How can I improve this scrpit?

[dbeirigo]

episode 1 the princess.

a round space ship flies trough space
two triangular space ships folow and shoot

inside the round ship

a blonde pilot with planet ear rings,short spiked hair and a goatee
dirnks straight from a bottle
we see nervous black man with a robe and angry japanese woman with a tank top and armbands and crossed arms.

black man with robe says: hey..I don't
think it's really right to
drink now.

blonde person says: relax...I...I
know what I'm doing
angry japanese woman at the background

angry japanese woman: ya don't

blonde person: shut...up!

blonde person drinks again.

a voice says: you got a new client!

we see it's a computer screen with a face:

would you like to accept?

blonde person: no we..we would prefer to continue to f*cking starve
you stupid computer.

computer: your mom is stupid.

blonde person: I accept the client, thanks for the fun, suckers

the ship enters a portal

the portal disapears

one of the folowing ships says: f*ck

we see a strong man with a gun in a futuristic city.

strong man says: what is your last wish, princess

we see a red haired woman with princess leia hair but with an extra bun at the top, she looks scared.

the man shoots.

a purple energy shield apears around the princess.

the blonde person the black man and the japanese woman apear, the black man's hands glow purple

blonde person says: we... guarantee
that the...the client remains...alive
untill...they reach their destination.

end of part 1

here's the finished episode

Read Interplanetary Transport Team :: Vol 1 Ch 1 Pt 1 | Tapas Comics

[Rai_Muffin]

Personally, I'd ease up on the F-bombs. Save them up and drop em' at a tactical moment.
Over used your audience will become desensitized, but when used sparingly they can enhance a joke or add emotional weight.

You've done a good job at characterising your main cast, but I'd work in a little of everyone's powers before the chapter ends to help them leave a greater impact.

[dbeirigo]

I will work on that I actually was gonna raise the amount of f bombs but you actually brought a good point, also english is not my first laguage are the characters speaking like people do?

[Lensing]

I like that Yuki is rude but I would make her the only rude person so she stands
out more. It gets boring very fast when everyone is swearing

[Rai_Muffin]

Yeah, they speak English well.
A bit stiff in the dialogue but that's the kind of thing you improve over time. Even a lot of native English speakers struggle with that at first (talking from first hand experience here).

[llobucervallince]

Agreed. also, try to think how different people would talk in different ways.

For example, the japanese woman, is she like raised in japan? if she is and english is not her first languaje. Maybe she wouldn't use the "ya don't" but the simple "you don't", even if she's generally rude or direct, do you, as the creator of the this character, believe that she would have the enough knowledge, or be comfortable enough with the languaje to use slangs and other casual ways of speak?

Imagine a shy old grampa and a rude teenager.
How would each talk to someone who just cutted the line?

this type of excersise help to develope the personality of each character you create and figure out their way of talking.

[dbeirigo]

actually they don't speak inglish they speak a comum language that every human is taught witch is show to us as english but it's dosen't really sound like english in universe, the japanese woman has some bits of japanese culture but she dosen't actually speak japanese, all modern lauguages fell into obscurity in that age

[llobucervallince]

oh, ok! that explains it.

[llobucervallince]

going back to the fuck problem, please, fill this chart with your characters.

edit: this is not to show us, this is merely for you to think about how your OCs act.
2nd edit: you know what? Imma do a topic about this. a charts topic.

[dbeirigo]

the idea is that japanese woman is the rudest one so would swear all the time.
blonde person, swears some times but not near as much as the japanese woman
and the black guy never swears and say things like "dang it" and "freaking",

[Lensing]

I would think about this, it gets too much very fast.
Freaking or fucking doesn´t make a huge difference because it basically
means the same thing. Then you have 3 characters who communicate by
swearing. What if the magic guy speaks super sophisticated and the Pilot
is way too chilled to swear?

[dbeirigo]

yeah I think that could work, the magic guy is suposed to be polite acutually, the pilot is suposed to be srcastic and witty so maybe his insults are more cleaver than just swearing.

[dbeirigo]

I edited the text a bit

episode 1 the princess.

a round space ship flies trough space
two triangular space ships folow and shoot

inside the round ship

a blonde pilot with planet ear rings,short spiked hair and a goatee
dirnks straight from a bottle
we see nervous black man with a robe and angry japanese woman with a tank top and armbands and crossed arms.

black man: not again, you are the pilot you shouldn't be drinking.

blode person: tha's your opinion

black:please stop

blonde person:nah I know wha' I'm doin'.

angry japanese woman: No, ya fucking don't

blonde person: shu'up! knee-high

angry japanese woman:call me knee-high again i'll pull ya spine off and shove up ya asshole.

blonde person: now take a deep breath...

japanese woman:ya won't be able to breathe when I'm done with ya!!

blonde person drinks again.

a voice says: you got a new client!

we see it's a computer screen with a face:

would you like to accept?

blonde person: no I love being money less... you know me I hate money, I want to never get a client and die of starvation it's my dream, you broken fax machine

computer: your mom is a a broken fax machine

blonde person:so... who's the victim this time?

computer: her name is dadalia heiress to throne of the aurum kingdom but...

blonde person: shu'up, she's a princess?

computer: yes but...

blonde: shush, we could charge more...
she woudn't even know haha that's it guys y'all are getting paid this month!!
I want you to set the cordination trough intraspace to whatever the hell she is.

computer: I must inform you tha...

blonde person: I don't care, just do it .

computer: fine do not come and yell at me latter

blonde person: thanks for all the fun, suckers

the ship enters a portal

the portal disapears

one of the folowing ships says: Damn it.

we see a strong man with a gun in a futuristic city.

strong man says: what is your last wish, princess

we see a red haired woman with princess leia hair but with an extra bun at the top, she looks scared.

the man shoots.

a purple energy shield apears around the princess.

the blonde person the black man and the japanese woman apear, the black man's hands glow purple

blonde person says: we... guarantee
that the...the client remains...alive
untill...they reach their destination.

yuki punches the trowing him far away.

jackie grabs a gun.

end of part 1

[Kuma]

Formatting can do wonders. Your script is really messy. It lacks focus, information and order.

When you write action, write it as simple as possible.

"we see a strong man with a gun in a futuristic city."

should be

"Character Name holds a gun aimed at Princess character"

The rest of the formatting should indicate location, camera angel, time of day.

Also if the characters have names you should use them in the script no need to be mysterious in the script.

Episode 1

Panel 1 - Location - Angle (Camera shot) - Time of Day
* Insert action here *

                                   Character name: Dialogue

Panel 2 - Location - Angle (Camera shot) - Time of Day
* Insert action here *

                                   Character name: Dialogue
                                   Character name: Dialogue

[dbeirigo]

I will work on the formating, thanks for the advice.

[Kuma]

Is not just the format, it's how you set up the content, how you explain the action and how you handle the characters, in fact you could use another neat trick of formatting that is capitalizing the whole name always.

Example (Not connected to anything)

Panel 1 - Space Station Alpha - Frontal 3/4 Shot - Afternoon
YUKI runs across the hallway

                  **YUKI**: Run away! There is a bomb!

Panel 2 - Space Station Alpha - Lateral 1/2 Shot - Afternoon
LOUIS stops YUKI

                  **LOUIS**: A bomb? That's impossible, the station sensors would caught them and the alarms

Panel 2 - Space Station Alpha - Lateral 1/2 Shot - Afternoon
The whole panel has a red filter. YUKI rolls her eyes at LOUIS

                                     **ALARM** SFX: AAAAAIIIII!-AAAAAIIIII!-AAAAAIIIII!-AAAAAIIIII!
                                                  **YUKI**: You were saying...

[dbeirigo]

I been work on the script here's ho it is so far I avoided put the time of day because they are in space so it's unclear what time it is.

Episode 1.

Panel 1 - space – long shot
a round ship(penny) dodges shots of two triangular ships that follow.

Panel 2 – penny's interior – long shot.
Jackie drinks straight from a bottle while piloting the ship
yuki and kamso are sitting in chairs behind jackie.

Panel 3 – penny's interior – medium shot

Kamso(worried):
sorry, captain I told you this before,
I know how you feel but
this must stop now
you shoudn't be drinking

Panel 4 - penny's interior – close up

Jackie(drunk):
relaaax I-I know wha' I'm doin'

Panel 5 - penny's interior – full shot

yuki:
hahaha, yeah right.

Panel 6 – penny's interior – medium shot

jackie: shu'up knee-high

Panel 7- penny's interior – close up.

Yuki( very angry):
call me knee-high again and pull off ya spine and shove it
up ya ass!!!

[KevinReijnders]

Using a strict format is great when you're working in a professional setting and have to have other people be able to make sense of your writing. But when it's for personal use I wouldn't stress it too much, at the end of the day your format isn't what's going to make or break your story. Just make sure your script is understandable for yourself.

[Kuma]

I feel like always having a strong format allows you to avoid missing details from what you want to convey. Plus is a good exercise if you ever end up doing professional work. Doing less than the least effort is a way to be complacent.

[KevinReijnders]

If using a strict format works for you, excellent.

If you're pursuing a carreer as a professional writer, definitely good idea to practise. Though only screenwriting has an actual standardized format.

I don't think not following a strict format is making people complacent. A lot of folks on this site aren't even writing a script, but manage just fine. At the end of the day, especially with these type of personal projects, all that matters is that you find a workflow that works for you. As long as you understand what you're trying to tell and trying to achieve.