I am coming back to this @NotBeatrix
I left you comments and likes as I read and also made notes so I wouldn't forget anything
Overall, I love your writing style. You do well to establish and maintain your character voices. I also love your use of descriptions and your utilization of figurative language and rhetorical devices, especially for the more tense and emotional scenes. This all makes an engaging read, and your plot is interesting.
Here's some feedback that I noticed throughout your episodes:
In episode one, you compare the canyons to mountains. I'm not sure if that's the best comparison since mountains reach high and canyons are steep into the ground. Most people wouldn't look at a gorge, basically, and compare it to a mountain, and since they're ground level in this stand-off, it makes less sense that the canyon is above them. Unless that bit is referring to the mountains, then the sentence should be tweaked to avoid confusion.
(These were in episode one and all that I read)
-You have a few typos and tense slips I noticed as well. Overall, tense slips dramatically decrease over the course of the episodes, but there are a few sentences where maybe you missed a word, or there was some subject-verb disagreement, but those are no biggie and quick fixes. Also, comma misuse, but not as much from episode two ongoing.
-You have many "can feel" sentences throughout, so I'd be mindful of those and other filter words. You can cut them out entirely and cut straight to the action of the sentence.
-When you write numbers, spell them out instead of putting the number if they're under 100.
Episode two, you had a "With unsteady breaths, I fight to breathe..." sentence, be mindful of repeating words so close together. I would have liked a bit more about savant and pierrot vampires since it was mentioned so much. I understand it may come up later, but it's something I honed in on, so just a bit more context clues would have been nice. This might be a "me thing," but I'd prefer italics or single quotes where you have 'Nina'; both are redundant to me. I don't know offhand the "rules," but if it's a matter of your style, do what works.
Episode three, the only things I picked up on that are a little throughout are some typos and missing words. Another thing is dialogue. When you use em dashes, you don't need a period; the dash is the punctuation. For sentences with intruding beats, ex: "dialogue"âintrusionâ"rest of dialogue." you put the em dashes outside of the quotes. Pro tip: use ALT+0151 to create em dashes (learned that from twitter )
Also, with dialogue, I'd say you can add in some action tags that aren't always:
"dialogue." [action sentence ending with a period.] "something else."
Usually, I do something more like:
"dialogue," [person doing some action], "rest of dialogue."
Typically if the first bit is a dependent clause, I do it like that.
Episode four, my only note is to stay away from using food to describe someone's skin tone/color. You referenced the girl having "caramel colored skin." There are various ways to describe skin, and this comes across as offensive for various reasons.
Episode five, the "sweat like a dog" line threw me off a bit. Me being nitpicky again, probably, but dogs don't sweat, and the phrase is a conflation of "sweat like a pig," but style and all that.
Episode six, my only note is that I would have liked a better transition from the flashback to the present. I liked how it tied into the present with Nina remembering the rattlesnake and the girl biting her though.
Like I said, I enjoyed your story, and I can tell the work you put into it. I noticed little slips we all make and anything else I think are quick fixes to tighten things up. You have a solid start, and I'm interested to see the rest. And the cliffhangers you implement them well