Jul 2021
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Jul 2021
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TheGentleArtist
Jul '21

I saw my friend with a machine that had two spinning arms moving at different speeds and holding a bottle eache.

"What is that," I asked.

"A Thyme Machine," he casually said.

I wish I had one.........

Legendofgenii
Jul '21

I used to have this dream I was floating in an orange ocean.

It was a bit of a Fanta sea.

sevenstarsofeightIam
Jul '21
1

In the late eighteen hundreds, a young lumberjack had an identity crisis. He said, there's gotta be more to life than lumberjackering. He quit his job and traveled the world, looking for who or what he might be.

He came to an Inuit town in Alaska and was impressed by the young braves. He asked a brave how he might become an Eskimo. The young brave said he would have to speak to the elders, and promised to set up a meet.

On the following day, the young man met with the Inuit elders. They sat around a wooden table in straight chairs -- out on the frozen tundra. They told the young man they had no qualms about him becoming an Eskimo. All he had to do was pass the same right of passage as the other young men. He told the elders he was ready, and asked what he must do.

They placed a gallon of whale blubber whiskey on the table and told him to drink it all. He drank it all and asked, "What next?" They pointed to a distant snow-capped peak and told him that he must walk there, kill a polar bear, and bring back its head as evidence. Once he accomplished that, his third and final trial would be to go into town and sleep with the local prostitute. Only then could he call himself an Eskimo.

The young man staggered off across the tundra. The elders watched him until he became a small staggering dot on the horizon. For the next three days, the elders sat at their table and watched for the return of the young man. Late on the third day, they saw a dot on the horizon. As it staggered closer, they recognized the young man. He was terribly scratched up and bloody, but he did not have a polar bear's head with him.

He walked up to the elders and said, "Now, where's that whore you want me to kill?"

7 months later
simonitropunk
Feb '22

I was accidentally hit on the head by a camera and now, all I'm seeing are just flashbacks :stuck_out_tongue:

powerplantanimations
Mar '22

This one was actually from a saint:

There's three drunk men walking into the Hotel. The person at the front says they're too drunk to walk the long, LONG stairway. The drunk men take this as an insult and decide to walk up the stairs anyway.

The first man says "If we make it up the stairs, I'll sing!".

The second man says "If we make it through the hallway, I'll tell jokes!".

The third man says "And if we make it to the door, I'll tell sad stories!".

So they walk up the stairs. The first man begins to sing. They have a good laugh. They then make it to the hallway. The second man tells jokes. They have a good laugh. And finally, they make it to the door. "Go on! Tell us a sad story!".

"I forgot the keeeeeeeeeeeys..."

3 months later
bronte448
Jun '22

Did you hear about my new job as a can crusher?

It's soda pressing.

bronte448
Jun '22

This skit is an oldie but a goodie.

Error Design.png710x388 13.9 KB

N: Error?
E: What?
N: Where's my moon staff?
E: What?
N: WHERE IS MY MOON STAFF?!
E: I uh put it away.
N: Where?
E: Why do you need to know?
N: I need it!
E: Uh-uh! Don't you think about going off chasing the Stars with those knifes and negativity arrows of yours! We've been planning this movie night for two months!
N: The castle is in danger!
E: My evening's in danger!
N: YOU TELL ME WHERE MY STAFF IS ERROR! WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE GREATER GOOD!
E: "GREATER GOOD?!" I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND, *****! I'M THE GREATEST GOOD YOU'RE EVER GONNA GET!!!
Classic.

simonitropunk
Jun '22

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! I snore so loudly that I wake up myself!!! What can I do???"

Doctor: "Have you tried sleeping in a different room?"

16 days later
bronte448
Jul '22

Nightmare, looking at Error, Dust, Killer and Snow: I'll have five Whoppers and...
Glaring at Horror: Five. More Whoppers.