Title : Lucky Charm
Author : @KUUPID
Notes: It's my first time writing a BL/ LGBTQ+ themed story and I'm not confident of the story's overall flow. I'd like to hear your thoughts about the pacing as well as your opinions on the main character! ^^ (and other things that stand out to you!)
Status: Chapter 8 : Yohan's Past
I moved you up the queue since you read and commented on my work.
Criticism: Foam Stick Beating
Comments about every action, making it seem a bit thick with descriptions. Long sentences and paragraphs can be tiring to read. Episode 2 for example, Paragraph 1 seemed like a lot of work just to say he woke up.
Episode 3 feels a bit disjointed, what with the sudden shift in mood from C1 and C2. Though, if you read through till the latter half, the chapter quickly redeems itself.
minor proofreading mistakes, easy to correct.
These are all minor problems, and not really recurring. Maybe a quick reread of the earlier chapters would allow you to see them.
Pacing, it was fineâit didn't feel like it was rushed or anything. Not much to comment on there. Though, I would say that your beginning suffers from the same problem as my novel.
Most readers crave for instant gratification, but our first two chapters were written in a way to build up to our third and fourth. If we had to change it, then we would have to rewrite most of the initial chapters to make everything coherent.
It's not a bad issue, it's just not a good one. I, myself, am in the process of figuring out how a remedy to this.
I don't have much to say about Yohan. I know his problemsâI can understand and relate to them(personally) but I haven't read much to say that I know his personality. In fact, I heard more from Andrew than I did from Yohan. (Understandable, since the story is still beginning.)
Compliment:
You did a good job of establishing Yohan's problem and Andrew's side of the story. How their thoughts differ, and how their emotions would collideâso far, I'm interested to see how it will go. I'm rooting for Andrew's naivety, how it will clash with Yohan's pessimism.
Dessert:
Things that stand out to me: You've established a style of writing that feels comfortable, both to you and your reader. There wasn't a point during the session where I found anything difficult to read or go over twice.
Chapter three was a bit confusing, but after hearing Yohan's "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree," the way everything clicked felt so satisfying.
I don't really read any BL, aside from accidental manhwa or manga that doesn't have the tag and only later on do I find out, but I did enjoy Lucky Charm up to the part where I stopped. Thank you for the satisfying read! Oh, and I like your cover, the art is adorable.