FIFTH UPDATE! (Replies 29-35)
The End of All Things @BlunderingAlbatross
=Overall, it’s good. I think this is the first ‘normal’ novel I’ve gotten from this thread: it’s not blindingly amazing, yet it doesn’t have any glaring flaws; it’s just…solid writing.
I found it kind of difficult to get invested until the end of Prologue Part 2 where [spoiler] dies (which was really well done, btw), but I don’t think that’s your fault…I dunno. Maybe it’s the MC. As “purehearted, innocent mother” characters go, I think she’s alright, but unfortunately that’s just not the kind of character I’m at all interested in.
Life in a fearsome world @AmandaJ-art
=It’s a cute-looking comic, but it feels very…pointless. Like, the first episode made me think “oh, this is gonna be one of those super-wholesome comic strips where the characters just demonstrate healthy attitudes towards negative thoughts”.
But then Ep 2 came along, ending with a very weak joke (?)…and then came Ep 3, where the negative thought was presented and the character was just…left with it. Eps 4 and 5 confirmed that the endings were just going to be random.
It felt like watching a stand-up comedian try to do stream-of-consciousness jokes and just bomb…like, there’s nothing wrong with finding your own experiences/reactions interesting and trying to share that with others. But entertainment isn’t the same as real life…it’s supposed to have a point. You have to make an attempt to reach your audience; give them something they can react to despite not being you or having your mental context.
…All ^that is assuming that you are indeed just writing about thoughts you had based on situations you were in IRL. If that’s not the case, and you’re making up each episode out of thin air, then…oh boy. You really need to study…something…
If nothing else, I hope the later episodes improve in this respect.
Essence of Life @julipow
-That banner art is scary. Like not good-scary, but ‘two steps before the uncanny valley’ scary. O_O
-Well…these descriptions certainly are…energetic…
-What is a flock?? I tried looking it up, ‘cause it sounds like one of those words that has a bunch of secret, archaic meanings, but I didn’t find anything that sounds like it belongs in the phrase “the wooden flock piercing his chest”.
Unless his chest is full of wood shavings?? That sounds awful…bizarre, and awful…
-Pro Tip: don’t call people “females” (or “males”) if they’re already-identified, acting characters. It’s a no-no…
-What is that ‘ne ne’ about? Are you mixing Japanese in this dialogue?? NONONONONO STOP DO NOT DO THAT
=Oookay…well, that was a trip. 6_6; Um, so, my biggest criticism would be that this has an overall extremely amateurish vibe. Like, this doesn’t feel like a novel, it doesn’t even feel like a novel adaptation of another medium, it feels someone’s misguided attempt at turning an anime into prose, despite not having read many books in their life.
I'll explain one notable thing: the constant usage of the word “female” was really immersion breaking, and tbh it made me uncomfortable…if you’re not a native English speaker (it feels like you are, though) you should know that it is usually used as an adjective (as in the phrase “female character”), not as a noun. When it IS used as a noun, it’s usually for animals (“I have four puppies; three females and one male”).
Thus, when you use it for people it sounds dehumanizing…and just in general, I don’t think you should be in a position where you keep referring to your main character as ‘the [adj] female’…like, even if you changed every instance of ‘female’ to ‘girl’ you would still have a problem.
Why can’t she just be ‘she’, or ‘her’? When you keep titling her like that instead of just using a more subtle pronoun, you create distance between the reader and the character: again, breaking immersion.
Rant over, I gotta stop…but before I do, on a more positive note: that trailer episode DOES indeed feel like a trailer. I’ve never seen anyone do that before…
Age I- Age of Darkness @TheDoublekey
-Woah, the backgrounds are actually kinda nice…
-WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ART BETWEEN EPS 1 AND 2?? D8
-The story seems kind of interesting; if the art were better I might be into this
=So, I feel like you have good composition, but the drawings themselves need a lotta work. The sketchy outlines on everything make the comic feel fuzzy and uncertain…and of course the perspective and anatomy are kind of a train wreck throughout, if I’m being honest.
I realize now that nothing really “happened” to the art after the prologue, it’s just that the prologue kinda played to your strengths: mostly background, extreme closeups, and effects; all things you do best— and I applaud you for making an excellent first impression that way; very smart~.
P.S. It looks like you’re using assets for some of the background elements? I hope you’ll be careful with sourcing and crediting and whatnot…the lines and dots will probably go unnoticed, but if you ‘acquired’ that Prologue background, rather than creating it as I originally thought, you should definitely give credit where it’s due, at the very least.
***How are you all getting so many comments and views?? I feel like such a hack ragging on all these stories and yet being a relative unknown compared to most of you…not that I don’t believe in the validity of my criticisms; I do. But they FEEL invalid when faced with the statistics… TT_TT