Want some constructive criticism

Remy_nuel 2023-02-13 09:18:58 UTC #1

Hello everyone,
So, I've posted about five chapters on my new novel and I wanted to know if there are things I could change or improve. I'd really appreciate if possible, you read as much as you can and give some feedback on what I've written so far.
Here's the link to my novel

Thanks.

BOMB 2023-02-13 09:44:59 UTC #2

I think you have direction, and a concept, but your sentences themselves feel garbled. I can understand what's happening, but the way the sentences themselves are written from the very first line feels more like you wrote what a person was speaking rather than writing for a book. And I know that probably seems harsh, but I'm trying to be blunt so it's clear.

There doesn't seem to be a flow to how one sentence goes from one to the next. You're choice of verbiage and descriptions feel stiff and surface level.

I almost feel like I'm reading a first draft before it's been worked over or edited. And I only read the first chapter by the way.

I also came across places where you mistakenly wrote the same word twice like "the the", or you forgot to write words in.

I'm sure I'll probably seem like a butt head for saying all of this like this, but if I were you,I'd reread your work, try to be more thoughtful in the flow and structure of your sentences, and do some general editing.

Surihpas 2023-02-13 09:45:13 UTC #3

Hi Remy, and congrats on posting your novel.

I read the blurb and first chapter, and I think think you definitely have something interesting going on. I'm immediately curious about those two characters with seemingly opposing views and circumstances (and... ok, maybe the fact I also have a main character named Chris, though granted he's a he, did something to me), and the first chapter makes us feel for the protagonist in it.

That said, there are 2 main things I'd focus on:
1) Punctuation and editing. I feel like this could go through another round of editing. There are some places where punctuation is missing, making sentences a little confusing, and some sentences where things don't quite flow.

I took your blurb as an example, only changing the punctuation a bit and fixing a few grammatical errors so that it's easier to read and follow:

Summary

Sam prefers being alone, away from others, living like a cloud in the sky. Her mundane life was all she needed, nothing else. But fate is not on her side as she comes across someone who turns her world into a roller-coaster of emotions.

Chris on the other hand is tired of her current lifestyle and wants a change, an artist running away from the planned fate that has been laid out for her by her parents, trying to find new people to interact with that are not in her circle.

As far as content goes, I feel like you could "tighten" the blurb a little too. Right now parts of it sound a little vague, so if you could make them a little "sharper" I feel like it would be more impactful (for example I think the beginning of the second paragraph is excellent, but 'trying to find people to interact with that are not in her circle' doesn't pack quite the same punch. Instead, maybe you could tell us what Chris is trying to rebel against or how she does that - because interacting with people outside your circle is... quite mild and not very specific).

2) Showing, not telling. Try to convey what the characters are feeling and doing by showing it, rather telling. Take this sentence for example:

'Her skin crawled as she did, it disgusted her.'

There's absolutely no need to tell us it disgusted her - because you already showed us! That's exactly what the fact her skin crawled meant, and is much more impactful and immersive compared to telling us she was disgusted.

*I'd also use your protagonist's name instead of 'she' all the time. It's a small detail, but helps us to start getting to know her (also think about it, when you meet someone new, their name is usually the first thing we learn!).

Hope you find this helpful, and best of luck with your novel!

Katzalcoatl 2023-02-13 10:23:43 UTC #4

1.- I would say the grammar in some parts needs some improvement.
2.- You should expand your vocabulary replacing some word choices.
3.- There was one phrase that didn't make sense on chapter 1. I know you chose it to make it sound like a poem but you have to be careful.

That's basically it. But mainly grammar it becomes more noticeable in chapter 2.

Btw, long live GL! Amiright or amiright?

Remy_nuel 2023-02-14 00:30:19 UTC #5

Thanks for this,

I've been trying to work on this for a while now but I think I have to work harder to improve on it.
I'll try re-reading through everything again and take better note of mistakes.

Remy_nuel 2023-02-14 00:41:22 UTC #6

Thanks,
I'll take all this into consideration.

This is a new concept I just learned. There were a few articles I read that said I needed to describe everything that the character felt, and I think I went overboard with it.

Remy_nuel 2023-02-14 00:49:34 UTC #7

Thanks a lot,
These are very helpful. I'll re-read everything and edit them better.

Long live GL!

CapraZ92 2023-02-14 02:56:01 UTC #8

I would also like some constructive criticism please, hope that you can stop by and check it out, thank you!

Surihpas 2023-02-14 08:18:10 UTC #9

It's alright, I think it's definitely a tricky thing to muster. Hell, I feel like I still struggle with it sometimes. From personal experience I can tell you though that just being aware of it (which you are) already helped a ton, so you're definitely in a good direction.

Another thing that helped me with editorial feedback, so if you're able to get someone to do that I think it could help a lot. Then again, if not, just read and write. I promise it'll get easier to understand and perform

system 2023-03-16 08:18:12 UTC #10

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