Your opening line âThe saintess is a fake and she knows itâ was BEYOND perfect. I donât think Iâve ever seen as good of an opening line for the description in my entire lifetime. It was the perfect hard-hitting bomb needed to hook me to whatever you were going to say next and opened up the story for us!
It was so blunt, literally eye candy but made of words. It felt like being electrocuted. Absolute. Perfection. The rest of it is done so well too, no drop in quality to be found! But to further spice it up, Iâd, personally, rearrange the rest to give it a slicker flow, so hereâs my rework of it! (Even though not much of it even needs to be touched and I say this as someone whose super hard on descriptionsâŚ)
âAfter years of giving her health and happiness to protect her people as best as she could, the Saintess would be replaced. With her world crumbling around her, she still fights to do whatâs right and meets a knight who shares her devotion, yet he seems to hate her. But when the two find themselves unraveling the conspiracy behind the worldâs destruction, she realizes being fake is the best thing to ever happen to herâ
I like the first chapter, you did a good job on it, but there was an overload of information and in the second too. While a lot of it is useful to know, whatâs not immediately needed to understand the now of the story should be sprinkled later in the story or through action to prevent stagnation.
If the story stops moving, your reader may get bored and move on to something else, so make sure to ask yourself whether or not itâs moving. To make sure itâs needed, read your story as if youâre the reader and think about whether or not youâd be confused if so and so was removed or shortened for that excerpt. I used to have issues with this myself.
Maybe even keep it more brief except where the reader really needs details then explore it more in depth later, youâve given us something very fascinating to go off of, but I think it can be elevated and better hook the reader. Iâd keep the details, for instance, of how her hands blistered due to holy water but delve more into her dwindling faith and the way it all works through action in the rest of the story.
I like Erikâs character a lot, but the second chapter was hard to get into due to the clutter and info-dumps. But he and the Saintess and definitely my favorites, I donât think I could choose one or the other. You keep all the characters memorable and I applaud you for that!
Iâd also cut out some of the explaining of the abuse she went through since you show it nicely through the rest of the chapter. Otherwise, I love it. Iâm a fan of your world-building and the cold place youâve explained to me as well as they way it all works! Donât cut it, just rework it as you see fit!
Your prose rocks! Itâs short, concise and straight to the point. I love your description of the main character and that she isnât conventional and realistically shows the affects of her environment. Applause to you! You did wonderfully!
I actually fangirled too when you said she had chapped lips. I feel like a lot of people fear making their female protagonists âunattractiveâ but you werenât afraid, instead, you chose the real option and added so much more life and realism (I know I throw that word around a lot lol) to your story. Love it. Love it!
Also, three assistants became two? Iâm curious to see what happens next! Leading on the reader like that is an awesome technique to keep us hooked and on the edge of our seats.
I have to call out you not overusing adjectives too, thatâs a great way of clearing up clutter and keeping your narrative flowing.
While itâs very interesting she hates Kielan, Iâd recommend instead of saying âshe hated himâ, describe how she feels when she sees him, for instance: âThis man made my bones writhe, my blood burn and my head spin, I could barely resist punching himâ haha. Or, she clenches her fists or struggles to look at him! Honestly, I hate Kielan and his white teeth too. Someone needs to start a Kielan hate club.
The character descriptions plain. My rule of thumb is to take the mental image of a character and translate it as best as I can, hereâs how I imagine Kielan for an example of what I mean:
âHe hunched over his desk, his fingers, like long, stiff skeleton claws, tapping slow and rhythmic. His pin-pricked pupils hung on me from feverish whites contrasted by black circles made darker by shadows cast from his jutting brow bone and hood. They were as white as his teeth, which shone through his constant grimace.â
The ceremony was awesome. The two main characters contrast each other very well and itâll be exciting to see their future interactions! The buildup to the ceremony was enjoyable to read as well, everything has such a dark feel. To further elevate this, Iâd make the descriptions of the scenery per se more in depth.
Thank you for introducing me to your work, this is certainly one Iâm coming back to! Love the plot, the characters, everything, itâs very memorable and captivating. I canât wait to see what you produce next! This was exceptionally well-written and you have a fantastic prose.
Are you interested in me doing a cover for you? It may be a little slow, but eventually I can have something made. If you like, just give me the framework and Iâll work with it! Thanks!
