âThe Year is 57,750... And the Age of Outlawry has returned.
The Intergalactic Federation, a tyrannical government that rules over the galaxy with an iron fist, seeks absolute control over the planets, crushing rebellion and resistance upon its might.
But where there is oppression, there is defiance.
Dex Solstice, a reckless, unpredictable outlaw with a name that will one day shake the entire galaxy. A boy with no home, no allegiance, and nothing to lose, he carries the weight of his past while forging his own legend.
His goal? To create a crew of outlaws and to become the strongest outlaw in existence. Not just for power, not just for survival, but to carve his name into history, and tear apart the system that shattered his life.â
I like your idea a lot, but when youâre writing your description, youâve got to sell to your audience. Imagine youâve dug a six foot hole and youâre trying to get someone to walk into it. What are you going to put at the bottom? Something valuable, of courseâand thatâs your work. Your novel. But no matter how good what youâve got is, nobodyâs gonnaâ fall for it if you canât advertise it.
Maybe if I saw a book at the bottom of a hole Iâd find a way to get down there, but see, everyone isn't me. So you need to be precise: My rule of thumb? Keep it short, only say what you have to and whip it up into a concoction which sparks the readerâs curiosity. How? Let me show you what I think might manage to help do the job:
This is going to be confusing at first, but youâve repeated the same thing. âRules the galaxy with an iron fistâ âTyrannical governmentâ âCrushing rebellion and resistanceâ.
So If I just said âThe government crushes rebellionâ, wouldnât you assume itâs a tyrannical government? Or if I said âThey ruled the galaxy with an iron fistâ, Iâd be saying what could se been as the same thing. Hereâs my suggestion:
âThe year is 57750, the Age of outlawry has returned. Dex Solstice promises his name will shake the galaxy, but the Intergalactic Federation which shattered his life now seeks absolute control. Can he destroy it and forge his own legend?â
I loved the idea in your description originally, it gave me a hero I could root for and I was excited to see his journey, but my expectation was flipped, not that Iâm disappointed but you need to let your readers know what theyâre getting into.
Now, most of us love a good anti-hero. A lot of violence and a morally depraved trickster can all be superbly as a character; it certainly isn't impossible. There are so many in the media that feel nuanced, mature. Mind you, itâs a very slippery slope. Thereâs a fine line between a well done morally GONE character and a total edgelord.
Iâm a huge Metalocalypse fan just to clear up any possible conception that I detest gore before we continue this review.
Though the narrative smoothed out later, I couldnât enjoy the beginning. I donât know your intention, but it felt like you were throwing as much shock value as possible to rouse an emotional reaction from your reader, shock, to the point I couldnât take it seriously. I donât mean this to bash you as a writer, but I suggest you be more precise as to how you use shock.
It can be one of the best Narrative devices out there depending on how you go about it. If you use it carefully, It can have the exact emotional effect you want, but you have to think about whatâs behind it, the characterâs motive, your story, everything. Itâs hard to be done well.
While Dexâs motive was clear, it felt very clichĂŠ, not that cliches are bad, theyâre inescapable, but that means more care should be put into the execution to give readers something significant to remember. For instance, look at a lot of characters from popular culture who are similar and think about points that makes their portrayal feel well done and succeed to grapple you. The rest of Dexâs portrayal (that I read) felt shallow as a character.
Hereâs what I think you can do to make your story feel more mature.
So first off, you have your main plot points. Dexâs family is killed so heâs angry and kills a bunch of people in return, but what else is behind that?
For instance, you could go the lazy way and say heâs a âpsychopathâ, but keep in mind, people who suffer ASPD are actually normal people who typically wouldnât come close to actually killing a person and the demonization comes from stigma. A lot of them are scientists and doctors, etc.
Maybe think Nathan explosion of Metalocalypse. Brutality is a huge theme in it. Nathan isnât phased by countless deaths caused by him and around him because heâs famous, stupid and generally inconsiderate, which goes with the theme since itâs an over-dramatic parody. It seems done senselessly, but the show is non-serious. The whole point of it is gross caricature.
But I donât see comedy anywhere in your description. So letâs think deeper. Yes, while most people seek vengeance after the deaths of loved ones, what makes someone snap and kill one person, let alone many? What makes Dex snap, who is he? From what Iâve read, heâs cunning and a killer.
So who was he before all this further than good or innocent? Maybe he had these traits showing, for instance, he was reckless, manipulative and gave no regard for boundaries or rules or authority and it kept worsening because he was enabled by everyone around him and couldâve been pulled into a gang of outlaws who let him go trigger happy and he had absolutely no care for human life.
The reasons are very diverse, Iâm not here to be over your shoulder telling you how to write your own character. Iâm just here to help you as much as I can. I have faith in you, youâve got some good ideas and an interesting world-building foundation, backed by some pretty neat descriptions. But hereâs how I think they can be elevated.
If itâs your aim to put your point across of Dexâs grief for the death of his mother, it's best to make us grieve a little too. Earlier, I reviewed an excellent novel which executed this perfectly from @eldritchtroubadour. They allow us to see into the characters, who they are as in-depth people and makes us live the grief, bringing empathy for the protagonist and the willingness to root for them.
(Depending on how important a character is, especially to the main character and/or their development, plot out who exactly this person is thoroughly and make them feel fleshed out, what they've done, their own wants, morality. There's plenty of online questionnares that can help you with this. If you want some resources, let me know and I'll give you some I know!)
Hereâs my best take on it. Iâll go more in depth into my example, but I want you to step back and think about what exactly it was I did in it before you read my intentions.
âHe remembered a field, one which rolled on and on, pale green, as if the calm but flowing sea until it was swallowed by the sky. It permanently smelled of honey. He remembered the light brush of the grass against his hand as he watched in wonder while a breeze combed through and the way the sun warmed his back.
But a stain sprung, a crumpled flower, grayed, withered. His mother would stroll over, kneeling by it and cupping it in her hands. She bowed down, closed her eyes and whispered something he couldnât make out. Heâd lean close, his eyes brightening. Crowded by her ever-flowing hair, her face would tighten, almost as if she took a fraction of its pain before the flower would sprout white and blue.â
First off, I give a very tiny glimpse as to (my interpretation) who the mother is. An empathetic but heavenly being. âEver-flowingâ hair as well as her feeling what the flower did and choosing to take the pain. I also give a more vivid description as to familiar things Dex sees, smells and hears and senses. For instance, think of somewhere familiar to you as a kid. What are some things you remember?
Also, how does he see people? What do they wear and what does he think of it and how does it reflect on his own experiences? For instance:
âHe scowled at the tucked black button-up shirt squeezing his body as it clung of like it was soaked, then his eyes darted for any wrinkle in the almost sheer fabric. He couldnât help but tense. Memories of his ex best friend (or whatever) flooded his head.â or âHe saw the muddled shape of Jason smothered in the shirt until his heart beat again.â
Show, donât tell. Donât just say: âHe felt sadâ or âShe resurrected the flowerâ. Thereâs room for so much more. Look at someone, as best as you can, read their face, think of how they feel and why you interpret feeling that way. If I tell you: âHis arms tightened against his sides. Sweat trickled down his temple and his eyes were glued wide. His breathing quickened, his thoughts raced as she walked by.â
What do you make of it? Tense, extremely nervous? Describe what theyâre feeling inside and out and keep this rule in mind for descriptions: If you canât imagine it through a camera, the description is insufficient. Iâm aware my own description isnât perfect but I hope it got my point across. Body language, baby!
Make sure to avoid emotion words and the like too. Such as, âHe could hearâ or âshe could seeâ, you could just say something like: âRed filled his visionâ or âA mosquito buzzing ping-ponged through one ear and out the other.â How do they hear it? How are they feeling? You can also use language to get your point across further:
âShe clung to himâ
âShe held onto him.â
Feel the difference?
Telling. Too much telling. At the end of the last chapter, you said basically the same thing, avoid repetition. Show through action. Have wanted posters up, people flinching at the bare suggestion itâs Dex, have his name be forbidden in the streets or even in conversation he could be talking to a friend or something and they mention how one mention of him could get someone interrogated or something.
Be creative with it!
Iâm not saying any of this to discourage you from writing and I'm not trying to say you're a bad writer, you donât even have to take any of this, keep in mind, itâs all opinion. I really hope I was able to help though. Your descriptions and world are already headed in the right direction. A lot of it, I was able to imagine pretty well! I wish you the best of luck on your writing journey. Happy writing!
