THIRD UPDATE! (Replies 12-18)
The Aphuanian Tales @hippieghost
-Very nice ‘fantasy weaving’ in that first paragraph. Y’know, that thing authors do when they very subtly let you know this isn’t the real world with one little detail?
=Overall, ok. The protag has a relatable quality, although she does read a little over-dramatic…I have this feeling like she was meant to be animated, not read. ^^;
The writing is good, and honestly feels just shy of professional work…I think maybe with a little editing to smooth out the rough spots (for instance, the sister’s and brother’s ways of speaking clash really severely, and it’s hard to tell, at least right now, whether that’s intentional or if that’s just the only way you know how to write calm/hotheaded personalities), it could definitely get there.
Hands Held in the Snow @thedude3445
-As someone ace-leaning, I couldn’t help but feel like this line:
“What? You…Oh. No, me loving you at first sight doesn’t count, since I’m your grandmother. I’m talking about the romantic kind of love. That kind of love where two people create real magic together.”
…Was a little…like “wow, really” y’know? =/ I don’t mean to spook you or anything, it came off as pretty innocuous at first glance, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t read unnecessarily dismissive of platonic love.
=Overall, I think the writing is good, but it lacks flow. It’s very subtle, but it feels like some constant “something” is preventing me from really sinking into the world of this book.
I think it may just be that it needs some editing…like this line: “And those two pairs of eyes met, and stopped on each other’s faces.”
Obviously, the problem is that subject=eyes, and eyes don’t have faces. ^^; But before you even figure that out, the inherent awkwardness of the line immediately breaks immersion. And there are lines like this all over…
Basically, you’re really close to a very professional-sounding narrative style, but unfortunately it’s kind of uncanny-valley close. ^^;
Heaven Hunters @TedGravesArt
-I gotta say, when I saw that detailed cover art the very first thing I thought was “oh boy…this comic is only gonna update once in a blue moon, isn’t it?” Which was only confirmed by the gap between the 1st and 2nd updates...
Don’t take this as a criticism; it’s literally just a reaction…but I think it’s definitely something you should be aware of. The length of each episode more than makes up for the delay (in fact, I think 4-ish months is kinda fast for that volume of work) but any experienced webcomic reader WILL look at these things and understandably think “this comic could get canceled at any moment”. We learn from experience…
Also, they’re definitely going to struggle with remembering details…my memory gets fuzzy just trying to keep up with monthly manga updates. So if your eps have a lot of continuity between them, just keep that in mind.
-THAT ANGEL DESIGN IS SICK
Dammit, I’m hooked…this is exactly how the Stormtroopers got me into Star Wars…
=So I don’t have much to say. Your work is really clean and professional, and the action scenes are particularly delightful. Even though I kinda just barely skimmed it, I can tell Issue #2 is even better than Issue #1 in this respect. ^^
The dialogue is also very nice…it does feel a little comic-corny, but with enough gravity that you can take these multicolored demons seriously. I look forward to giving this a more attentive read later on~.
Post-Apocalyptic Introductions @Pony_wearing_a_hat
-So it feels like this is another one where the writing is really close to sounding professional, but it’s just a bit off…I recommend you get an editor; you have a good style but it needs work.
-Did you also hear that advice about doing super short updates super fast (it looks like you do a page a day, every day)? I hope it works better for you than it did for me (:(…) but I think you should also remember to make your updates feel complete. So far they seem to just stop right in the middle of things…it works when read all at once, but the majority of your readers will be following along daily in real time, and if all they’re going to get for the day is a couple dozen words, you want to leave them with a good sense of intro->event->conclusion/cliffhanger.
-It kinda feels like all the characters are just…yelling at each other? Like, I understand that a story with this kind of premise is going to be dialogue-heavy, but tbh so far the dialogue feels kinda pointless. Hardly anyone gets to finish a thought before someone interrupts them…I don’t yet know the characters well enough to get caught up in their banter.
=Overall, the atmosphere is really viscerally tense…like, to the point where it might actually be triggering for domestic abuse survivors or something. ^^; I’m actually kind of awed by it…I don’t think it’ll work long-term, though. Like, if the whole story is gonna be like this, it’ll probably just get annoying pretty quickly. =/
If this is intentional, I think you might have a skill here, but you have to use it sparingly if you want it to be effective. If this is not intentional…well, see the above. If that’s not how you want the reader to feel, you may want to tone down all the yelling and cursing and overreacting. If nothing else, it makes it very difficult to take the characters seriously.