I say take a look at your dialogue. Read the sentences out loud and ask yourself ways they can be better. Do they sound natural? Are they necessary to further the plot? The tension in the first scene could be heightened without the internal dialogue that Lagara has with himself about who's at the door, since you can say a lot in single panels.
I also say that you should take your time fleshing out the interactions between characters. So far they're fun and say a lot about their relationships - but you could add another layer of depth by taking them in another direction.
So my biggest gripe is that I'm not invested in the characters.
We don't really get a glimpse of the relationships between these characters, their chemistry together, particularly between Lagara and James, or between Lagara and Connie. And up to the point I've read, I'm not really fond of any of them? Like I'm neutral on Lagara since we don't see much of him, but James and Connie just come off as catty to me without much charm to back it up.
Also some of the dialogue is a bit on the nose.
Like the kidnapper saying, "Well. I'd say this is the easiest kidnap I've ever had so far."
It would sound a bit more natural if they went. "Pssh. Easiest job to date." ('job' meaning this particular instance, assuming they've had other contract 'jobs' before)
I dunno why it never crossed my mind to ask those kinds of questions. I normally play a scene or two out out loud but I don’t think I’ve done that at all for this script lol maybe that’s what’s bugging me.. Happy to hear you think they’re fun too though!
@joannekwan oh oops, I didn’t mean for James to come off as catty... After reading what you said about the dialogue though, I do like what you said more than what I put.
Yeah, it's fine. It's a early reply for me. It's morning over here in KS. You should put a background on your characters. Give us something to make us care. A lot of people would want to connect with your story in some fashion, so address it. XD, being a writer takes time, passion, compassion and empathy but connections between your characters and that audience would exceed well beyond your life span. So foster it, nuture it and it will be what you want.
Oh I have a background for everyone but I’m not really sure where to have them mention them.. I did plan to have James mention in the car ride back home to Lagara that he was a spy on his home planet but that’s about it.. You’re not kidding though when you say being a writer takes time, I never thought writing a script would take this long but I know it’ll all be worth it! I’ll make sure to nurture it! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ
I edited my script some and I added a bit more to it! (also I don't think I said thank you for the feedback so thanks everyone on the feedback!)
Honestly after reading back while I was editing I can see how you thought James was catty @joannekwan lol hopefully he doesn't read that way anymore
I’ve run into another issue..I’m not very good at writing high energy scenes like a shoot out and now I’m stuck.. Also I thought about it and I’m not too sure if I fixed the pacing issue either? I feel like I haven’t...
@GamerPrincessXI @Seaby what do you guys think? I’m sorry if I’m annoying _(:3 」∠)
You aren't annoying. You're still learning. What seems to be the issue? My best guess: https://www.google.com/search?safe=active&rlz=1C1GGRV_enUS754US754&ei=PQRsXa7wEsrStAWE077QBQ&q=old+westerns&oq=old+westerns&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0l10.13506.30413..30900...8.0..0.94.1261.19......0....1..gws-wiz.....6..0i308i154i357j0i131j0i67.1O1-WFIfSo0&ved=0ahUKEwjugsKdl7DkAhVKKa0KHYSpD1oQ4dUDCAo&uact=53
Watch some old westerns on how the write a shoot out. Most people quote movie refs or watch Law & Order, Chicago PD. Stuff like that.
Action scenes need a feeling of immediacy. Try to make it more emotional. What is the purpose of the shoot out? How do the characters feel? What are their responses, and what are the immediate consequences? (I'm lost as to whether this is becoming a novel or comic - comic, right?)
Pacing is also pretty subjective, but try to ease into scenes where you want the readers to connect and understand the world, and when you finally get into the more intense scenes you can drop them in and surprise the reader. It all depends on what is important to the overall narrative. This seems to be a thriller, and those need to be high in tension to be engaging.
Lol yeah it’s a comic. I guess just wanna make sure whoever reads the script has an idea of what I have in mind but honestly I kinda felt like I was writing more a novel than a script too.
I never thought about what was important.. I mean, I planned for the rest of the story to focus on James and Lagara’s relationship and I didn’t plan for another shootout to happen (that’s for a different story). If anything the only other big conflict would be between Lagara and Connie but that’s it.
Script writing comes in steps.
First step: Find out how many Acts do you want. Acts are like if you've ever seen a stage play. Usually there's three of them. Act one is the beginning... there's a break between...called Intermission. Act two is the middle also known as the heart of the action or drama. Finally Act Three is closing or wrapping up of the story and what happens to the characters and all that.
Every movie follows this template. Same for TV and webcomics. Webcomics however differ in nature because it's more of an ongoing story. The Simpsons doesn't follow this template because well, it's just not easy being thirty plus years on TV. So most TV shows follow this.
I've always wanted to write a TV show. I sent my script to two people who were in the industry and nothing came of it. I even sent it to two animation studios. Nothing came of it. I don't get discouraged... I just keep writing and I would like to help you do the same.
I guess I have 3 acts and a intermission? Act 1 being the kidnapping, the intermission being Lagara and James going home, act 2 being Lagara confronting Connie and and 3 being what happens after.. and that’s it.
I hope your tv show gets picked up soon! (I also wish I had the same mindset as you..)
Hahahaha, I don't think it will happen anytime soon. But thank you for your lovely statement. I think you should lay it out like this.
Act One
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
...etc
BTW, scenes are basically like where you want the setting to be. Include character dialogue with it and you're good to go.
That's is my series I wrote like a year ago. I didn't follow that template because I wasn't into at the time. XD
I was sitting around wondering if I’m even on the right track with my story, like, are James and Lagara interesting? Would their story hold up against the other 2 I have planned? Because I feel like their story would end up lacking somehow.. As much as I love all my boys (and girls, but mostly my boys lol), I want you all to love them too! Well, maybe not love them but I want them to be liked or relatable at least.
What do you guys think?
I found a good break down of the 3 act structure that may help
ACT 1 — THE BEGINNING
STORY ELEMENTS
SCENE OR CHAPTER IDEAS
Opening Scene
Sets the tone for the story and introduces the protagonist.
Setup
Scenes that introduce the world & supporting characters, and also hint at changes to come.
Inciting Incident
The surprise moment that turns the protagonist’s world upside down and kicks off the main plot.
Call to Action
How do the characters react to the inciting incident? What choice must the protagonist make?
ACT II, PART 1 — THE MIDDLE
STORY ELEMENTS
SCENE OR CHAPTER IDEAS
The Choice
How does the protagonist decide to deal with the problem? What are the stakes?
Rising Action / Mounting Problems
Troubles mount as the conflict kicks into high gear. What keeps the protagonist going?
Midpoint / Reversal
A surprise event that wrecks the plan and raises the stakes, often after a temporary triumph.
ACT II, PART 2 — AFTER THE REVERSAL
STORY ELEMENTS
SCENE OR CHAPTER IDEAS
More Troubles
There is fallout from the midpoint, continuing the conflict as problems pile up.
Disaster
A moment when everything goes wrong and the goal appears impossible to achieve.
Turning Point
New ideas or fresh inspiration offer hope and set up the story’s final act.
ACT III — RESOLUTION
STORY ELEMENTS
SCENE OR CHAPTER IDEAS
Plan / Resolve
All the pieces are moved into place for the finale. Subplots tie together and the stakes reach a peak.
Climax
The protagonist comes face to face with the antagonist or main obstacle and is victorious… or fails.
Denouement
After the climax, the protagonist and/or world have changed. A final scene provides closure to the story.
I’ve been thinking about this structure thing ever since you posted it and I was wondering... How do I fit my story into this structure?
Oh, also I wrote some more, but now I’m starting to get the feeling that James and Lagara are talking too much but at the same time, what they’re saying is important? This whole script has me lost now