THIRD UPDATE! (Replies 12-18)
The Aphuanian Tales @hippieghost
-Very nice âfantasy weavingâ in that first paragraph. Yâknow, that thing authors do when they very subtly let you know this isnât the real world with one little detail?
-Good dialogue~
=Overall, ok. The protag has a relatable quality, although she does read a little over-dramaticâŠI have this feeling like she was meant to be animated, not read. ^^;
The writing is good, and honestly feels just shy of professional workâŠI think maybe with a little editing to smooth out the rough spots (for instance, the sisterâs and brotherâs ways of speaking clash really severely, and itâs hard to tell, at least right now, whether thatâs intentional or if thatâs just the only way you know how to write calm/hotheaded personalities), it could definitely get there.
Hands Held in the Snow @thedude3445
-As someone ace-leaning, I couldnât help but feel like this line:
âWhat? YouâŠOh. No, me loving you at first sight doesnât count, since Iâm your grandmother. Iâm talking about the romantic kind of love. That kind of love where two people create real magic together.â
âŠWas a littleâŠlike âwow, reallyâ yâknow? =/ I donât mean to spook you or anything, it came off as pretty innocuous at first glance, but Iâd be lying if I said it didnât read unnecessarily dismissive of platonic love.
=Overall, I think the writing is good, but it lacks flow. Itâs very subtle, but it feels like some constant âsomethingâ is preventing me from really sinking into the world of this book.
I think it may just be that it needs some editingâŠlike this line: âAnd those two pairs of eyes met, and stopped on each otherâs faces.â
Obviously, the problem is that subject=eyes, and eyes donât have faces. ^^; But before you even figure that out, the inherent awkwardness of the line immediately breaks immersion. And there are lines like this all overâŠ
Basically, youâre really close to a very professional-sounding narrative style, but unfortunately itâs kind of uncanny-valley close. ^^;
Heaven Hunters @TedGravesArt
-I gotta say, when I saw that detailed cover art the very first thing I thought was âoh boyâŠthis comic is only gonna update once in a blue moon, isnât it?â Which was only confirmed by the gap between the 1st and 2nd updates...
Donât take this as a criticism; itâs literally just a reactionâŠbut I think itâs definitely something you should be aware of. The length of each episode more than makes up for the delay (in fact, I think 4-ish months is kinda fast for that volume of work) but any experienced webcomic reader WILL look at these things and understandably think âthis comic could get canceled at any momentâ. We learn from experienceâŠ
Also, theyâre definitely going to struggle with remembering detailsâŠmy memory gets fuzzy just trying to keep up with monthly manga updates. So if your eps have a lot of continuity between them, just keep that in mind.
-THAT ANGEL DESIGN IS SICK
Dammit, Iâm hookedâŠthis is exactly how the Stormtroopers got me into Star WarsâŠ
=So I donât have much to say. Your work is really clean and professional, and the action scenes are particularly delightful. Even though I kinda just barely skimmed it, I can tell Issue #2 is even better than Issue #1 in this respect. ^^
The dialogue is also very niceâŠit does feel a little comic-corny, but with enough gravity that you can take these multicolored demons seriously. I look forward to giving this a more attentive read later on~.
Post-Apocalyptic Introductions @Pony_wearing_a_hat
-So it feels like this is another one where the writing is really close to sounding professional, but itâs just a bit offâŠI recommend you get an editor; you have a good style but it needs work.
-Did you also hear that advice about doing super short updates super fast (it looks like you do a page a day, every day)? I hope it works better for you than it did for me (:(âŠ) but I think you should also remember to make your updates feel complete. So far they seem to just stop right in the middle of thingsâŠit works when read all at once, but the majority of your readers will be following along daily in real time, and if all theyâre going to get for the day is a couple dozen words, you want to leave them with a good sense of intro->event->conclusion/cliffhanger.
-It kinda feels like all the characters are justâŠyelling at each other? Like, I understand that a story with this kind of premise is going to be dialogue-heavy, but tbh so far the dialogue feels kinda pointless. Hardly anyone gets to finish a thought before someone interrupts themâŠI donât yet know the characters well enough to get caught up in their banter.
=Overall, the atmosphere is really viscerally tenseâŠlike, to the point where it might actually be triggering for domestic abuse survivors or something. ^^; Iâm actually kind of awed by itâŠI donât think itâll work long-term, though. Like, if the whole story is gonna be like this, itâll probably just get annoying pretty quickly. =/
If this is intentional, I think you might have a skill here, but you have to use it sparingly if you want it to be effective. If this is not intentionalâŠwell, see the above. If thatâs not how you want the reader to feel, you may want to tone down all the yelling and cursing and overreacting. If nothing else, it makes it very difficult to take the characters seriously.