Title : Jinsei: Resonate
Author : @Lahin
Notes: Please tell me if it's flowing well. And if there are moments that stick out
Status: Episode 9
Criticism: Prepare yourself.
After the clock strikes four, the second sentence hits me.
Long, too long to take in immediately. Which makes it hard to understand.
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During storytelling, like when Isamu told his story about the silhouette to Mareo, instead of cutting the chapter and switching into full 1st person, you could continue it in 3rd person dialogue.(This part felt a bit like exposition, I had to read it over a few times)
Where sometimes Mareo interjects with his thoughts about the story. As well as input of external factors to give the reader slight rest and immersion. I'm talking about Integrating Dialogue into Scenes.
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Some of your sentences and dialogue feel a bit long-winded. You don't actually have to state every action your character takes or sees. For example, on this part here,
A few minutes later, Isamu agitatedly returns to the entrance, and without looking to see if the silhouette is there, he runs towards the swing facing the ground. Huffing and noticing it is empty, he pulls out his earphones with a gasp, "Where was the person sitting here!?"
Notice how much I cut out? This paragraph starts with a long sentence, and continued with two sentences that could be just a single one. Adding to that,
"Someone was sitting here right now. I've got to find that person!"
You've already built up that he was looking for the person in the silhouette. Keep it crisp. No need to say it again.
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Avoid making repeated use of a word in a paragraph, dialogue, or both. Like mentioning Silhouette three or four times within two paragraphs(including the dialogue.) Try to make use of nuances or synonyms to imply certain words to avoid repetition.
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Yup it got considerably better past episode 1. But I'll still leave the criticism on there.
A recurring problem I see is during dialogue. Just pure back and forth dialogue, without having the scene fleshed out. I feel like I'm listening to two people talking in a podcast (around episode 5). It actually breaks my immersion when narration comes in. I suggest you flesh out your scenes a bit more.
For moments that stick out : Can't say that there is an event that sticks to mind, although episode 2,3 and 4 kind of did, since although short, they were easy to read.
Complements: Here's your carrot
I like how your characters interact, they don't seem stiff at all. Around episode 9, you seemed to have gotten into a comfortable spot with your writing, which is good. The force is flowing well at this point.
And you're explanations and Japanese tidbits at the end are a good touch. Since I believe not all readers on the platform are Nihon Savvy.
Desserts:
I don't know if past episode 9 it gets obvious, but the theme of the story kind of eludes me. Whether it may be comedy or romance, I don't see yet where it's headed. But I do see slice of life.
A big fix which I'll be suggesting is that you rewrite episode 1, from memory. (Sounds hard but it really isn't.)
Write it as you remember it, add a few tweaks you feel is worth adding.
Keep in mind my criticism, as well as your greatly improved writing. And that link, Integrating Dialogue into Scenes, as it works incredibly well with Slice of Life.
When you're done, place them side by side. Fill in some gaps, and see the difference. I trust it will be to your liking.