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Mar 2019

If you have to deal with this problem or have dealt with it in the past, I just thought it might be nice to share strategies that helped you along the way. I have a few:

-Script yourself: Y'know how people who work in retail have scripts? They don't have to react to each customer as an individual if they don't want to, they can just follow their script: "Hello, welcome to [blank], how can I help you; thank you, have a nice day!"

You can use that to ease social interactions by deciding in advance what you're going to say when they begin. Many years ago, I decided that my response to "Hello, how are you" would be "Fine, thanks". Just two words, but you wouldn't believe how much they've helped. Just the ability to give a confident, immediate answer to a common greeting does wonders for your self-esteem. ^^

-Renew your wardrobe: I saw a TED video on this a few weeks ago, and although the presenter was a bit exaggerated for my taste, I found that I completely agreed with her message: Clothes are silent self-expression, and you can use them to tell people who you are without having to say a word. You'll feel much more confident in clothes that you actually like, that reflect the person you really are.

A lot of my progress correlated with my increasing ability to buy my own clothes, and I don't think that was just coincidence. I love experimenting on myself with new styles, and I find that the more dramatic I get, the more dramatic I want to be.
Last year I bought a pair of fishnet gloves for Halloween, and the other day I wore them outside again, just for fun. It was a great day~. I don't think anyone else even noticed I had them on, but I did, and they made me feel so...individual and powerful. I loved the way they looked on my hands, and the fact that I could wear something unconventional and just enjoy it for myself felt freeing.

I want to keep getting crazier~. Sometimes I imagine walking down the street in costume armor or a flowing cape, and it makes me laugh, but, if it could make me feel as good as those little gloves did, why shouldn't I try it?
Don't worry about what other people might think; wear what'll make you happy. You may find that attitude spreading to the rest of your personality. ;]

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    Mar '19
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I have social anxiety and I appreciate this thread, but personally I feel like I have the opposite experience when it comes to wearing things that I like if they're well, bringing attention to me. if there's something that I like on a personal level and then wear it in the open my anxiety actually gets a lot worse and I constantly think of what other people might be thinking about said thing. (especially if it's behind me)

i'm going to go ditto on that, had a mental breakdown when ppl put make up on me once

I agree with your point about clothes, I don't think extremely stand-outish clothes are great for anxiety, but I find a leather jacket and red lipstick do wonders for my confidence, it's like armour or something!

Breathing helps me, and for ages I was allergic to it, but recently I tried it and I find it works, especially if you're trying to prevent a panic attack or crying. The method I use is 4-7-8, breathe in for four seconds, hold for seven, breathe out for eight. On top of doing this during an anxiety inducing situation, practice it a few times a day.

Music too, I find listening to music while out helps to ground me, and it stops me from overthinking what people think about me etc.

Probably depends on the individual. But I thoroughly agree that a great jacket can make you feel awesome!

But I get @ghostieblu too. When I was younger any attention, even if positive, made me very uncomfortable. But that got better for me in college, and I really enjoy unique jewelry or clothing items now. Not over the top, but enough to feel individual.

Also ditto on the breathing. It's a good one to practice so you can use it easily when a stressful situation comes up.

The scripting is also great for phone anxiety. I'm terrible with an kind of official call, but I write down everything (even my name), and it makes a big difference.

Social anxiety is felt most intensely inside our own heads. Most others don't notice it all too much in others. In that sense one thing you can think about is that even when you personally feel like you've committed a huge social gaffe, most of the time others won't really hold it against you. In fact, people tend not to remember at all those times that you made social mistakes. They just... don't really do it. As a result, it's actually a fairly nice thing to experiment with your social interactions. Eventually if you get good at social skills, no one will try to hold you accountable for the times when you weren't.

On clothes, I actually find outlandish clothes really reassuring, specifically when I was doing actually therapy for my social anxiety was around the same time I took the plunge and started cosplaying. I know crowds are a big deal for people with social anxiety but it was actually rather easy. By being in an outfits like that, often outfits I would never wear day to day (we all know how short anime skirts can be) for fear of drawing too much attention, and being someone else like a character it was very easy to be more confident and comfortable. At cons you're generally unlikely to bump into someone too close to you in day to day life, and even if you do, just a wig can make you hard to recognize (I put a blonde wig on and my nan will mistake me for my sister). When talking with my therapist about it, she generally said it was because I wasn't being myself, like a mask and felt more comfortable. Not great to get you every day, but by doing it I got more comfortable talking to strangers, being in crowds and generally being in public.

Another things that was super helpful we did, if you're building up to something that makes you uncomfortable but isn't totally outside your comfort zone, even a small thing like going to the shop or making a phone call you really don't want to but have to, writing down all the bad things your mind tells you might happen and what they could actually lead to, then write down what's the most likely thing to happen, do the thing, and then write down what actually happened. You start training yourself to realise that 90% of the time it's really not so bad and your way of thinking changes.

And the number one piece of advice to keep telling yourself: people are generally self absorbed, they're more interested in themselves, than they are in you.

Agreed. When I do something that makes me feel embarrassed, I tend to brush it off. My mistakes don't usually make a good story for others to gossip about anyway (and I'm talking about the smaller things!). Some people just wanna get on with their day.

And it may just be a flaw in mine, but I also tend to think that if someone made a mistake that I just did, say like going into the wrong classroom or something, I wouldn't make fun of them for it. My general rule of thumb to reduce my social anxiety is if someone did something weird and I wouldn't remember it by the end of the day, then most people wouldn't remember me if I did the same.

My tips are probably bad and very likely not what you should do to deal with it, but this is basically what I do.

  • I make another personality / persona. Pretend like I'm an actor and if I don't pull this off I'm going to get fired or wont' get paid. Helps if I wear clothes I don't normally wear or even a costume cause it makes me feel more like a 'character' and can sometimes make it easier to talk to people or get through the day because 'it's not me' I doesn't even have to be something flashy or that makes you stand out, just something you wouldn't normally wear.

  • For planed events I overwork myself to the point where when the day is finally here, I'm too tired to the point of almost passing out to focus on how uncomfortable I am around other people, as the discomfort of trying to stay away or still work when I want to drop dead is stronger. I recommend this one the least, even I am well aware this is a HORRIBLE thing to do, but some events I absolutely need to because I just can't get through them if I don't.

  • Pretend to be happy, regardless of what you are going through, I had a cat of mine die 2 days before the convention I was selling art at and I had to put on a smile and pretend like not only everything was ok, but that I was extremely happy to be there because I was looking forward to this event all year people like masks, these people don't care about you or what you're really going through (we're talking about dealing with strangers, not friends) they expect you to be happy and for you to not ruin their mood.

That's generally how I handled when I had to go to conventions to sell my art at, else I would just have stayed hidden out of sight and drew in my sketchbook all day. These are also situations where I HAVE NO CHOICE but to interact with people and have people notice me, as I'm not going to sell my art if I don't and I at least need to make back enough money to cover printing and tabling costs.

So, real talk, I have avoidant personality disorder. It's a class C PD where, instead of being triggered by social events or certain people or circumstances, you feel anxiety pretty much always. It's not fun.

There are a lot of things that I've had to learn to do in order to cope. A good number have been listed - breathing, re-framing the situation, putting yourself in another headspace or persona. Here's some others that help with long-term maintenance:

1) Eat well. Seriously. Part of anxiety is a physical response to your mental and emotional state. That physical response can be worsened if your blood sugar is out of whack, you're eating things that you're intolerant to, you're malnourished, etc.
2) Meditate/journal. Whatever you're anxious over or are having circular thoughts about, if you can practice letting them go or finalizing them by putting them on paper, it helps so much. You gain perspective, maybe personal insight, and it helps you not disassociate.
3) Embrace the pain. If you're anxious about something...do it anyway. Anxiety feels worse than fear. Anxiety is worse than embarrassment. Anxiety is worse than failing. Every. Single. Time. Do the thing. Talk to the person. If you're scared about it, then it's probably a sign that you've hit a personal boundary, and you will grow by pushing it. And if you screw it up...just make sure your intentions were pure. If you can be assured of that, then mediate/journal on that, and let yourself feel.
4) When you're done embracing the pain...listen to yourself. Sometimes it's okay to cancel plans. Sometimes it's okay to take a mental health day. Sometimes it's okay to not do the thing that makes you anxious. As long as you don't avoid ALL the things that make you anxious and you practice good self-care.
5) Take care of your friends. Find the ones that know what healthy self-love is and that also know how to love you. Take care of them, and let them take care of you.
6) ...Do things online :slight_smile: I mean, I'm not on this forum JUST to push my novel. I'm here because I like social interaction, and this is the least stressful way to do it. Don't feel bad for being online, just as long as it's not your ONLY social interaction.

That's what I got! Hope it helps!

i haven’t dealt with social anxiety for awhileee but i had it pretty bad as a teen! (what helped me the most was bejnf drafted which i can’t reccomend at all)
anyway. ditto on all of these comments. clothing is super important not only with extravagant things but honestly just with like, your own comfort zone. if you’re younger and not picking your own clothes yet, just go out and get yourself like 1 hoodie, wear that for comfort. connect to your truer self.
anywho

tip 1 (by my therapist at the time):
slowly get used to the idea overtime. if you have a problem with retail (let’s face it, we all do), day 1 start by just walking by it. day 2 get closer. day 3 enter the store. honestly, take as long as you need. just slowly build up that tolerance, even if it seems silly, it’ll help.

tips 2 & 3 & 4 (by yours truly)
2- take a friend with you. or family, to those who feel calmer comfortable with that. having someone willing to take over if you’re at a breaking point, and just having someone you trust to back you up helps a ton.
3- don’t talk? ( p specific to retail but-) 99% of stores are just like you put the thing on the counter, pay, and leave. it doesn’t eliminate the anxiety but it could help a bit knowing basically you don’t really need to do anything. get in, pay, get out. if you can prepare the exact amount that needs paying beforehand i used to do that alll the time lol

and lastly, 4, this is a bitttt more extreme but if you have problems when talking to people and you have to, pre-write what you need said and just hand it over in written form. literally just give the person a piece of paper with what you want said instead of speaking.
to be fair tho, that’s aversion and you don’t wanna use it too much.

(editing the post because people were getting angry) One tip: if you wanna dress outlandish and weird in public it might make anxiety worse because people might be mean or cold to you so its up to you if you wanna do that. there's no magic to the clothes you wear to get over anxiety, its about your personality and how your hold yourself not what you look like. Also never fake your personality or put on an act or pretend you're someone else, its not genuine. Just be you.

others: Get a job even if its packing cans, participate it some community event or social event and force yourself out of your comfort zone. Literally thats all it is. Everytime you feel scared of doing something or talking to someone, not doing it makes your anxiety worse. The more you force a conversation out of yourself even if you have nothing to say the less anxious you feel about doing it. yeah I get it, you're awkward and you stumble, no one cares. Just do it and eventually all your fears of social interaction will mellow out.

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I never said anyone had to 'dress silly', I said to wear what you like. People here have mentioned jackets, hoodies...if it makes you feel even a little bit better about yourself, wear it. That's all I suggested.

And if that wouldn't help you or if it would make things '300% worse' for you, that's your opinion. You shouldn't disparage the idea entirely just because it doesn't benefit you. Maybe for other people, there is a certain magic to the clothes they wear.

There's no one-size-fits-all solution to problems like anxiety. =/

You said you want to wear armor and some people on here say wear cosplay. It's a really bad idea because you're not gonna get the responses you want unless it was at an event like comic con. People are gonna be rude to you or snicker which is gonna make your anxiety worse. It's not an opinion its just how people act and you need to be aware of that. For some people that will make their anxiety much worse.

if people literally said they felt more comfortable in their own experience in that type of clothing i dont think its our place to tell them theyre... wrong?
we're all just sharing personal experiences here, what works for some might not for others~~

Please don't belittle what has worked for other people. It's fine if that doesn't work for you but for some people it does help. I specifically said that I wore cosplay at cons and it was a way to be in crowds and be more confident in situation I would normally find terrifying. No one is saying wear anything silly. A leather jacket and red lipstick was mentions, not silly. Fishnet gloves, not silly. No one is saying "yeah wear the most ridiculous outfit you can find". Guess what, clothes can make you feel better. It's why some women wear sexy underwear even if its not going to be seen, or why people have lucky socks, or why people splash out on suits.

And please don't talk in such definite. Just because it doesn't work for your personally doesn't mean you can tell everyone else what they shouldn't do when it works for them. As I mentioned, I was working with an actual therapist at the time. If cosplay was harmful and definitely going to make me worse, don't you think a trained professional is more qualified to tell me that than someone on a forum? And it's not about "getting over" anxiety it's tips to help you feel better and dealing with it.

I used to be completely dysfunctional because I had so much anxiety that even trying to cross a street made me cry. Here's what helps ground me.

1- no one cares. Keep this in mind. Repeat it any time you start worrying about what other people are thinking about you. They're not thinking about you. They're busy and they've got their head up their own asses. You can do a LOT of weird shit before anyone even notices, and they will not even care or remember five minutes after noticing. I actively stare at people who pass me on the sidewalk. I make faces at them. No one has noticed in the YEARS I've been doing this.

2- Exposure therapy. Just try and talk to a stranger. Ask the time, say you like their hat, anything. Doesn't matter. THEN notice how nothing bad happened and you didn't die. Keep doing it until you internalize the fact that YOU ARE OKAY AND STATISTICALLY HIGHLY UNLIKELY TO DIE.

3- let yourself be anxious. It's okay that you feel this way. It's happening, so just let it happen. You only hurt yourself more when you resist it and think you shouldn't feel like this. BUT don't let the feeling stop you from doing what you were doing.

4- remember that there's a good reason you feel this way. Something in your past made it necessary to be anxious to be safe. It's not because you're broken, it's because you're a survivor. But if it's hindering you now instead of saving you, it's time to thank the anxiety for how it's helped you and start building new behaviors for the life you're living now

I'm a fan of proper self care. It may not be a total fix, but it does make a HUGE difference to do things like get enough sleep on a regular schedule, eating healthy, exercising, and practicing proper hygiene. I think it's helpful to dress tastefully in a way that complements your body as well. Following these habits can help you feel good about yourself, which in turn will help you believe that other people will like you too.

Having a support network is crucial.Talk to a few good friends about your deepest concerns and fears, both before and after social events. We all need empathy and validation. Good friends will give you that, but they also will push you to progress.

Maintain eye contact and tall posture at all times to establish dominance. If necessary, make a show of physical superiority as well. ...Wait no that's wolves

And it's not about "getting over" anxiety it's tips to help you feel better and dealing with it.

Getting over anxiety and dealing with it is the same thing?

And i'm not telling you how to live your life, just some people think dressing silly is gonna relieve their anxiety, get cold and rude responses and never interact with anyone again because they feel isolated. Hey if you can go into a crowd dressed as hatsune miku and not care what people say good on you but some people don't have that courage. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

I dunno why you're calling me an armchair psychologist on a thread called "tips for dealing with anxiety"

I feel the reason people have been put-off by your responses is because you started with:

This is your personal opinion -- which is chill! But it would've helped if you had just given your own tips and not kinda try to unravel the tips other people gave?

You're heavily implying hypothetical reactions of rude, cold responses to be the outcome every time. They may happen, but they may not happen -- the idea is to focus less on those reactions and more about helping oneself feel more comfortable.

My personal tip (or at least the thing that helps me deal with anxiety) is to tell corny jokes. I like to lighten the mood and kinda acknowledge things got a bit awkward. It helps to deal with the fact that I can make mistakes and just be ok with it.

Some people don't feel they'd be comfortable doing that in my situation, and that's cool. It's less about getting people to do my tip or not do my tip and more about people seeing a different perspective on dealing with anxiety.