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JoshRaed
Aug '23

Also how does lurking make you adjust your behavior and understand social cues? I don't feel like it would work like that for me, I've spent too long in spaces like this for lurking to be helpful, but it seems to work for most people.

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    Aug '23

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darthmongoose
Aug '23

The reason it's harder to do that on the internet is there's no kitchen to help out in. :rofl:

To elaborate: A good coping tactic when it comes to IRL parties and events, if you're autistic, is to be "helpful". "Oh, do you need any help? Shall I help you carry these plates out?" That sort of thing. This allows you to not be standing around at the edges of the party looking miserable (and unfortunately people read "totally neutral expression" as "miserable/angry", which will cause people to get on your case like "are you not enjoying yourself!?" "shouldn't you be having fun!?" as though I really want to be in this painfully overstimulating environment, making small talk, which I hate) and will instead give you a task to do that will make you a positive contributor to the party or event without needing to be near the loud music or make small talk with people. "Sorry! No time for small talk, I need to help put out all these snacks!"

Generally, at IRL parties, autistic people who don't want to just lurk will usually find an activity to do. If it's not helping the host, it's making cocktails (and an autistic person who knows about cocktails will love a chance to make all those cocktails), setting up the beer pong (makes you look like a "party person" while avoiding talking to people), arranging a big game of Mario Kart, or a singalong at the piano. Because just standing around making small talk is the worst, but doing things together is okay, even nice!

JoshRaed
Aug '23

Do irl social spaces actually have the same general need for an adjustment period that social media spaces do?

darthmongoose
Aug '23

It depends on the space. There are some places I can walk into where it's immediately like I belong there. My partner always laughs because I'm like this in any Warhammer shop. I walk in, and I'm like a duck jumping into a pond, I'm immediately chatting away with people like we've been friends for ages, even if I've never been in that particular store in my life.

If you introduce me to a new workplace though, I'm awkward, because there's no set topic for conversation and I have to try to work out what the vibe is from context clues, how casual are people here? what's the vibe? What's considered an "appropriate topic of conversation"?

It's good to try to pay attention to what other people talk about, how they dress, what the general energy of the conversation is like, and then try to match it. Try to remember details about people in that space. If you can go up to somebody and say, "Hi, Steve! How's your cat?" That's a conversation starter, for example.

JoshRaed
Aug '23

I feel like i’ll know the energy of a space but then find myself fully unable to participate in a way that contains any of that energy. Like it’s just not how my brain works.

darthmongoose
Aug '23

That's not unusual. I'm an AFAB autistic woman with a late diagnosis, so was raised to basically blame myself if I was "anti-social", or "impolite" and to mask heavily in social situations and see it as a personal failing if I didn't. Not everyone is like that.

If you can't bring yourself to match the energy of a place, then bring what you do have and just try to be polite, friendly and patient with people. If they can't get on board with that, they're jerks and not worth spending time with. Look for spaces where your energy fits in.

TheLemmaLlama
Aug '23

I actually do basically 'lurk' IRL ... as in I literally just stand around and eavesdrop on the conversation :stuck_out_tongue: In my experience at least, people generally don't mind and would probably make room for you in the circle if they see you just standing behind them, but also not pressure you talk; the only downside is if you randomly inject with a quip, people may not hear you which is kind of awkward XD

river121693
Aug '23

Im on the spectrum. I’m lucky enough to have found social circles in friendly art communities where people are ok with folks just chilling by themselves. There really isn’t anything wrong with sitting around near your acquaintances and listen to their convos. Some good folks may even ask you for your opinions and involve you as much as you’d like to be involved. It’s also ok to not be helpful.
I’ve also learned to mask by smiling and nodding along. I also try to be attentive to the convos even if it doesn’t interest me. I can still think about what they’re talking about and contribute

Shanny8
Aug '23

Normally I don't care much for people or to be around them...but I fare pretty well at [comic/anime] conventions.