Writing Couple Dynamics (Mixed Race Couples, Disability Couples and more.) (and share your series!) (but sfw)

[Leyelle]

So obviously every couple has a different dynamic, but how do YOU help your couples to stand out from each other to keep their relationships from appearing too similar to each other? I feel like in a lot of shows relationships tend to fall into tropey categories that almost suck the life out of them.

One of the main notes in my experiences for keeping relationships feeling real and natural for the characters is keeping your characters personalities in the forefront, as most (healthy) people, won't become different people, just because they're with their lovers, and that's going to affect the way they interact with each other.

My two primary examples from my released works are Aaron and Eliza, and Kattar and Alicia, and these two couples couldn't be more different.

For one thing, while Aaron and Eliza's relationship largely revolves around him trying to wrangle her over-active imagination, Kattar is paralyzed, so a good portion of his and Alicia's relationship has to navigate the difficulties spawned from that.

I personally like writing mixed race couples and want to see more of them in fiction. The difference they encounter just because of culture, or literal physical differences (say, burning rather than tanning, having kinky hair) all affect their dynamics. Aaron complains to Eliza about not being able to see himself in the bathroom mirror as they're getting ready in the morning because her hair is "taking up all the real estate." She decided not to take on his last name because it's entirely TOO common, and bad for marketing.

On the other side of the spectrum, I'd like to see (and am writing) more couples where one or both partners have some sort of disability, be it mental or physical.

Too often I feel that media is keeping ideas segregated. Couples are still largely mono-cultural, and people with disabilities rarely get the opportunity to play anything other than support roles. Especially if they have a learning disability, they virtually never get to be the leads of romances.

So how do you write romances? Do you ever include disabled people in your couples? What about mixed-race couples?

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Read Damsel in the Red Dress :: Damsel in the Red Dress | Tapas Novels

[AmysGames]

Hm, Rikou was in a mixed race marriage, but that's not really the best example because he passed away before the start of the story. It just felt like the right choice when I was designing her husband, haha. I think they had a good relationship, but sadly I don't think we'll be seeing much of it.

(From Niji Chikara)

Makoto and Shannon from Aiiro No Kunoichi were a better example, with him being Japanese and her being American. I even did a short comic about their relationship, which featured tidbits like him helping her learn about Japan. If I ever do more with Aiiro No Kunochi (which I'd like to at some point), I'd love to explore that dynamic more.

(From Aiiro No Ninja: The Legacy)

[Leyelle]

There's a irl couple that has a comic called "The Clog" (by Paige Keeper) which is a Japanese husband and a European (something) wife, I'm not sure if she's American or english

[NickRowler]

I know this might sound like a cop out but I don't really think too hard about the race of the characters when I pair them up. I do have mix race couples but there is no political statement or anything behind it, they just are.

I guess same with disability, I just don't think too much about it.

Also for a heads up, it's rude to refer to a disabled person as handicapped.

[Leyelle]

Oh, I thought I'd used the word 'disabled' every time and didn't even realized I'd used handicapped in the thread name. (Though I didn't know anybody found that word offensive, so I'll be more careful.)

The couples I write are often mixed race just because that's how I imagine them, but I do feel like the media has largely segregated couples by ethnicity for the last century of TV, and I'd definitely like to see the changed going forward.

[zukasuki481]

Well, I do hope I am writing her as sensitively as possible but Ran is mute (reason why is a curse that will foever be permanent even after it gets removed). Her partner Vervain is a little frustrated about it as he worries he might hurt her and she has no way of letting him know if she's in distress though it was a very clear discussion point in one of my chapters before they really decide to go further.

I hoping she doesn't sound too different when she's with Vervain but I also want her to figure out a healthy romantic relationship as she never really had a good one before but I've been trying my best to write it as healthy as I can.

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[Leyelle]

Makes sense, it's hard to figure out healthy relationship dynamics irl, so trying to figure out what that looks like for characters can be difficult too. Especially because everyone has unique traumas and triggers that they're partners may or may not know about initially but will effect them in the relationship

[MiharuWrites]

I get the appeal of seeing more races, mixed race couples, characters with disabilities in media, but I don't think much about it honestly. Representation is nice, but you don't wanna focus so hard on that that you have flat token characters to check all the boxes you've set for yourself. That said, people are people. Everyone is different. I don't worry about relationships falling into trope categories or being too similar to each other. So what if A & B have a similar dynamic as D & E? Sometimes it just works out like that in life.

I can see what you're saying about segregated dynamics in media. There's a pro and con to everything. For example, LGBT characters are evolving from the token gay friend or flaming gay to new heights in media. Big pro! There can be shout outs to LBGT status that don't matter to the storyline or the character that make the character feel like their whole personality is their sexuality or gender status instead of a person. Or the shout out turns people away because they're happening more and more, not to show people, but to show flat representation. Let me clarify: representation is great. Flat representation is typically one dimensional and focuses on one or two things, ie: bisexuality, to check a box.

Incorporating disabilities, mental or physical, is difficult in media because a lot of people aren't going to do the research. Think about DID for example. It's rare. It's hardly spoken of. And for a while it's media representation was limited like in the movie Split which made people with DID out to be psychopathic, crazy, or dangerous. Now think of Disney's series Moon Knight. Steven Grant and Marc Spector are people sharing a body. They feel real. Their struggles make them human. Their DID doesn't make them a monster. All a matter of people caring enough to do their research and wanting to make a fully fleshed out character that isn't flat representation. Write what you know and if you don't know and don't want to go all in do enough research to make it believable. People with these disabilities will be able to tell if an author totally guessed or half-assed it. Depression didn't and still doesn't have great rep in the media sometimes for another example.

[MiharuWrites]

Alright, now that the heavier topics are out of the way I'll tackle your last questions. I like writing slow burn romance. I want it to feel natural. I'm not into hookup culture or I fell madly in love with you in a week's time. That's boring. That's too fast. That's irritating to me. Gotta have some friendship first. Then we see if it goes anywhere.

I do write disabled people. I only have the one series on here that I just started so I'll only talk about those characters. My main character Maeve had PTSD, depression, and some anxiety. I have all of these so it isn't hard to get into those mindsets for me. She is physically disabled having to wear a prosthetic leg or use a wheelchair to get around. This is an area I had to and am still researching. My second main character, James, is heavily traumatized and has PTSD and dissociation episodes bundled into it. He is also physically disabled, using a prosthetic arm that was not wanted in the first place.

I have a side couple, friends of Maeve's which will show up more often than others as the series goes on I think, that are a disabled mixed race couple. Imani is an African American woman who was blinded during one of her tours overseas. She has a service dog named Cupcake who helps her navigate the world. Her fiancé Farhan is a Muslim man who was with her before the accident and does his best to spoil her whenever he can. She loves Halloween and he carves whatever faces she scribbles onto paper for her jack o lanterns every year without fail. I'm still getting to know this couple and their dynamic as I write but I like them.

https://tapas.io/series/Irish-Dame/info

[Leyelle]

I agree with your statement about not doing enough research or making flat characters. that's actually one of my complaints. I don't want ethnic or disabled characters to fall into the same roles they always have, and that's part of the reason I'd like to see MORE representation of them, so they can be more different characters. But I understand your point too, in that forcing it can make negative or lame characters. For that reason, I only want to add these character's if I can imagine it making the character better, or how they were imagined in the first place, rather than just to force it.

I'm like you in that I often get to know my characters more as I write them. Kattar's paralysis is based on a boy I knew with spina bifida, but lots of his trauma is inspired by my own, as are he and Alicia's depression, ptsd, anxiety based off of my own emotions or experiences with these things, though I sometimes have to spin the context.

[Leyelle]

I just love this scene, so I thought I'd share it:

“Um…” I say a tad slowly, fighting the embarrassment tying my tongue into knots, “Do you think, maybe, we’d be able to get dinner together sometime before then, just the two of us?”

“Oh.” His lips part - eyes getting a little rounder than usual. “Oh, y-yeah. I think so. I’m supposed to be released Wednesday, and Utkaresh is gonna drive me home. It’ll be so nice to be in my own clothes again.” He adds with a cross between a laugh and a sigh.

“You must have been dying stuck in that white dress for all this time,” I can’t help teasing, “It’s not even stylish.”

He smiles roguishly, and I realize too late that I’ve walked right into the rebuttal-

“Yeah, it looks kinda like something you would have bought.”

“Ha ha,” I roll my eyes, but I guess I earned that, considering the amount of tee-shirt dresses adorning my hangers. The only advantage they have over the hospital gowns is that they close all the way. I shutter thinking about reliving another “wrap-dress-fiasco.” Then I hesitate, biting my lip.

“You know, your mom told me the pink dress looks like something you would have bought me.”

There’s a flicker in his face his expression, as he grows a little flusher.

Read Damsel in the Red Dress :: A Spoonful of Sugar | Tapas Novels

[Leyelle]

I have two relevant couples in my two series now and their dynamics are very different.

For one thing, Kattar and Alicia are a lot more comfortable around each other than Jinwoo and Kimberly are. This is partly because they've known each other for so long, but tbh, they were pretty comfortable around each other from day one.

Secondly since they've been through so much together, Kattar and Alicia's dynamic, while still having an attraction factor, is more based on mutual love and concern for the other that's been developed over years of getting to see each other's struggles, triggers, fears, etc. And learning more and more about each other over time.

Meanwhile Jinwoo and Kimberly's romance is all curiosity, feels and whimsy. They're just getting to know each other. They liked each other and started trying to develop a romantic relationship earlier on, never trying to be just friends, so their relationship is a lot more excitement based. Electricity rather than the warm blanket that is Kattar and Alicia's relationship.

There are probably more differences, but i'll think of or remember them later. What differences do your different couples have, what do they have in common?

[SleepsorMaddi]

I have a reverse harem polycule in my story and the main character tends to embrace different sides of herself to be in each relationship For instance her and Archie have a very flirty mischevious relationship, while Theo and her have a more black cat golden retrevier relationship. However in the end she has to realize that putting on these masks instead of being herself with everyone is the challenge she goes though.

But one of my favorite relationships to write is going to be Rena and Alice a fine lady and knight combo that is going to be full of blushes and hand touches, definitely among that sort of stereotypical first love relationship!

[Leyelle]

If your leads are ever insensitive to their significant others struggle as a disabled person or a minority, how do you write them addressing or dealing with the issue?

Alicia fails to notice a part of Kattar's struggle as a wheelchair-bound person in a recent chapter of "Damsel in the Red Dress" and so she gets really angry and snaps at him. While he was willing to brush it off, she herself realized she needed to be more aware of it, because she had no idea what was going on in his head, and rather than assuming the best, or trying to come from a sympathetic angle, she just got angry.

I think it's pretty realistic to acknowledge that even when you love a person it will hard to always be sympathetic to all the things that make their lives difficult when you don't necessarily know the full scope of the struggle. some things are obvious, others are only clear when you're living in it.

On the other hand one of my characters in "Hushabye Prince" hasn't been informed about her crush's disability at all, so she has no idea why he does the things he does, and isn't given a proper chance to sympathize. (though of course, not knowing doens't mean to be a jerk) interestingly despite not knowing she's usually a bit more patient than Alicia is, though Alicia rarely gets angry at her sweetheart,

[NickRowler]

I would recommend looking into Cultural Competence and Cultural Humility. They are things used in healthcare and social work when addressing clients from different cultures or social minorities.

If your character said something ableist but wasn’t aware that he was, you should focus on him humbling himself (admit he made a mistake) and him being educated about struggles his partner may face. You can even add onto that where he uses his knowledge to support her and advocate for her and other wheelchair users.

[Leyelle]

If your character said something ableist but wasn’t aware that he was, you should focus on him humbling himself (admit he made a mistake)

This is already in the story actually. The struggle was that (she, the person who got angry was the FL) didn't realize it was uncomfortable for her significant other to go out in public in his wheelchair for the first time, so she was annoyed that he wasn't paying her any attention on their first date. And she DID humble herself and apologize, even though he was just going to brush it off.

---

I fidget with the keys and the clinking metal rings in my ears like a far–away bell.

“Hey, um…” he looks up quickly as the words start from between my lips, quieter than anything, “I’m sorry about earlier, Kat. I shouldn’t have fussed at you like that...during dinner…”

“It’s okay-” he starts to say, and even as he smiles I see the color - faint, but it’s there - beneath the delicate…

“It’s not,” I say firmly, and that seems to catch him off guard. “I shouldn’t have…”

---

Learning to be more sensitive to your sweetheart's needs and struggles, no matter what they are, is a big part of my stories, and it's never just brushed off in either of my plots. I understand how essential it is to properly write for and represent different minority groups (i'm part of several myself, and I'm often annoyed or upset by our representation) so it's something I take seriously. I was just wondering how other people write these things/character struggles into their stories.

[Leyelle]

One interesting thing about the relationship dynamics that is adding a lot of complexity as I write "Damsel in the Red Dress" is the way different people's struggles, insecurities and traumas can trigger their partner's.

Most people have trauma, and even when you love or have been friends with someone for a long time, that doesn't mean you've chosen to, or been able to share the details with each other. But then the secrets you've kept can be triggered at seemingly random times and those can quickly spiral out of control.

Kattar and Alicia both have a lot of things about their childhoods they never told each other, and those are starting to bleed out like poison in the water, right at the time when they should be finally getting closer.

[Leyelle]

"Almost couple" is a weird kind of stressful dynamic i'm working on right now in DITRD.

The leads are going on dates, but not "official" so the female lead is having a very hard time judging where she stands and what she can and can't or shouldn't do. She's not even really sure what to refer to Kattar as

especially when he doesn't want his mom to know their going out.

---

Melissa texted me a picture of a new dress she bought last week. The most adorable little red tartan thing I’ve ever seen, but she says her husband already threatened to burn it. She says she’ll gift it to me.

“That way my baby can live somewhere where she’ll be loved.”

But my b-

My not-boyfriend - not sweetheart - equally significant other - would hate it too.

Not that it matters considering the fact that we’re not dating. Considering the fact that he doesn’t even want anyone to know…that we’re going out.

Read Damsel in the Red Dress :: Dolls | Tapas Community

[skidiggy]

I have several couples with different race/species dynamics, which are super fun to write. Not only do I have the wide spectrum of emotions/personalities to play with, but also the taboos, prejudices, and emotional crises to juggle. (Examples: "Help, I've fallen for an enormous magenta demon-person from another world." or "How do I get the robot to like me?" )

I don't typically target or call out specific human character races or geographical origins, as they don't impact the story all that much. Unless it's plot-relevant, I stick to traits that are reflections of their personality (how they carry themselves, attire, style, etc.).

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[Leyelle]

the taboos, prejudices

Yeah, this is a big one. for some reason, despite all the kinds of evil people commit in DITRD, racism isn't a huge factor. Their world is like the United nations or something. But it IS a factor in the new romance novel I'm working on RN, from both angles. ML is Korean. FL is black.

I've met or heard quite a lot of people complain about dating outside your culture, even within my family, which is so ironic to me because I'm biracial.