Jan 6
3 / 3
Jan 7
Jan 7
diestreve319
Jan 6
4

Hi guys, I am looking for feedback on my blurbs.
Which version is the better one?

Original blurb:

Spending time at the beach, soaking in night swims, sharing secret meet-ups with friends, and cherishing the boy who had always captured her heart—Ariety had known since she was fourteen that Keith was the boy she would always love.

Keith, who was kind, soft-hearted, loved animals and nature, and wasn’t afraid to be different.

But one day, Keith vanished without a trace, leaving Ariety heartbroken.

Years passed, and now, in her senior year, a boy who resembled Keith in so many ways appeared.

She knew in her heart that the new kid who introduced himself as Ocean was none other than Keith.

But Ocean was so different from the Keith she once knew and loved. Ocean was far from kind—he was loud, too carefree, and cared deeply about what others thought.

Still, Ariety couldn’t help but be drawn to Ocean, just as she had been to Keith, falling for him just as hard as she had for the boy who was lost to her universe forever.

Is Ocean really Keith?

Or is she just chasing after a boy who will never return, forever unseen in the vast Milky Way and galaxies far beyond her reach?

New blurb:

Spending summers at the beach, sneaking midnight swims, sharing secret meet-ups with friends, and cherishing the boy who had always held her heart—Ariety had known since she was fourteen that Keith was the one she would always love.

Keith, the kind-hearted boy who loved animals, nature, and wasn’t afraid to be different.

But one day, Keith disappeared without a trace, leaving Ariety lost and heartbroken.

Years went by, and now, in her senior year, a boy who is hauntingly familiar to Keith has appeared.

She knows in her heart that the new kid, Ocean, is none other than the boy she once loved.

But Ocean is nothing like the Keith she remembers. He’s loud, carefree, and cares too much about fitting in—far from the sweet, gentle boy she once knew.

Yet, Ariety can’t help but be drawn to him, falling for him just as hard as she did for the boy who vanished from her life, away from her universe.

Is Ocean really Keith?

Or is she chasing a boy who will never return, lost forever in the vast Milky Way and galaxies beyond her reach?

  • created

    Jan 6

  • last reply

    Jan 7
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Vassia
Jan 6

The second blurb is way better. It has much more diverse sentence structure and less word repetition which makes it way easier and more interesting to read. Plus there's something about the first blurb that irks me grammaticaly in the first few sentences. Something comma splicey but I'm not very good with those so I can't really pin point it...