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CEWashburn 2025-03-07 19:43:03 UTC #81

To say I didn't get a huge grin on my face while reading this would be a complete and utter lie. Thank you so much for your honest feedback, it means so much to me. The issues you pointed out are issues that I do struggle with quite frequently; telling more rather than showing, technical form, things like that. When editing, I often find myself with a troll face going, "wtf was I...what? Where did that...okay, I used [insert word] four times in one paragraph, why? Just...why? Scratch that, clean that up, add here, move this...and did he really have to drop the f-bomb three times in the same sentence? Yeah, no...clean it up." Still, things get overlooked, and what is flowing through the mind doesn't always translate well on paper.

This is my only first-person narrative story, everything else is third, and I tried to keep it in the time frame of now. "I'm telling you what I'm thinking as it's happening." That was haaard, considering how many FP stories are told in reflection. "He said; she did; I went;", etc. The first line in the book, "I can't hear anything..." absolutely could have been a bit more grabbing. Perhaps, "This silence is smothering me...is someone talking to me?..." to keep it in the current frame of telling. I'm going to be publishing this one to Amazon soon, which means another round of last-minute edits (which more will be missed...as always), so this advice is extremely helpful.

As for music...I listened to that song and had to force myself not to cry since my husband was sitting right in front of me. Absolutely beautiful and it fits perfectly! I listen to a lot of epic instrumental, movie scores, anime scores (Hiroyuki Sawano and Koda Yamamoto pretty much directed the Veil Saga) while writing. Now you have given me more to add to my playlist, thank you!!

I am ecstatic that you enjoy my story and have found my characters captivating and worth loving. Believe me, as you continue following their journey, you'll see how much they need and deserve it. Also, my fave character has made just a brief appearance so far. Hopefully you'll be able to point them out later.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU AGAIN!!!!

Paul_Tromba 2025-03-07 19:48:35 UTC #82

I would love for your input on my novel! Be as harsh or blunt as you feel is necessary.

Louvremusee 2025-03-07 22:19:35 UTC #83

Enjoyed it. Thanks for introducing me to your work! Most of it was solid, loved the world-building and small things peppered in there to really bring it to life, like how Mara says: “oh my Hades” instead of oh my god and the like. Pat yourself on the back, you should be proud! Your ideas were really well thought-out and neat! I’m a sucker for a good super-hero story.

Chapter 2 was absolutely hilarious too. Baxter and Mara’s chemistry as characters was nothing short of amazing. It was so well-written and made me chuckle! The jokes were great but also managed to let you into the characters personalities. Mara is easily my favorite. I think Baxter already takes second place though. These jokes are made even better because of how in depth your characters feel. THE CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS ARE BRILLIANT.

But the dialogue is such chef’s kiss! Feels realistic, snappy and generally great. Each line felt like each character talking. The green thumb joke made me smile. You’re also doing a good job with establishing your characters from the beginning, making it easier to be invested in them and their journey.

But to take this all to the next level, there are some narrative choices I’d change:

There’s a lot to work with in this opening line, but it could use more OOMPH. So far, I think it’s pretty solid, but that very first sentence is what you want to use, like glow-sticks in a pitch-black night, to draw eyes then make them flow in the direction you’re pointing. A lot depends on that first line.

One of my suggestions is to save the rest. I’d have Mara sitting, anticipating, wondering what she’s in trouble for now with her thoughts racing, etc, or even twiddling her fingers, hyperventilating and the like. Use body language to your advantage instead of directly telling. Then show why exactly she’s there. Here’s my example:

“What does a superhero do to need saving?”

Superhero in need of saving? Twist! OOMPH- Reaching out to the reader and asking them directly could help to raise a lot more eyebrows and curiosity, since a problem has been posed and now a solution’s needed. Now here’s the fun part—I add:

“Mara was glued to her chair, twiddling her thumbs. Her gaze flitted to the clock. Over and over again. He chest and throat constricted. She sat one in a bog of superheroes who, caged by bars in the form of color-sucking pale plain walls, crumpled in defeat. She swore the man beside her was sobbing.

So what was it she’d done this time to wind up watching another hero turn in a pile of papers, a restraining order for her own powers to a stone employee at the front desk?”

Notice how in the beginning I use short sentences to give it a quicker more disorganized pace. Sentence rhythm can help convey a mood and emphasize what you’re saying! Pale walls = life sucked out. I tried my best to make it out to be a legal setting instead of directly saying it, to give it a bit of that soul-sucking feeling.

But what does the place look like? Some of the descriptions were lackluster. If I were you, I’d go more in depth with how everything looks around her, but also try to see it through her eyes and use her emotions to affect the description of the place, thus the mood. Such as the caged color-sucking walls!

Maybe they get closer every time she shifts her gaze.

“She tapped her foot erratically. Her gaze hit a pair with E and F bold against their color suits—Ebb and Flow—she wasn’t the only one. Swearing a few of the other heroes, no matter how elaborate their costumes or simple, watched them in marvel. Ebb grinned, watching the crowd down their nose from their upturned chin with Flow following a hair away.

A wobbly smile ran across her lips. She eased up her hand through the crowd darting past, only for Ebb and Flow to look at each other, bursting into snickers as if school children, shallowly shielding their faces and hurrying off.”

Laughter spilling from their lips as they do so feels a bit awkward, so I’d change it up to ‘did’, just leave everything past tense. As for the rest, I aimed to show as much as possible, with how they ‘shield their faces shallowly’ after glaring at everyone displays their cowardliness but because they only shielded it a bit means they don’t really give a damn.

You could even say ‘Ebb had white hair that looked like a cup-cake that stuck out through the crowd drawing everyone’s eyes and they looked like they’d just walked out of the television screen.’ Give us at least a clue as to what more they look like. While no, not everything needs a big description, it’s still good to have a little to go off of unless it’s intentional. Show, not tell their fame too!

(People fangirling, asking for autographs, crowding just to be around them and grinning or going into panic-attacks with those two around, maybe have one of the employees even stand up with their jaw dropped. Be creative!!)

There was another awkward spot during the Jackal’s introduction where you said “her brow eyes slide to the left” and in other places you state the hair color through their eyebrows. You also say she has lavender hair several times which only needs to be said once. Don't worry, we got it lol. The latter isn’t necessarily off-putting it just kind of sticks out like a sore thumb. It gave me this mental image:

(Here it is for easier correction)

Finally, I was a bit lost during the first chapter at the beginning. The rest is very well set-up, but this part, I didn’t know exactly what was going on. Yes, there was a lot told and it was fairly obvious, but there were some holes, like she was there to be punished but I didn’t see her being called or reprimanded for anything, just leaving to find a companion. I got lost.

But I was able to catch up afterward and enjoyed the rest of the chapters I read thoroughly. I’d give the first chapter a rewrite and make things a bit more in line with each other.

Your story was great! The idea in general is wonderful, easy to enjoy and a cool exploration on superheroes and added something real and humorous to the genre itself. Rock on! I certainly subscribed The character intros and set-ups were done particularly well! Remember, I don't say any of this to discourage you from continuing. Your story is amazing! Please keep writing! I hope I could help!

I’m so sorry. Here’s a pathetic mousedrawn anime girl of how I imagined the cupid—I know she had pink hair but somehow that slipped my memory only for the time I was drawing this. Why is stuff so hard?

Plant powers too?? How cool is that?! Love the way Mara's powers are written, I am looking forward to more and hope she masters it! So funny! Ha-ha!

coffee_shirone16 2025-03-09 11:19:42 UTC #84

Hey guys, A novel regarding an endless dream is here... Read After The End right now.. You won't regret it... You'll love After The End
The MC knows the future, Many bosses, Demon king, Seven deadly sins.. You'll find everything you want in After The End... Dive into the tale of an endless dream right now!!!

Smitaa 2025-03-09 12:24:22 UTC #85

Feel free to share ur thoughts about the work..
I'll appreciate every single word..

Louvremusee 2025-03-09 21:22:37 UTC #86

“Cernia has fallen. Now a barren wasteland after the shriveling of the Tree of Life, the once thriving continent collapsed due to the lasting effects of the second demon war. Thirteen long years after this unprecedented disaster, Mancer finally gains the power to turn back time and rectify his mistakes. In his quest to defy destiny, will the eighth circle mage with his countless contract spirits be enough to sever the bands of fate that foretell of Cernia’s demise? “

My rework:

“Legends of a kingdom filled with life haunt the barren wasteland. Mancer remembered better than anyone else. Finally able to regain enough power to reverse time, can he defy destiny and fix his mistakes?”

(If you want to tell a little more)

“The tree of life was responsible for the thriving kingdom, told legends haunting the wasteland. Mancer remembered better than anyone else. Finally able to regain enough power to reverse time, can he defy destiny and fix his mistakes?”

You did a fantastic job already at drawing interest. My critique is that it’s too wordy and some non-English speakers and people with a smaller vocabulary may have a harder time understanding the description due to the choices in words they may be less familiar with. ‘Rectify, unprecedented,’ Nobody wants to have to glance at a dictionary every five seconds and ruin their flow of reading.

I also suggest avoiding bigger words unless they’re necessary to what you’re trying to say for ease of reading in general. It can make you sound overly pretentious and like I said, give readers a harder time. “Never use a long word where a short one will do.”-George Orwell (I had horrible trouble with this myself lol)

So in general, keep it as un-wordy as possible. I will say though, you saying “rectify HIS mistakes” really drew my curiosity without you saying too much, so be proud of yourself for that one! My version though was a bit shorter and if I erased where I said ‘he remembered’ might make it more confusing.

Show, don’t tell. There’s a reason why that’s one of the most important pieces of advice shared. I like your direction, the way you started out, especially the detail you describe the summoning circle with. I got a good enough picture, but this can be elevated.

“Hundreds of lines wove through the sand, fighting dingy pale-brown with their purple glow as they spun a web across the low hills and past the last he could see. His gaze lowered to his feet, his heart thumping in his tightening chest—he raised his shaking hands; he’d done it. He grinned. His blood rushed, leaving him dizzy.”

Instead of telling us ‘this was easily the largest in history’, why not show us how he feels about us? Not simply: “He was amazed”, but ‘His jaw dropped and wouldn’t come back’ or ‘He found himself unable to blink as his eyes kept ping-ponging across every detail quick as his racing heart’ use body language and inner sensations to give is not just a story, but an experience.

I also used action to keep everything moving. I suggest doing whatever you can to keep the narrative flowing, to keep the action going in the story and not let it stagnate with too much telling and risk clogging your narrative.

Language is also a very important tool. ‘Dingy pale-brown’ sand sounds doesn’t sound favorable, does it? Wove—also web is a perfect description to put an image of lots of details in the reader’s mind, as they’re often very intricate.

Flitted is enough to suggest Rixi is very fast. Don’t drown your prose with adjectives unless you absolutely need them to emphasize a point or deliver a better mental image.

I really loved your characterization of the wisps. Their interactions with Mancer were funny, full of character and nice to read. I also imagined them looking absolutely adorable. Chroma’s my favorite for sure. I really wish you’d went a little more in depth with them, you’ve shown you’re great at writing character chemistry and interactions.

This leads to my first criticism. The story felt like it was rushing to establish everything, leaving a confusing and overwhelming feel and not enough ground to stand on to pull the rug from under out feet when parts that were supposed to make us feel rolled around.

To avoid it, I’d suggest showing us more of Mancer’s everyday life. Maybe he gets up, mourns and whatnot and just sits and stares at the wasteland. Show us through the wasteland instead of telling us about it, let us explore it through Mancer so we can truly get a feel for the absolute misery he’s surrounded by. Like cake, leave some slices for us to eat more and more as the story goes on.

(Utilize the five senses as well, taste, sight, touch, smell, hearing)

Let us find things out! For instance, have him recoil, tear up when he faces his wife’s grave instead of going into detail about it. When you want it to really hit us, make it hit us. For instance, he meets her again and he has to hold back tears when time’s reversed, so then we’re like: “Oh shit, that’s his wife” and are on the edge of our seats waiting for what he’s going to have to do next.

Then build it up and build it up then confirm our suspicions during a climax and really shake us with the reveal that yes, she is his wife so we can fist-pump in victory or cry. Or hint around their marriage through memories, have her speak to him sometimes, like him zone out and mistake what she was saying for something in the other timeline, small stuff like that. Or have him smell whiffs of her favorite perfume when he zones out.

It helps make everything more vibrant and instead of all at once throwing it at us it gives us time to process, feel and keep moving so we feel more and more and more and BANG! Be strategic, really pull our strings. MAYBE even have him subconsciously reach for her! So what's your character as his way of life? How's he been living all these years?

The deceased spouse is a slippery trope, emotional if it's done well or annoying if it isn't, to say the least. Jyna may be the world's most complex character later on in the story, but right now for the first impression, it won't do. Right now, she falls into the meat-grinder most female characters sadly do (especially dead ones) which is the "all-perfect super attractive soft angelic flowery forever-loyal forever-giving pure selfless ideal-wife wife" Basically, unrealistic and a prop to the male character instead of a human.

Depending on what audience you're catering too, this could be a problem. If you're catering to people who idealize that idea of a wife, then they'll most likely be more than fine with it because that's what they value and want. But if you're catering to people like me, who are very much over the shallow portrayal of women, especially dead ones in the media, that's exactly what you want to avoid like a barrel of poison (unless you're trying to kill someone)

When writing out female characters, write out the personality of a male character first. It's virtually the same. You probably know this but I'm going to say it for those who may have a hard time with it. Your female characters and male characters are the same. The only thing differing is their experiences, their treatment by people around them. How it shapes them is completely up to them.

Here's a more in-depth example. The first character is cold, calculating and a CEO, absolutely passionless and left a shell of a human after taking from so many while building their empire on the exploitation of people in less privileged situations. The next is law-defying, gets into street-brawls constantly and is detained for the fifth time this week due to their aggressive nature.

The last is naturally sweet, shy and has nothing but love pouring from their heart and wants to help others, but is often overwhelmed by all the possibilities so they're more shut-in and has to be as careful as possible taking one step at a time. They're very soft-spoken and they have such a bright smile it's toxic!

So what gender are these characters?

Answer

ANY! You don't have to confine yourself writing on gender stereotypes. Any of these characters could be any gender. Powerful character writing transcends all that. My point is, just make sure she feels human. She can still be a soft wife as long as she's in depth! It's okay for women to be selfish or violent.

A lot of people have also put creative spins on tropes like that and come out with excellent results. So tell us more about WHO Jyna is. If you or anyone else has questions or in general would like help, feel free to message me and I'll further help as much as I can.

@kyupol is writing a novel dealing with incels and manages to make both female angels feel vibrant and very-much human with fun chemistry, so if you want a good example to go off, I recommend their novel.

I enjoy the vibrance of your descriptions as well as the theme you take your story in. You did a good job putting a distinguished feel on it and giving your characters interest, truly making it yours.

But I found my eyes flitting over a lot of the bigger words, some of them I actually had to look up and for Christ's sake, I'm a Nabakov reader! Your prose is purple.

This also bled over and clogged a lot of the character descriptions. ‘Perpetual curlique’ is one I had to look up and got confused putting the meanings of the words together and got a messy mental image.

My suggestion:

"Mancer once again gawked at the pale sand, which, listless, clouded in the stale air, tinging the grey-ish sky and tree-corpses. His eyes retreated to his feet, but the tips of black shoes invaded in front of him.

He snapped to look up--only to lock gazes with red eyes sharpened with intent. He staggered back, his heart leaping. A suited man craned over him as if a taxidermy heron. In a crescent-moon of a grin, his gums were drained of color by the glow of his white teeth matching his gently floating snow hair."

So there's a couple things I did to make this description more vivid. "As if a taxidermy heron" puts a very uncomfortable image out, because it isn't just a heron, but a dead, stuffed one. So yeah, this guy may come off as a bit corpse-like, but I'm not sure if that was the intention. Also emphasizing his gums are color-drained is off-putting in general. Also... his teeth are glowing, so yeah, this guy can't be good news, right?

I aimed to make it more vivid compared to saying he had a maniacal-facade. You can even say he had empty eyes or they were generally showing more of the whites than usual. Add some more pizzazz!

I shortened some of the words to simpler ones. "resembling = as if" Make sure to keep your descriptions accurate because fluttering hair makes me think it's erratically floating around him. Imagine everything through a camera-lens. if it can't be captured, it needs to be reworked. How does Mancer see him?

"Edwin laughed until he buckled forward, his legs shaking until his knees knocked and he'd toppled under the fog of sand he'd kicked up. He was hoarse, but his legs kept twitching and he wheezed until he choked."

Dramatic. While it may be longer, this guy is crazy for sure lol. So now it isn't just uncontrollable, but he's trying to go on when he can't anymore.

There was a lot of telling. I understand, all I used to do was tell. Showing and not telling was the hardest thing I'd ever done myself. There was a time I did absolutely 0 showing. So I definetly understand it, but a lot of this, trust your reader because they (most of the time) are more than capable of putting it together. So shorten it. Use the OOMPH of body language to let us see how he feels.

"Hearing his own childish tone, his face tightened. He furrowed his brows, glaring down and away while crossing his arms. He sank. His face reddened."

I understand these may not be the best examples out there, but I hope I was at least able to help and get my point across. You've got a great direction going as well as a fascinating plot and cool characters. I don't say any of this to discourage you from continuing and I don't think you're a bad writer. Keep writing, the only way to go is up. I hope I was able to help you! After all, all of this is just an opinion.

Louvremusee 2025-03-09 23:22:53 UTC #87

“A shy artsy girl meets a happy, extrovertet girl on a special schooltrip in italy. Over conversations on a balcony they become best friends and maybe more…”

I like your description. It’s straight to the point and perfect without saying too much. The only thing I’d adjust is the rhythm and spelling errors.

“During a school-trip to Italy, two opposites, a shy, artsy girl and excited extrovert find their second home on a balcony, where they become best friends maybe maybe more.”

I only added second home to give it more emotional weight. Otherwise, I’d say it’s solid. I’d actually say the same for the rest of the story, I don’t have much criticism.

To write good dialogue, you usually have to have fleshed out characters and that’s one of the main helpers in making fun and interesting character interactions and chemistry--which you managed superbly. Everyone was realistic, distinguished, showed emotions realistically, interacted sincerely and the main character’s thoughts and feelings felt so real. You incorporated her memories amazingly and didn’t overdo it. Loved her grandpa!

(The lighthouse conversation was so sweet! Seriously, you have excellent character chemistry and I don’t say it lightly!)

You gave the story a very nostalgic feel—or that’s just because I’m getting old. It was very sweet.

Your prose was better than I expected! The action was non-stop and there was little to no telling unless it was needed except in very few places, which I applaud you for! However, I found your descriptions lackluster.

So "the room allocation went haywire" was kind of strange to me especially because they were in the car. I’d reword it as ‘everything went haywire’. The rest is fine except the part about her friends I’d suggest cutting and showing through the story, maybe through mention like ‘hey Nick how’s your math practice going’ over the phone, have the characters doing the stuff in memories of later down in the plot and show their friendship that way. Or have her reflect on how much she misses them.

Stuff like ‘raining cats and dogs’ while a good comparison is also overused to dullness and makes it less memorable. While it’s fine, I’d say to give it more spice, bring something more creative to the table. “Rained like a meteorite shower” will even do. Do stuff people don’t think of as often but gets the point across and is honest to what you’re trying to say.

Meteorites are heavy. It’s just as dramatic since meteorites destroy what they hit, but it’s not literal because it’s rain—but if the rain could, it would destroy. Like a trapped eldritch horror.

That bleeds into the other thing I noticed, which is, we hardly see places out of the main character’s point of view. Just very vague descriptions are given. Don’t get me wrong—not everything needs some huge description, most things don’t even need a very detailed one either, especially if it’s your intention, but where she lives, you could at least spare us more details.

I want you to read both these descriptions and think about what makes them different before moving on with my comment.

“I clasped the balcony. My heart cart-wheeled to the pit of my guts while I stared over into the ocean. Everyone around me talks about it being such a nice place, some even dream of living there, but I think they’re insane. My eyes begged to flee, I stepped back without realizing, but I couldn’t pull my gaze away.

If I fell, I’d be an ant, spiraling past those jagged cliffs which wouldn’t even lend a hand if they could. The murky blue depths shifted below me like staring into the dark mouth of a cave, hiding whatever was underneath. Nothing I ever wanted to know about.”

Vs.

“The sun reflected in glitter surfing across the gentle azure waves. The railing warmed my arms and chin as I laid against it, looking up at the sea which the sky enveloped eventually. I couldn’t help but to smile, as with the salt-tinged breeze, some of my worries were blown away. I’d let the water carry me away too if I could. I imagined me closing my eyes and bathing in the sun, letting it all go.”

I relied heavily on perspective to get across how exactly both people see the ocean. See how it changes? So I suggest relying on body language, inner sensations and give the descriptions flavor of their character.

Instead of saying this, I’d rework it to: “I stretched a grin across my face to match Hannah’s, which radiated with the power of the world’s brightest flashlight. But all I found myself slumping and sighing.”

Body language!

For better rhythm as well avoid repeating words too often. I know she has curls, but you don’t have to say it multiple times because I remember, don’t worry.

You also used a lot of adjectives. Instead of ran fast or grabbed quickly, say “snatched” or “sprinted” to give it more life. You have control over the language, so be picky about your sentences! Depending on what you choose, it can completely change the mood with 0 adjectives added—most of the time more powerfully too.

The way you incorporated thoughts is very clear, but personally I’d make it in italics and in quotes. Like: ‘Oh no!’, I thought, so sometimes you can cut “I thought” entirely and we’ll know it’s a thought. Also the way you transitioned from memories to present was very creative!

Great job! Thanks for showing me your work and I hope I was able to help you! Good luck!

annuskabriar 2025-03-10 17:45:40 UTC #88

I have my comic! It's the first one I've made (excluding a couple pages for undeveloped stories from when I was 12 haha) so it may not be the highest quality. Not sure! (Only the prologue and part of chapter one so far)

skullforceagents 2025-03-10 18:09:27 UTC #89

So it looks like a lot of people responded to this generous offer of your time. You’re welcome to look at my comic Skull Force Agents, if you have time. It is an action comedy with one chapter so far. Any feedback or suggestions are welcomed. But of course, only go into detail if you have time to.

Thank you for offering your feedback to us struggling artists

rubberduckling 2025-03-10 18:21:17 UTC #90

Please have a look! I'm in need of points to improve in my story or general feedback! Thank you, thank you!
Small summary:

Gay pirates, bad decisions, and enough tension to sink a ship! Cassian, a runaway noble, ends up stuck on The Red Wind with Thorne, a legendary (and infuriating) captain he may or may not want to punch. Or kiss. Probably BOTH. There’s a cursed brother, a high-stakes mission, and way too much unresolved tension. Hop aboard for chaos, rivalry, and questionable life choices on the high seas!

ALI 2025-03-11 22:32:08 UTC #91

This post was flagged by the community and is temporarily hidden.

Aero 2025-03-13 21:47:30 UTC #92

@Louvremusee Is this thread still ongoing? I'm not trying to rush you! It's just... been a while, and I was looking forward to mine tbh

knightessDragontle 2025-03-13 21:57:03 UTC #93

Here's mine!

This story starts during the Joseon-Ming era. A historical fiction story with tragedies and generation

milgray 2025-04-04 04:12:51 UTC #94

i’m really interesting what do you think!

Louvremusee 2025-08-31 01:31:03 UTC #95

Yes! It's still going! I've just had a rough time with my schedule but the reviews will start pouring in soon!

davidbeta20 2025-09-05 00:54:09 UTC #96

are you still reviewing work? If you want please give mine a look, I'd really appreciate your input. Its an old western theme action/adventure/drama with a hint of fantasy.

powerplantanimations 2025-09-05 01:18:45 UTC #97

Alrighty lol

GamerPrincessXI 2025-09-05 12:13:05 UTC #98

Struck-By-You!

The Panels

NOOR_ASAKZ05 2025-09-05 14:55:07 UTC #99

I would be happy to hear your opinion about my comic.

azurehayalet 2025-09-06 06:04:58 UTC #100

Heya, I would love to get some feedback as I'm always looking to improve myself! Piper's Pied Potions is a series of short stories revolving around a healer and his peculiar shop. It's slice of life, fantasy, and romance and currently has 2 episodes up. I would love to hear what you think about them if 3 isn't the mininum requirement to apply.

Here is the link!:

https://tapas.io/series/Pipers-Pied-Potions/info