@k5rakitan Oh what, is this a Seto Kaiba porn? Oh wow. I am surprised he stepped away from cards long enough to get involved with someone who was not a card or a dragon or a girl he almost could have dated 5000 years ago in a previous incarnation who died tragically in his arms (who was also a dragon).
I'm currently watching Yugioh and doing a deep-dive blog about the experience of watching it all the way through for the first time so sure, I'll uh read this, but I warn you I will skip the erotic stuff cuz that's how I roll and also, whether or not erotica and all it's zany pillowtalk is logical or clear is a nonsequitor to the genre anyway. Not that there's much of the porn in this yet. It's mostly the lead up so far.
But, luckily for this critique all about legibility, I already know the base lore pretty well. I watched it literally yesterday (currently on S4 so if this is about stuff later than that I do not know it). Also, I live in the Bay Area and have spent many a time in SF so I know the location, too.
Let me just pull up a private window. (Oh thank god, it's a novel. I just didn't want to see Seto Kaiba's dick is all.)
-First off, I was a little confused about how she has a boyfriend and a husband who are two different people, since that's how the story opens in the first paragraph, then I realized--oh yeah, it's an open relationship. That's a thing for the whole fic, but the way it was introduced took me longer than it probably should to figure out because I mixed up Marc with her husband.
-In Ch 1, Caltrain is double decker, which you and I know, but the reader might not. So, when it says she stepped to the "lower level" even I was like "lower level of what?" and remembered, oh yeah. Train.
-How many guys does this girl have? Like infinite? If you meant infinite then good, I read it correctly.
-In Ch 4 the store attendant asks them to leave and I'm not sure why? Like they were rude, and she's half naked, but I don't know which rude statement set the attendant off. That whole argument about how and why each of them got kicked out, including Roland who was just passing by, was unclear so it could use some rewording.
-This is really nitpicky, but in Ch5 Mokuba says it's their first visit to Silicon Valley, but both he and Seto spent all of S4 in the Bay Area and they have a Kaiba Corp branch in San Fransisco in that season as well, so...it's not canonical, but that probably doesn't matter for this soft porn fic haha.
-Also in Ch5 Joans friends are too nerdy to go clubbing but she is dating like 4+ men at a time so it's odd she has such boring friends. I had to reread because I just assumed Mokuba said that instead.
So there you go, overall, it's legible. I have very little places where I got confused.