Please don't belittle what has worked for other people. It's fine if that doesn't work for you but for some people it does help. I specifically said that I wore cosplay at cons and it was a way to be in crowds and be more confident in situation I would normally find terrifying. No one is saying wear anything silly. A leather jacket and red lipstick was mentions, not silly. Fishnet gloves, not silly. No one is saying "yeah wear the most ridiculous outfit you can find". Guess what, clothes can make you feel better. It's why some women wear sexy underwear even if its not going to be seen, or why people have lucky socks, or why people splash out on suits.
And please don't talk in such definite. Just because it doesn't work for your personally doesn't mean you can tell everyone else what they shouldn't do when it works for them. As I mentioned, I was working with an actual therapist at the time. If cosplay was harmful and definitely going to make me worse, don't you think a trained professional is more qualified to tell me that than someone on a forum? And it's not about "getting over" anxiety it's tips to help you feel better and dealing with it.
I used to be completely dysfunctional because I had so much anxiety that even trying to cross a street made me cry. Here's what helps ground me.
1- no one cares. Keep this in mind. Repeat it any time you start worrying about what other people are thinking about you. They're not thinking about you. They're busy and they've got their head up their own asses. You can do a LOT of weird shit before anyone even notices, and they will not even care or remember five minutes after noticing. I actively stare at people who pass me on the sidewalk. I make faces at them. No one has noticed in the YEARS I've been doing this.
2- Exposure therapy. Just try and talk to a stranger. Ask the time, say you like their hat, anything. Doesn't matter. THEN notice how nothing bad happened and you didn't die. Keep doing it until you internalize the fact that YOU ARE OKAY AND STATISTICALLY HIGHLY UNLIKELY TO DIE.
3- let yourself be anxious. It's okay that you feel this way. It's happening, so just let it happen. You only hurt yourself more when you resist it and think you shouldn't feel like this. BUT don't let the feeling stop you from doing what you were doing.
4- remember that there's a good reason you feel this way. Something in your past made it necessary to be anxious to be safe. It's not because you're broken, it's because you're a survivor. But if it's hindering you now instead of saving you, it's time to thank the anxiety for how it's helped you and start building new behaviors for the life you're living now
I'm a fan of proper self care. It may not be a total fix, but it does make a HUGE difference to do things like get enough sleep on a regular schedule, eating healthy, exercising, and practicing proper hygiene. I think it's helpful to dress tastefully in a way that complements your body as well. Following these habits can help you feel good about yourself, which in turn will help you believe that other people will like you too.
Having a support network is crucial.Talk to a few good friends about your deepest concerns and fears, both before and after social events. We all need empathy and validation. Good friends will give you that, but they also will push you to progress.
Maintain eye contact and tall posture at all times to establish dominance. If necessary, make a show of physical superiority as well. ...Wait no that's wolves
And it's not about "getting over" anxiety it's tips to help you feel better and dealing with it.
Getting over anxiety and dealing with it is the same thing?
And i'm not telling you how to live your life, just some people think dressing silly is gonna relieve their anxiety, get cold and rude responses and never interact with anyone again because they feel isolated. Hey if you can go into a crowd dressed as hatsune miku and not care what people say good on you but some people don't have that courage. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
I dunno why you're calling me an armchair psychologist on a thread called "tips for dealing with anxiety"
I feel the reason people have been put-off by your responses is because you started with:
This is your personal opinion -- which is chill! But it would've helped if you had just given your own tips and not kinda try to unravel the tips other people gave?
You're heavily implying hypothetical reactions of rude, cold responses to be the outcome every time. They may happen, but they may not happen -- the idea is to focus less on those reactions and more about helping oneself feel more comfortable.
My personal tip (or at least the thing that helps me deal with anxiety) is to tell corny jokes. I like to lighten the mood and kinda acknowledge things got a bit awkward. It helps to deal with the fact that I can make mistakes and just be ok with it.
Some people don't feel they'd be comfortable doing that in my situation, and that's cool. It's less about getting people to do my tip or not do my tip and more about people seeing a different perspective on dealing with anxiety.
I don't know that it's been mentioned here, but medicine really helps me. When I was younger (30s and below, I'm currently 47), I could get away with a various number of different suggestions on this page, but as I got older, my body didn't seem to handle it as well and I'd lose sleep and feel terrible the day after (or the day before) a heavy social scene. I started some medicine (small Prozac dose) and it's made a world of difference for me. It may not be the solution for everyone, though.
I was just mentioning it might be bad idea but if what i'm saying is bad advice to everyone on here maybe just talk to a therapist instead of telling me I don't know what i'm talking about because i'm not doctor? I mean no one on here is qualified and I don't get why i'm suddenly to blame for having an opinion lol
I didn't say you don't know what you're talking about? I'm merely talking about your phrasing.
As I said:
If you personally don't think silly/outlandish clothes would help, it works better with "I personally feel --" or "I wouldn't personally do that because it wouldn't work for me, but I can see why others do it".
Because you mischaracterized the advice of others and framed it as something it wasn't, which made everyone mad. If your opinion was simply, "Hey, dressing too outlandishly might make some people more uncomfortable rather than less" sure, whatever. But you reframed Doki's advice as if she was actually suggesting people run around in armor (the suggestion was something small like a glove that makes the wearer feel cool but doesn't stand out to others), and acted like HG was saying people should wear cosplay to the grocery store, ignoring that they were actually only talking about wearing it to conventions.
Also, you ignored the wider conversation around these which was already about dressing appropriately and finding ways to feel good (jackets, hoodies, lipstick).
I meant it in a broader sense that it might be a bad idea. I didn't mean it as an attack on someone. if you seriously think i'm trying to attack people here i'm not. I even mentioned in one of the replies at a con it won't be that bad. Maybe I worded it too harshly but I'm just putting my opinion out there. The tapas forum has a habit of taking negative comments too seriously so I'm a bit confused by the backlash since I barely use it lol
Quite simply the difference is between taking some pain medication for a broken arm and going to a hospital and getting a doctor to look at it. Dealing with = how to feel less day to day. Getting over = being cured.
And again you're reducing it to dressing silly. This is the offensive part. Things people have mentioned like leather jackets and lips stick and gloves are not dressing silly.
It's upsetting and belittling that while everyone else shared "this is what helped me" you came in and went "that stuff that you all say helped you feel better actually makes you worse" without actually properly reading the posts simply that wearing something feels like armour or that I was talking about cosplaying at cons and explained the specific situations. You just came in and went "dressing silly isn't a cure" as if you know all the answers. That is how you came off to me and that is why you got the response you did.
My social anxiety is gets to me every now and then. Gotta say, it is really annoying too because even if you don't feel like talking to people most days, nobody has a choice. There will always be some form of interaction. So I can appreciate these responses. I know that social anxiety is purely psychological, but even still, it bugs me that it's still there (and I know i'm not the only one). I'll keep your solutions in my thoughts. Thank you.
I think there may also be misunderstandings because there may be various reasons to experience social anxiety, and different expectations when it comes to dealing with it.
A shy extrovert wanting to have more social interactions but having difficulties/fears/past traumatizing experiences will most likely not have the same reasons to have social anxiety, and not the same expectations for a life without this anxiety, as an introvert who gets social anxiety because they are forced by everyday life to socialize against their wish.
Plus the reason behind that problem may modify how to deal with it.
For the clothes issue, for example, clothing differently helped me, but only, I think, because two aspects were there: I loved the clothes I wore (I was not doing it to look different from mainstream (not either to look similar to a smaller group), but to look as I wished to look like), and I've never be searching for the approval of others. Dressing different was helpful in the sense that it was already screening out any person judging solely on exterior factors (because no matter how weird I could dress, it was still way less weird than how weird I am inside. What the point in keeping around me people that would already be put off by my clothes? Almost zero chances they would like me anyway). I was then left to deal with the persons the most likely to have some tolerance toward my weirdness and thus, the less likely to give me social anxiety. Pretty much the same way than toxic butterflies are colorful to warn predators BEFORE they take a bite -> it's good for both parties.
Also, if I had been forced, or forced myself, into more social interactions I would either be an hermit, or dead, by now. Although it may be a good advice for some, I think it's a very dangerous thing to say as a general advice.
Well stated. Anxiety in general is a universal concept, but the way we experience it, the reasons, the degree - it's all very personal. And along with that, the ways we cope with it will be different. I like this thread for that reason: we're all sharing what has worked for us individually so the rest of us can cherry pick, try things out, see what works for us and what doesn't. Some advice has more universal application, some might be very individual. As long as your intention is to support people who are in pain and trying to get past it, then that's what counts and that's what people will see.
Listen to music.
at least this is something that's helped me. I can get pretty nervous when I go shopping by myself because I feel like everyone's watching me and I have to put a lot of thought behind EVERYTHING I do when in fact, nobody fooking cares. It is a sensation that can be hard to get over, though. I found that listening to music helps solidify yourself in your own world.. if that makes sense. Don't care about what other people are thinking, just listen to stuff you like. With that being said, don't be rude of course. Take out your earbud when someone's talking to you. lolWear stuff you like!
For sure! Personally, I feel like garbage if I leave the house wearing a baggy sweatshirt and pajama pants. Some people rock the look, but if I leave the door wearing something that makes me self conscious, it just makes my anxiety worse. So yeah, if you like to put your hair in a bun or like wearing leather jackets, whatever, you do you. It's a good confidence booster, too.Meditate
Actually, I think everyone should try meditating at least once in their life no matter their mental state. It's a really calming experience and helps you control your thoughts more, especially for people with anxiety and depression.Push yourself
Seriously... Don't make your friends order your food for you all the time, or make them ask questions when you're perfectly capable of doing it. You should never use social anxiety as a crutch to not do anything social. You should constantly push yourself out of your comfort zone, and you might find that it's not so scary to ask the waiter to split the bill. Trust me, it'll help you in the long run (coming from someone who has been too afraid to order food for the past 5 years)NOBODY IS LOOKING AT YOU
I sort of mentioned this before, but when you're in a huge crowd and get suuuuuper anxious and overhwhelmed, just keep reminding yourself that everyone in the room has better things to worry about and don't even notice you. And even if they do catch a glimpse of you awkwardly fumbling in your pocket for your wallet or something, they'll forget that even happened in T-minus 3...2...
Like these people have better things to do. They don't even know you. They don't care if your hair looks bad today.
I agree with "contradictory" opinions here I totally feel more confident when I look good in nice clothes because they reflect my inner personality. I love bright colors and big patterns because they help me to feel energized.
But when I am very depressed and very "frail" I think that my normal clothes are very over the top! I feel like clothes swallow me like I no longer have control over them, It is so intimidating and I end up wearing neutrals because I'm happy to blend with the background. For me, clothes are totally a reflection of my mood. I wear my clothes from the inside out ( if that makes sense!)
And I see how having a "script" can help a lot of people to stop worrying about what they are going to say. For me, that one doesn't work because I beat myself up when I screw up and I tend to get paralyzed when I don't say what I was supposed to say or tend to forget things that are rehearsed. So my therapist helped me to relax and don't care. Did I say something stupid? Not a big deal, move on, laugh at it, Don't know what to say? Don't say anything and it is okay, or say whatever you have in mind.