FIFTH UPDATE! (Replies 29-35)
The End of All Things @BlunderingAlbatross
=Overall, itās good. I think this is the first ānormalā novel Iāve gotten from this thread: itās not blindingly amazing, yet it doesnāt have any glaring flaws; itās justā¦solid writing.
I found it kind of difficult to get invested until the end of Prologue Part 2 where [spoiler] dies (which was really well done, btw), but I donāt think thatās your faultā¦I dunno. Maybe itās the MC. As āpurehearted, innocent motherā characters go, I think sheās alright, but unfortunately thatās just not the kind of character Iām at all interested in.
Life in a fearsome world @AmandaJ-art
-Wut
=Itās a cute-looking comic, but it feels veryā¦pointless. Like, the first episode made me think āoh, this is gonna be one of those super-wholesome comic strips where the characters just demonstrate healthy attitudes towards negative thoughtsā.
But then Ep 2 came along, ending with a very weak joke (?)ā¦and then came Ep 3, where the negative thought was presented and the character was justā¦left with it. Eps 4 and 5 confirmed that the endings were just going to be random.
It felt like watching a stand-up comedian try to do stream-of-consciousness jokes and just bombā¦like, thereās nothing wrong with finding your own experiences/reactions interesting and trying to share that with others. But entertainment isnāt the same as real lifeā¦itās supposed to have a point. You have to make an attempt to reach your audience; give them something they can react to despite not being you or having your mental context.
ā¦All ^that is assuming that you are indeed just writing about thoughts you had based on situations you were in IRL. If thatās not the case, and youāre making up each episode out of thin air, thenā¦oh boy. You really need to studyā¦somethingā¦
If nothing else, I hope the later episodes improve in this respect.
Essence of Life @julipow
-That banner art is scary. Like not good-scary, but ātwo steps before the uncanny valleyā scary. O_O
-Wellā¦these descriptions certainly areā¦energeticā¦
-What is a flock?? I tried looking it up, ācause it sounds like one of those words that has a bunch of secret, archaic meanings, but I didnāt find anything that sounds like it belongs in the phrase āthe wooden flock piercing his chestā.
Unless his chest is full of wood shavings?? That sounds awfulā¦bizarre, and awfulā¦
-Pro Tip: donāt call people āfemalesā (or āmalesā) if theyāre already-identified, acting characters. Itās a no-noā¦
-What is that āne neā about? Are you mixing Japanese in this dialogue?? NONONONONO STOP DO NOT DO THAT
=Oookayā¦well, that was a trip. 6_6; Um, so, my biggest criticism would be that this has an overall extremely amateurish vibe. Like, this doesnāt feel like a novel, it doesnāt even feel like a novel adaptation of another medium, it feels someoneās misguided attempt at turning an anime into prose, despite not having read many books in their life.
I'll explain one notable thing: the constant usage of the word āfemaleā was really immersion breaking, and tbh it made me uncomfortableā¦if youāre not a native English speaker (it feels like you are, though) you should know that it is usually used as an adjective (as in the phrase āfemale characterā), not as a noun. When it IS used as a noun, itās usually for animals (āI have four puppies; three females and one maleā).
Thus, when you use it for people it sounds dehumanizingā¦and just in general, I donāt think you should be in a position where you keep referring to your main character as āthe [adj] femaleāā¦like, even if you changed every instance of āfemaleā to āgirlā you would still have a problem.
Why canāt she just be āsheā, or āherā? When you keep titling her like that instead of just using a more subtle pronoun, you create distance between the reader and the character: again, breaking immersion.
Rant over, I gotta stopā¦but before I do, on a more positive note: that trailer episode DOES indeed feel like a trailer. Iāve never seen anyone do that beforeā¦
Age I- Age of Darkness @TheDoublekey
-Woah, the backgrounds are actually kinda niceā¦
-WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ART BETWEEN EPS 1 AND 2?? D8
-The story seems kind of interesting; if the art were better I might be into this
=So, I feel like you have good composition, but the drawings themselves need a lotta work. The sketchy outlines on everything make the comic feel fuzzy and uncertainā¦and of course the perspective and anatomy are kind of a train wreck throughout, if Iām being honest.
I realize now that nothing really āhappenedā to the art after the prologue, itās just that the prologue kinda played to your strengths: mostly background, extreme closeups, and effects; all things you do bestā and I applaud you for making an excellent first impression that way; very smart~.
P.S. It looks like youāre using assets for some of the background elements? I hope youāll be careful with sourcing and crediting and whatnotā¦the lines and dots will probably go unnoticed, but if you āacquiredā that Prologue background, rather than creating it as I originally thought, you should definitely give credit where itās due, at the very least.
***How are you all getting so many comments and views?? I feel like such a hack ragging on all these stories and yet being a relative unknown compared to most of youā¦not that I donāt believe in the validity of my criticisms; I do. But they FEEL invalid when faced with the statisticsā¦ TT_TT