14 / 18
Jul 2015

I wrote a short story. I'd love to hear what you lovely people think of it.

FINNISH PEOPLE ARE CRAZY

by R. Merryweather

I was lying at my desk. The dark-blue lighting signalling the end of the day, filled the classroom. I was on my iPhone.

I uttered a sentence. "Finnish people are crazy..."

...

"What was that, Max?" asked the voice of a girl with no breasts.

...

I arose from the comfort of the arm pillows I had created, instead placing my hands on the wooden school desk beneath me, I pushed myself up, and roared with the passion of a thousand lions.

"FINNISH PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!!"

The girl sitting next to me, Lisa Himmler, the cute grand daughter of some army general or whatever, stared at me in utter surprise, whilst sipping her ecological juice. Because that's apparently healthy for you, allegedly. It is however, my belief, that health is a societal construct created to keep true men down. My father always said, that the reason the Taliban Terrorists are so crazy, is due to lack of bacon.

"What's that, Max~?"

She asked, rising from her chair delicately, and leaning against her own wooden desk.

"Finnish people! They are crazy, Lisa! Did you know that when a Finnish man recieves his doctoral diploma, he recieves a TOPHAT and a SWORD?!"

I waved my arms dramatically, as to convey the intensity of the situation. The same intensity that my father had, when explaining to my mother the nonsense in her actions of insisting on salad for a barbeque. I mean seriously, SALAD?! That is the food that our food eats. It makes no sense.

"Whaaaat? Really, Max?"

The blonde twin-tailed girl in school uniform, reacted equally dramatically, to my extremely interesting fact.

"Finnish people!!! They do not understand the concept of small talk, whole families sit around the table and eat, without saying a word to each other!"

"Is that really true? How can that be true?!"

"They will only speak to each other, if absolutely necessary!"

It was then that I realized something my father once told me. I still recall him flipping the sausages over the grill with one hand, and chopping wood with the other.

"LISA! I remember now! My father told me, Finnish people during the war, would skii down mountains in the middle of the night, and assault Soviet camps with machine guns, wearing all-white so that they could not be seen!"

Lisa Himmler's eyes now lit up like a thousand gas furnaces, as they did whenever one talked of the war.

"Whaaaat?! That's so amazing, Max!!"

Of course it is amazing. My interesting facts, and the knowledge they display, are beyond this world.

"Not only that!! Danish, Swedish, Norwegian, Icelandic, these languages can all be called dialects of the same language, EXCEPT FINNISH!!"

"I do not know how it is statistically possible for all Finnish people to walk with knives in their pockets, BUT IT SOMEHOW IS!!!"

"A swede can go to Denmark and feel culturally at home, but a Swede cannot go to Finland and feel culturally at home! It is a cold wasteland, where nobody talks to each other, where Doctors wear tophats and wield swords, and where everyone carries a knife!!"

Lisa stared at me with excitement as I dramatically flung my arms around, whilst roaring out my infinite knowledge and wisdom.

It was then that I realized it was eight o'clock on a monday, and I had no idea why we were still at school.

"... Lisa."

"... Yes Max?"

"Why are we still at school?"

"... Well you were here, so I just stayed around."

"... I'M HUNGRY!!!"

I now realized that I had not eaten any form of beef for a total of eight hours.

"DAD! PREPARE THE GRILL!!"
I screamed into my iPhone, the second my father picked up.

"YOU GOT IT SON!"
He screamed back, with equal passion for all things manly.

Realizing the janitor had locked the door sometime around six o'clock, I ran to the window, and started crawling out.

"Wait for me, Maaax!!"

Lisa ran after me, we went to my place, and had a late night barbeque.

  • created

    Jul '15
  • last reply

    Jul '15
  • 17

    replies

  • 1.7k

    views

  • 10

    users

  • 13

    likes

-edited-

i honestly have no idea what i should feel with this story ._.
im not saying it's bad, it's decent, but ill let finnish people there confirm this things

Sounds like the guy just read thru 4-chan on his I-phone.

I know I would spout nonsense after 10-min on it.

Looks like your poking fun of the finnish people, buttt I cant really say since I have NO idea of their culture.

My sister is married to a Finnish guy, and everything in this story is just stuff he told me.

Heh, Funny. Is this really true? Or poking fun on their custom?

It's true.

Everything in the story is true, too. Well the only one that's maybe a bit over exaggarated is the one about carrying knives, which is a known stereotype.

I don't know, that sounds like half of my firends, they either don't understand the concept of small talk or they walk around in public with top hats and swords.

Seems legit.

I'm a Finnish person, and we have no mountains that we can ski from to get to Russian border, but we do have the person who still holds the record for most confirmed kills by sniping (Simo Häyhä) just google him, he was called "white death" by the Russians or back then the Soviet Union soldiers.

And about the top hats and sword, very true, I'm jealous to my friend who has a degree to go with them. Apparently he can figuratively and very literally defend his thesis's honor.

And knives, I have like 5 kitchen knives, and 7 knives (puukko in Finnish, google awayyy!!) and a leatherman and 4 carpet knives, then again I like whittling, and a wakisashi replica of stainless steel.

But does that make me....crazy? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...(no but talking to myself and the evil laughter might...somebody should really watch my streams so I wouldn't speak alone so much...)

I wouldn't mind to receive a top hat and a sword.
The only crazy thing about Finland is their language. They have 20 tenses, 15 noun cases, and if you put everything together,they have a hundred ways to say house or any other word (For example, they have a word for ''house" (talo) a word for "inside the house" (talossa) , ''FROM the inside of a house'' (taloista) etc.) and super long words full of double vowels, and spoken Finnish doesn't even sound the same anymore. But even if sounds different from most Scandinavian languages, it is related with Hungarian and Estonian.
In Finland they are taught Swedish since childhood and English shortly after that, so that they can communicate with ease with they country neighbors and tourists, their educational system is great. I have a Finnish friend who talks more than 5 languages. and with a perfect pronunciation. That's CRAZY admirable.
I'm also pretty sure Sweden, Norway and Finland share the same weather. My uncle is Norwegian. He says in winter it gets under 30 degrees (Celsius)
Also the family is pretty distant and silent there too. They have to get drunk to stay together but it even makes it worse.
But all of those 3 countries have really kind people too.

Taloista is actually a plural, talosta is from inside of a house, as we don't really have a "the" in the language...

My favourite is still jouksentelisimmeko? which means "shall we run around aimlessly?" why sure my dear sir! Let's run around aimlessly!

Proving your point, neh? wink

English lessons start at 3rd grade (9 year olds) and Swedish is from 7th grade (13 year olds, first year after elementary, can't remember what it is in english), but this can vary between schools and pupils who wish to learn the language sooner and are given the opportunity.

@Spitfire
Yeah they are really similar I always got then confused. I'm still a beginner, I gave up on learning Finnish when I realized that there wasn't enough study material for Italian speakers, so I had to learn English first stuck_out_tongue
But it intrigues me so much!
That's a really cool word. I need to learn more! open_mouth
We (Italy/ South America) have English at school since we're 6. But no one ACTUALLY learns it. In Italy I used to have English and French back in middle school. I kind of remember a few phrases but no one knows/speaks French in Italy anyways.
I am 21 and learned English by my own after high school graduation (I didn't have English in High school cause my school was weird but most schools do.). After 4 months of self-taught English I took the PET along with some high school students who have been studying for 3 years. Most of them failed it and I passed. But they weren't dumb. Education is just weak and bad.
That's why I find Finland amazing.

Well to be fair hardly anyone learns Swedish completely in school, and it's usually what we refer as Finnish-Swedish, it sounds outdated and weird to Swedes.

English is mostly learned from games, tv-shows and the internet blush though schools try to help!

This story and thread just made me happy. My great grand pappy came to the americas from old finnyland and I have discovered that I have been really neglecting to learn the culture of my ancestry. I did carry a knife around all the time for a while till i got tired of fixing it. (butterfly knives were pretty unhip at that point anyway and I had moved on to hacky sack and blasting yodeling records from my car.)

Was I the only one who thought the whole point was to say you and your own cultures are just as crazy? I love Finnish people's craziness though, this was great xD American forms of craziness aren't nearly as cool!