1 / 5
Feb 2022
25 days later
  • I liked how the greys were just there and everyone treated it like it wasn't out of the ordinary. Also, I thought it was funny how the greys just did stuff seemingly for the hell of it.

  • I didn't get why the greys decided to spare the salesman, while they wiped the floor with everyone else.

  • I'm not all too sure how we were supposed to feel about the business owner. She gets extorted, but she also placed the greys in indentured servitude. They got her in trouble for illegal dumping, but they weren't being paid well to begin with. Speaking of which, why did the greys care about how the boss felt?

  • Is the story is complete? I'm assuming it is.

Overall: 6/10

To its credit, the story is interesting enough to make me want to know more but as fsarbolaez kinda points out it does have the feeling of a rough unfinished work. It kinda just feels more like an outline to a story than a full-fledged story.

  • I agree, it is really neat how the greys are just kinda there and they don't seem out of place, but also because of this I do have a criticism I'll get into later.

    • the writing itself is a bit choppy and feels a bit sporadic which can make it difficult to follow.

    • I'm hesitant to call this a misanthropic work, the story and work itself don't come off as misanthropic, but I would say that the narrator (or just writer in this case) definitely is and seems to be projecting that mostly in environmental descriptions.

    • this leads to my last critique that the story is alot of telling without showing. Actions are just done; environments are simply and directly described. It would have been nice to see the relationships between the greys and humans illustrated through dialogue for example and would have made interactions such as with the fat man more meaningful. Additionally, this method greatly hampers any message you may be wanting to send. Constantly saying things like the people of this city are soulless and apathetic across as shallow and pedantic as the story itself provides little way of backing it up either in the plot or worldbuilding itself.

Hope this helps with your writing journey. Don't give up, I know I've written some real stinkers too.

Thanks for reading my story and giving critique. It is much appreciated.

While the writing is admittedly amateur, as long as you guys were entertained, I am happy.

This story, and my other one, were supposed to be comics initially.

1 month later

closed Apr 21, '22

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.