Okay! I just finished reading your book, and here are my first impressions and feedback:
First Impressions:
I love the first line, 'Is it me, or is my imagination running wild for whatever things I think you would do here?' Really gives me an ominous feeling. I don't know who's speaking but I can tell there's something strange going on..
This line, 'A whisper ran through a girl's headspace as she suffocated over the classroom'. I feel the details make it a powerful descriptive line as the words 'suffocated' give it a charged feeling---but, the sentence structure is worded a little weirdly. It's a bit hard for me as a reader to understand what you are trying to communicate in this line.
Interesting world building so far. Makes me wonder what is 'New World'
Yikes could you imagine having a demon thing inside of your head at all times? I could never---
The details are well done I can good a picture of the character, Cynthia, so far
World building is interesting but also still kinda complex for me.
There is no conflict in this world? Well that makes for a very interesting world to explore as a reader
So if Rin and Cynthia are daughters of Gods, then why do they have to go to school? I'd imagine if I were a god's child I wouldn't ever concern myself with school education since I basically created the knowledge humans are learning
Oh, so the school is not like a regular school they have to learn stuff that is like magic but is just advanced science maybe?
OVERALL THOUGHTS
The writing is pretty good. You have a really good grasp of writing character descriptions. You also do a stellar job of world building! Like man, the world building in just the few chapters is absolutely creative and unique! I really love the way you built up a completely new world on the pages. Even the character backstories and details are well thought out and carefully crafted within the backdrop of this mystical futuristic world.
Also, I love the way you introduced some really fascinating concepts such as Gods, Humans, and Demons co-mingling together in a highly futuristic fantastical setting. The setting and world building alone really forces you to think about the type of world we live in today and think philosophically about what if this happened to us. I also really liked the idea of Mystical Arts.
With that being said, I would say as awesome the world building was it was also very packed in my opinion. There were a lot of concepts and world building things that were introduced too quickly. I was still trying to get to used to the world I was reading about and then there was more and more concepts being added I kinda got a little lost between when did the Neo Humans begin and what was in the past and what was currently going on.
I think as a reader, I was feeling a little bit overwhelmed from all the information.
In the first few chapters, you have to be careful not to overwhelm your readers with too much plot or you'll risk doing what's called a Plot Dump. A plot dump is when you essentially give so much information about character's backstories or the world building that readers get confused.
With something as deep as a science fiction book like this you have to do a really careful job of introducing new concepts and giving world building concepts without overwhelming the reader.
For you book, the world is SO fascinating and I love it! But I was also a little bit confused because there so many moving parts and then as each chapter went on, before I could ground myself there was more and more information about the history, the characters, and so forth.
So? I would really recommend gradually giving readers pieces of the world or characters backstories only when it is needed to progress the plot.
For example, say a character has to pull some legendary stone out of a rock. In a scene like this, it would be beneficial and necessary to explain how and why the sword is there. Also, you might want to give a small tidbit on how or why the character's background makes them perfect to pull the sword. So, you might mention the sword is there by special magic and then you could explain how that special magic works. Then you might talk about how the character is son of a demigod and has always know they'd have to pull out this sword. But before this scene, it would be best to withhold this world building and some character information because it would not be necessary to give this information to readers until this very scene.
As for the grammar, I would say you are already a excellently skilled writer. You understand how to use powerful word and use the details to create descriptive images, but, I would say the structure of the sentences were often awkward or strange. Also, some words were used ineffectively. Take for example:
'A whisper ran through a girl's headspace as she suffocated over the classroom'.
A line like this would be a powerful descriptive way of showing how much her thoughts were controlling her mind and frustrating her, but the way it is worded and the way the sentenced is structured makes it hard to understand. It's important to remember that sentences should always have some form of Subject + Verb + Object word order. You can check out this resources because it will likely explain FAR better than I ever could: https://academicguides.waldenu.edu/writingcenter/grammar/sentencestructure#:~:text=A%20sentence%20follows%20Subject%20%2B%20Verb%20%2B%20Object%20word%20order.
But essentially, the sentence appears to be fragmented in the way it is structured, and I often sentences structured like this with the words also being used in a way that made it hard to read sometimes. It might be better to reword sentences like the one from above to be more clear. Something like:
'There were voices in her head as she sat still in the classroom. She couldn't stand it. It was suffocating her.'
But that's just a suggestion! However you want to move things around works too! I'm not sure if English is your first or your second language, but either way, I would like to say your writing is great! It's just the sentence structure or grammar that could use just a little polishing that's all.
Lastly, the last thing I noticed was that sometimes the descriptions of the settings were unclear. In first few chapters, I wasn't really sure where Cynthia was. Was she in a classroom full of people? Or was she in an empty class? Was she walking through the hallways when she decided to skip class? Or was she standing by the classroom door? How did she get to the rooftop? Was there a door? Did she go up stairs? Etc. etc.
Overall, I think you have a really interesting story in the making. I especially just fell in love with the world building. There's much I'd be curious see develop in your world such as the nature of how humans and the demons came to be in such a world like that and why there are so many different traditions and sacrifices the Gods had to make just for the humans. Really quite interesting overall! I hope this reveiw wasn't too mean, I just wanted to be as detailed as possible with my feedback and suggestions.
Best of luck!