30 / 33
Jan 2020

Thank you so much for this, truly! Slow pacing has always been my fear since I've rewritten it, as I did know that its original moved waaay too fast. But definitely tighten things up and shorten things out, that's definitely a given lol Thank you for this!

No problem! I'm about to go to bed, but I'll go ahead and at least read the first five chapters for ya, then post your review first thing in the morning. I'll be at the library all day anyway so free wifi lol

How many episodes are you willing to read? Does five work? If so, I'd like you to read The Solution parts 9 - 11 and The Escort parts 11 and 12. Thanks!

If that's too many, you could just read this1 instead. (It's only 2.3k words).

@CarltonIsaac Here's your review for the first chapter of "Destiny's Beckoning", buddy!

Grammar: No problem here, as usual. To be honest, I really shouldn't review based on this, as I've noticed that many stories on Tapas don't suffer from this problem like they do on Wattpad. Maybe because of the professionalism? It's cool, though, think of it like extra credit, so pat yourself on the back.

Characterization: A huge improvement here. It might be the first chapter, so we don't know too much of the characters' motivations, but we at least get a general idea of them. Iola is quiet and gentle, but there's a power behind her that she's reluctant to show others. Maybe it has something to do with why her grandfather is being held captive? Then there's Dacia, a sellsword with a heart, but a mercenary nonetheless. We see through Iola's eyes her distrust of the woman just as we would (or should), so it's an even mix between their personality and actions that paints a picture of who they are and why we should be on their side. Add an extra point!

Overall Story: Yes, it's a first chapter. Yes, it's short. But do I care? No, not really. Short chapters work best for an online audience, where nobody has the time to read a full-length novel in-between their lunch break. But just because it's a short chapter doesn't mean that it isn't full of personality. I've said before that your descriptions are really commendable, but it's really showcased here. Don't believe me? In the first two paragraphs, all that's being described is a thunderstorm. That's all. But the way that it's written, it not only feels like I'm right there, experiencing it right beside Iola, but it's done in a way that can only be found in a fantasy element. You cannot use the words that you did and in the way that they were arranged in, say, a sci-fi setting or a real-life drama. It's unique to its particular genre, which in turn makes its story unique, and that tone stays that way all throughout the chapter. There never is a moment where I'm not asking myself, "Wait, what's happening?", or "Why are we paying attention to this?" Everything that's being said is explained for a reason and is there because it needs to be. For example, you mentioned earlier about the grandfather, so we already know that this character has some sort of connection to the MC. But then you mention him again at the end, only this time, there's a grim feeling to accompany it. By doing so, you not only leave the reader guessing as to why he's there, but the audience themselves feel satisfied to know that they're not kept completely in the dark. We know who he is, now let's figure out why we should. This is the type of feeling that you should be experiencing in any novel, especially just from the beginning of one, and I don't doubt that it stays like this all the way through.

Here's your review, buddy!

Grammar: Again, not really a problem here. I'm starting to think that there must've been a serious problem on Wattpad, or something, because normally by now, I would have come across something. I'm pretty sure even I have a mistake or two, but I'm not seeing anything here. throws brownie points

Characterization: (First of all, your MC has the same name as my first cat, so you already have my admiration)

I mean, there might be something here, as this is in the middle of the story, but I'm not getting much of anything really strong here. They act like characters that you're supposed to root for (the Loyal One, the Courageous One, etc), but not necessarily characters themselves. Archetypes, not necessarily cliche's, but also not where they feel like a real person. For example, when they're attacked by imps, the logical reaction would be to run away, as what Lika'so tells Alex to do. But then he turns around and goes back to fight a moment later. That would make sense if it was already established that his character is self-sacrificing or foolishly headstrong, but there isn't an explanation as to why besides "I want to help my friends!" As the MC, the audience already expects for him to be loyal, that's what makes them the hero, because they're not after their own personal gains. But you also need to tell us why that's so. At this point in the battle, Alex is severely wounded, maybe even mortally so, and not only are they pretty much overpowered, but he also has no weapons whatsoever. How does he intend on defending himself, his friends? What about his wound? How does he feel putting not only his safety on the line, but also that of his friends, who just told him to run away? The reader needs to sit and experience that inner monologue that Alex might undergo, as it reveals his true character and helps in his journey of self-discovery.

Overall Plot: I thought that something felt really familiar about the story while I was reading it, but not in a, "Hey, I've read a story like this before!"-way. It was more like deja vu, and it wasn't until I was reading a little bit longer when I realized why. There's a lot of telling over showing here, and when I started out writing and for a long while after that, I did a lot of it. Like, a lot. It got so bad that I didn't write my story three years, because I didn't know how to fix it and I had gotten frustrated. But then I read some online tips that's shown me the difference between the two and it's greatly helped. Now, that doesn't mean that telling versus showing completely ruins a story, and I still have my moments. All it means is that there needs to be a balance between them. Explaining things to the audience, or "telling", greatly helps when it's meant to speed up scenes that are naturally slow, such as slow dialogue scenes. However, showing should be done when there's a lot of action, such as a battle scene or a character introduction. This is when a character's inner monologue should be most present. In "The Solution, 9-11" is where it's most needed, as everything that happened was told to me but never shown. I was told what the imps were and their attack but I never experienced it. There's a slight improvement of this in "The Escort, 11-12", such as when you told us about Alex's linguistic teaching. That was the perfect time for that, but during the attack, when it should have been shown to us, it was instead told. "This happened, then this, and finally this." If you instead get us into Alex's head (what does he feel about what's going on? Does this give him conflict? Does it change his view of anything or anyone?), then you're already on your way toward showing.

Here's your review, buddy! Sorry it took me so long!

Grammar: You guys write too good for me to have this category here.

Characterization: So these might be some of my favorite characters that I've read for a while? They're written exactly as how they should (not too much prose, but enough monologue for us to feel and understand them) and in a way where it doesn't feel like a chore getting to know them. I can see people act like this. I know people who act like this. I probably act like this. It's close, but unique enough where they each stand out from one another and stay memorable. I can tell that you've studied up in writing them, because just from the chapters that I've read, there's a familiarity to them where you not only know them, but also are interested to see what's in store for them. Well done!

Overall Plot: This story, like I said before, feels like it's already been published. Starting from the first chapter (or prologue, I think you said it was?), I literally thought that I was reading a book from my favorite author of all time, Brian Jacques. It felt like one of his novels. From the dramatic prose, to the feel of the characters, to its overall tone, I was on the edge of my seat and loving it. That twist at the end of the third chapter doesn't help, either! Of course, take my words with a grain of salt, as you should with anyone, but I really did like this story, and didn't see much, if anything, that needed to be improved. I actually hope to read more of this, so thank you so much for allowing me to read it! It really was a treat! <3

Thank you!
I am really glad you enjoyed it so much. Definitely feel free to keep reading, especially if you like plot twists: I'd love to see your reaction to everything else.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review my story! It was very informative!

On Grammar:Yeah, Wattpad is a cesspool of low-effort trash, and I feel like the interface is far too archaic and clunky, which is why I don't use it. I'm pretty neurotic about grammar, so I didn't expect you to find anything amiss.

On Characterization: It was established in earlier episodes that Alex is a bit headstrong and has a tendency to ignore the orders of Lika'so. My reasoning for abstaining from the inner monologue is two-fold. One, because it would break the flow of the chaotic scene I was attempting to paint in the reader's mind (lack of calculated or strategic forethought on the part of Alex as well as the emotions causing that lack). Two, I had given myself a strict deadline for the episode, (which in hindsight was pretty stupid).

On Overall Plot: I wrote these episodes during a time when I was nearly incompetent at telling a story, as well as giving myself only a day to complete them. I didn't give myself the time to rewrite them or add significant detail and they suffered for it. I'm at a point now where my writing skills have improved enough that the issues you mentioned are nearly absent.

Again, thank you for your time!

P.S. I would appreciate some critique of The Eldritch Ones1 if it's not too much trouble. I don't need a full review, just some of your thoughts.

@hgwilliams98

Thank you again for such a thorough and expressive review. Why, your review is almost as long as the episode itself. :smiley:

I appreciate your identifying of the tone and feel to the story I am going for. My preferred genres are Fantasy and Sci-Fi, and at times an amalgamation of the two.
I have been professionally writing for over ten years now. Most of my work is on Amazon and Goodreads, ghost written for a wide range of clientele.

And if you may have read one or two of those books, you might recognize the style and flow, despite the works being published under other credentials. :smiley:

Cheers!
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@NovaSapien So sorry for not responding for such a long time, school's just starting where I'm at and it's crazy here lol But thanks for the opportunity! I thought that you most likely had improved with your writing since then, and I don't have a problem with reading your other writing for you, too! It might take me a minute though, with school and all, but I can still give it a look between then. Which chapters would you like me to review for you?

@CarltonIsaac Fantasy's honestly my favorite genre of all, so there's definitely going to be some bias whenever I'm reading/reviewing works of that genre, but your story's really good! It was a real pleasure reading it and I can't wait to see what's next in store! <3

I was on Wattpad myself, back in the day! My story was KRZ; it's gone through a lot of evolution and changes since then.

The biggest change: I'm writing it as a comic now! Here it is :slight_smile:

Thank you kindly. :flushed:
The series is up to 30 episodes averaging 1000 words each. Enjoy! :yum:

Would love you to have a look at my webcomic if slots are available!

4 months later

I want you to review "Gifts" please.