already been reviewed by you Keii-san?

I can always give it another go, especially if you have new pages that I didn't critique last time. I might repeat myself a little, though, so there's that.

And no need for the -san

[lastpizzaslice1]

I only have 7 episodes but I would like to get a critique please :3 here is my comic http://tapastic.com/series/The-Last-Pizza-Slice. I have been told that my drawing style is cute and the situations are relatable. I have also been told that my comics are quite long.
PS: I have been working on drawing my comics with shadows. The next episode( will be released next friday) will have shadows and better backgrounds.
Here is one panel of my next comic

[abigailkbacilla]

If you have the time, I'd love you to critique my ongoing comic comic Commander Princess Maisie

BE BRUTALLY HONEST because I'm going to be editing the prologue and previous pages soon so I can put this in my portfolio for school!

[abigailkbacilla]

Also I've mainly gotten criticisms on my backgrounds, but I would really appreciate specifics on what I can change about the backgrounds to make them better.

[Cairas]

my book is Fugitve, Some things I have been told to work on is going slower and explaining things better and how i pose my characters (I guess they look kind of weird in some panels). This is all character development so far so I don't want to spend too long explaining everything just yet, so it may be a slight bit confusing. I'm also updating some of the old art, so it may be a little inconsistant depending on when you look at it lmao. Ok I'm done making excuses for why it may or may not suck

[Zannen00]

Oh, Awesome! Could you have another go then for my comic IMAGICA=verse?

Specifically, the latest episode (its only 7 pages long). I'm not sure what, but somethings off. Was it the pacing?
Perspective (okay I suck at that.) Dialog? I hope someone with experience in comic can see what I do wrong. :/

[Cielle]

wow! Thank you for such a quick and thorough critique! That's some of the most helpful advice I've ever gotten (seriously). I'll try your suggestion with the speech bubbles/text. speech bubble placement is something I've been trying to work on, and will continue trying to perfect >.< as for the extra explanations, I was partially inspired by korean comics to try it, but I think it's also an insecurity that my visuals aren't enough. Since I'm new to comics, I always think "will the readers get it? Is it clear enough?" it seems clear to me because I know what it's supposed to be, but part of me is compelled to explain it just in case. But I'll try to stop doing that and trust myself a little more lol.

as for Max's strange behavior, my hope is that once chapter 1 is finished, her actions will make sense. She definitely is impulsive, but that's not to say she doesn't have a plan. Here's the spoiler explanation (skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to know lol): Max thinks the guy she's talking to (Rei) is the vigilante, so she thinks he already knows everything she's telling him and is just obfuscating stupidity. Admittedly, it's not a very good plan on her behalf, but then again she's not very experienced when it comes to detective work. Long story short, her behavior should be puzzling lol.

The comic will get more serious as it progresses, but I will try to reel in the zany-ness a bit haha. Part of the reason I kept the first prologue is because it sets the tone for the series overall. It lays the foundation for important things that will happen later. I was/am a bit worried that all the text will scare people away, but I guess it's a gamble I'm willing to take. If it seems to be a problem, though, perhaps I'll move it to a later part of the story.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read and review my comic! It really means a lot to me!

[ratique]

Oh god... I am quite scared, but sure, critiques are always helpful. Since you are going over only 15 pages it does not matter that my chapter is not quite finished yet either.

So if you have a minute, please go over Devil's Acres. Choose whichever pages you want to read, I have no preference.

Thank you!

[keii4ii]

I'd say your series is a gag-a-day, which I can't really critique. The biggest thing I could have mentioned seems to be fixed in the more recent episodes, which was the inconsistent font size.

The only other suggestion I would make is getting more out of your line weight. It's okay to not change the line thickness within a single line, but some lines could be thicker than others. You can play with this to really convey the sense of distance among other things.

[ErithEl]

I'm always down for critiques to see how I can improve! Here's a link to my comic from the beginning: Burning Bright Chapter 1 or you could start here Chapter 2 after it's gotten a little more exciting! Either one works.

I did receive a very helpful review before, but there isn't anything I'd say stay away from mentioning, since I'm curious to see what others notice when they read my comic.

Once you've critiqued everyone who has already "signed up" I'd be really happy if you got around to mine because I love Heart of Keol, and would really value your opinion on this!

[keii4ii]

I'm glad my critique was helpful!

my hope is that once chapter 1 is finished, her actions will make sense. Long story short, her behavior should be puzzling

There are two kinds of weirdness in fiction: one that confuses people (and makes them lose interest), and one that piques their curiosity (and makes them more interested). I think the scene in question falls somewhere in between the two. About piquing their curiosity, here is one of the most helpful things I have ever read anywhere about fiction writing:

Suspense is not created by keeping secrets from the audience. It's created by telling the audience everything...except how events will turn out.

Replace "suspense" with "mystery" or "interest," etc. It's such an awesome quote, I won't bog it down by making further suggestions on how to apply it to this specific scene. Chew on it, digest it and absorb it into your storytelling.

[keii4ii]

Critique for Time Gate: Reaper by @UzukiCheverie

This one is difficult for me to critique because I'm not your target audience. The setting and the characters -- they're just not in my taste range, which is not a bad thing, objectively. I'll do my best, but I'm not sure how much of this is just taste issue VS actual problems you may want to address, especially in the writing department.

Art-wise, you're doing fine. You have a knack for creating an intuitive visual flow. I didn't even know your comic was to be read right to left, but looking at your pages, they just led my eyes in the correct direction.

The only two issues I have:
1) Sometimes it's hard to tell the characters apart. I have to actively look for their distinctive traits, such as the hat or that one tied lock of hair. This isn't too bad with Uzuki, as her facial scar is pretty prominent, but it's a bit of an issue for the others.

2) Almost all the panels are drawn from an eye level angle. I took a look at more recent pages to see if this has been improved, but not really. Mix it up a bit! Give those bird's eye and worm's eye some love. Not only do they make things visually interesting, they can really reinforce the mood/impact.

And not really an issue per say, but 3) have you considered using more contrast? There's a lot of flat space (both white and black... sometimes grey) in your pages. You don't necessarily have to add grey shading, but using the line weight to hint at the lighting and the volume more may enhance the visuals.

Writing and story... let's see.

I've not yet been given any reasons to like Uzuki. The one thing I find interesting about her is the mystery of "why does she antagonize everyone?" She sees herself as some sort of a victim of the society, i.e. the last panel on this page. Being average and being the lowest are logically not the same, so there is a contradiction, which creates an interest for me. And not "liking" the main character is okay, as long as one finds them "interesting."

Problem is, that one thing I find interesting about her? I'm not sure if that will ever be explored on a deep level, or if it's just "well, that's the way she is" or even "she's just going through that bratty teenager phase." Two things make me think it won't really be explored deeply:

1) We do not get to see the consequences of her hitting that one girl to the point of injury. Did she get away with it scot free, despite being disliked (apparently) by many? Or maybe she's not as disliked as she claims -- which can be interesting in its own right. But no, the comic just skips right to the lunch break. Doesn't mean I want to see her sitting on her butt for two pages straight while being held up in the principal's office, of course. But I really would have liked some indication of consequence.

2) The last panel on this page. The text is quite poignant, even if Uzuki herself doesn't realize it. But the visuals (the swirly, bubbly background, the happy smiles and relaxed body language) are telling me that it's actually a heartwarming aspect of her character -- AND that the story treats it as such.

Right now, I can imagine her impulsive nature becoming a serious problem in the story at some point down the road, or maybe even at multiple points. And that's good! However, it's much harder to imagine her antisocial attitude causing any serious problems. I get the feeling the story is just gonna keep handwaving it. The story seems treat her external issues seriously (such as the threat from the non-human girl), but her internal issues, not so much. I might be wrong, but that's the impression the comic is giving me so far, which may indicate a problem.

Oh! And this early page? It's all right, but I think the bottom panel is a huge missed opportunity. At that point, him being popular among the girls is kind of a no brainer. Instead of stating the obvious, why not use it to provide a fun twist, like "and I hate his guts."? This would have also provided a smoother transition onto beginning of the next page.

[keii4ii]

Sorry, not critiquing gag-a-days. I will say one thing, though: you have a font that's both unusual AND fits your comic very well. Font is one of those things that may seem unimportant as long as it's legible, but the right font can really enhance a comic!

[punkarsenic]

hey could you check out breakout?

ive never had much critique, but after being told to work on building up the world that its based in i worked harder on that from the end of ch1 onwards.

[UzukiCheverie]

Thanks for your informative post! I know it must have been a bit trickier for you to review because, as you said already, you're not really in the target audience of Time Gate, but I appreciate you taking the time nonetheless.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna address some of the things you pointed out, as some of these things I feel need a bit of justification so we can get an understanding of it from both ends.

1) Sometimes it's hard to tell the characters apart. I have to actively look for their distinctive traits, such as the hat or that one tied lock of hair. This isn't too bad with Uzuki, as her facial scar is pretty prominent, but it's a bit of an issue for the others.

I had a feeling you'd point this out, and yes, that does mean I'm aware it's a problem, especially between characters like Mitsuhiro, Mikumi, and later on, Chiyo xD

Artistically, the comic does improve to some extent, and I've started to build more differences between characters like Mitsuhiro and Mikumi (you should check out the newest page when it updates, Mikumi has the chiseled jaw of a titan o___o). Their real differences don't start to build up until later on in the story (when some of them go through rather . . . extreme physical changes), but I'm still definitely working on differentiating between characters that look the same in the future, and I'm hoping to find a simple solution to this problem somehow. Thanks!

2) Almost all the panels are drawn from an eye level angle. I took a look at more recent pages to see if this has been improved, but not really. Mix it up a bit! Give those bird's eye and worm's eye some love. Not only do they make things visually interesting, they can really reinforce the mood/impact.

I guess because you've only read the first 15 or so pages (I'm assuming), I'll let you know that we do experiment with these angles a bit in the story. Not to an excessive extent, but where it's appropriate. I actually just released a page like this yesterday x3 I don't do them a lot; just kinda save them for all the more aggressive, action-filled pages. I'll try and diversify my panel viewpoints a bit more though, thanks!

And not really an issue per say, but 3) have you considered using more contrast? There's a lot of flat space (both white and black... sometimes grey) in your pages. You don't necessarily have to add grey shading, but using the line weight to hint at the lighting and the volume more may enhance the visuals.

Yes, this is something that I'm going to be fixing after Volume 1 is finished! I'm kinda just working away at finishing up Volume 1's pages, because I'm planning on getting it printed in the near future, and then I'll be going back, fixing up mistakes I made, and this also includes adding tones to more places and experimenting with that. Once I get it to a point that I'm satisfied with, I'll be able to take what I learned from doing that stuff in Volume 1 and do it in Volume 2 the first time around (:

---

The next part about Uzuki's personality, I'm going to reply to what you said here because I feel I can answer it best (without spoiling it for anyone, hopefully haha):

Right now, I can imagine her impulsive nature becoming a serious problem in the story at some point down the road, or maybe even at multiple points. And that's good! However, it's much harder to imagine her antisocial attitude causing any serious problems. I get the feeling the story is just gonna keep handwaving it. The story seems treat her external issues seriously (such as the threat from the non-human girl), but her internal issues, not so much. I might be wrong, but that's the impression the comic is giving me so far, which may indicate a problem.

Overall, the pacing I have to use for the story is tricky, mainly because I'm updating it daily, so sometimes the story ends up at a crawl, but I'm also going to be offering the comics as physical books in the future. There's a lot of shit that goes down in Time Gate, a lot of it being foreshadowing and predetermined stuff, so I have to plan how I want all those things to be laid out and pace the story accordingly, in a way that's at a good pace that people don't get impatient with the daily updates, but not TOO much that the reader feels overwhelmed.

And one of these cases does just so happen to be Uzuki's personality, the reasons for her antisocial tendencies, and even the reasons why people make fun of her and why she has to sneak into Saichi's house through his basement just to see him after school. Everything does get explained, it just can't be explained in the first 15 pages of the story because it all stems from her own past and experiences as a child, and trying to stuff that into the first chapter would just be overwhelming as hell xD

So yes, if it puts your worries to rest over this, we do explore Uzuki's past a lot more in future chapters, why she acts the way she does, and why she sometimes gets away with the things she does (she does face many consequences for her actions in the future though, I just didn't want to open the chapter with Uzuki sitting in the principal's office for five pages; and there's even a reason for why she's able to get away with THAT, explained later). I'm not gonna defend it to the death though because yes, first impressions are important, and yes, she has NOTHING to like about her at first. It (in my opinion) gets better though, and we do get some light shed on the situation in the future (: (the pain and turmoil of doing monthly chapters instead of weekly! argh)

Oh! And this early page? It's all right, but I think the bottom panel is a huge missed opportunity. At that point, him being popular among the girls is kind of a no brainer. Instead of stating the obvious, why not use it to provide a fun twist, like "and I hate his guts."? This would have also provided a smoother transition onto beginning of the next page.

gaaah the opening of page 2 was basically trying to do what you just explained, guess I didn't do it as well as I thought xD The original text from the original novel version of Time Gate went along the same lines, but ended with "It's disgusting!" rather than "I hate his guts". So yes, you're thinking along the same train of thought I had when I made it, I guess I just didn't execute it as well as I thought

Thanks a bunch keiiii! Overall, I agree with a lot of the things you've said and there are things you pointed out that - if they weren't already on my list of things to improve in future chapters - they're definitely on the list to improve now. You made a fair review, and I appreciate you taking the time to do so Thank you! <3

[winglesscomic]

Hey yooo Keiiii I'd be grateful if you would take the time to read through my third chapter here!! I've been told my first two chapters are piece of shit trash and that my comic sucks dogshit but I got a writer for my third chapter and I wanted to see what you thought! Thanks if you can!

[EbonyKaze]

HI! If you have time would please critique my comic The Jade Heart,
Wherever you decide to read from is ok.
I'd greatly appreciate it! Thanks for your time.:)

[blastryoku]

I'm a delicate butterfly for critiques but here goes shivers
Keiiii, I would be very grateful if you could critique my comic curse lineage.

[keii4ii]

Everything does get explained, it just can't be explained in the first 15 pages

Absolutely. The first 15-20 pages should, however, make the reader FEEL like there will eventually be an explanation. You make the readers curious about something, and you make them wait for the answers. Hard to make them wait if they think the answers won't ever come.

One of my old favorite authors actually pulled this stunt with one of her comics. It started out as a high school slice-of-life comedy; nothing serious ever seemed to happen. Then much, much later, THINGS got revealed, and it turned out she'd been dropping TONS of hints earlier, often disguised as throwaway jokes or unimportant matters. In the process, the comic switched its genre and became a full blown drama-romance-tragedy with a driving overarching plot and almost no jokes. No one had seen it coming. NO ONE.

That worked out because:

1) It was a Korean comic. Serious drama-romance-tragedy is an extremely popular genre over there, so the change was well-received; it did not alienate existing readers like "wtf this isn't funny anymore, why did they have to change it?"

2) Like many other Korean comics of that era, it was serialized in a monthly anthology magazine. People who weren't into slice-of-life comedy may not have followed it on its own, but because it came with the magazine they bought, they gave it a read.

3) Her style was super pretty/girly. It was soft, delicate and sparkly, like a drop of dew upon a soft feather. It's more suited for drama-romance than pure comedy, so even though the writing didn't tell you it was going to get serious, the art kiiiiind of did.

While 1) and 2) are irrelevant/ unhelpful here, 3) is interesting. I wonder if there are some subtle changes you can make to make the first 20 pages not seem like they're handwaving everything. (The only serious thing that I felt I was gonna get an explanation for was Mitsuhiro's warnings.) I bring this up because you said you plan on going back and fixing some stuff. Not a style change, obviously, but something subtle -- e.g. replacing a chibi with a normal drawing in one of the panels. That's just an example, not an actual, specific suggestion. Something to think about if you are interested in expanding your audience to include people like me.