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Apr 2021

Sorry for the Odd request of the feedback. I never ask for feedback before on my novel because I felt like people would give me stuff i already know, like, well, your grammar is not good, or your senticens seem a bit off. That not what im looking for.

I'm trying for a realistic Science fiction Fantasy drama slice of life. Well, I'm hoping it is far away from mainstream plots, so if it's not, I love to know that also in your feedback if it's not original enough.

But other than that, I want the people and the MC to seem real.
Also, what about the flow?
Is it slow? Is it too fast? Yeah, I need feedback.

I don't care if you like it or not or if it not your cup of tea.

What I want to know most is there too much detail or not enough, or does it just a complete mess that makes your head hurt and stop reading it? or is it plan boring and not worth reading?

Those are the things want feedback on. I'm not looking for grammar error or bad spelling poor sentence structure; I already know all that I need to find an editor for that stuff since I'm trying my best in that department

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    Apr '21
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    Apr '21
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Your novel is interesting, I'm only into the second chapter but have a few things already that I'm mildly confused about.
1. TTRG is this a acronym? IF so, for what does it stand for?
2. Empty milky way galaxy with 9 artificial planets and a fake sun? What and how did this happen that the rest of the universe disappeared? I feel like this should be explained a little more then just a short paragraph.
3. The boy in the first chapter that is decapitated.... Why is she washing off guts from a decapitation? You stated you were going for a realistic science fiction slice of life and decapitations may contain some bits of flesh and gore if it's requiring multiple cuts or hacks type of decapitation, but not guts.

It's just that first chapter so far that is mildly confusing with the settings of your story, the second chapter is better developed to me. The second chapter also flows better than the first. It feels more natural when reading it, making a clearer picture in my mind as I read. Unlike the first, where I had to go back over a few paragraphs once or twice to make sure I wasn't skipping information.

A personality for the MC Zaily and Odessa are becoming evident and so far they seem realistic enough considering this spectrum of genres you are involving and the world setting you have thus far provided.
I'll continue to read it and see how it develops later before I can give you a complete and honest review on the flow and whether or not details are needed or should be edited out.
So far, I find it interesting enough to continue reading it but will let you know if I lose interest.
As I read more I'll give more insight.
Hope that helps a little

First thing I wanna say is that you should edit your Description. It is a little too long with a lot of information about the story that should probably be left to be found out by reading the story. The Description should be short and to the point. It should give the gist of the story.

Here is an example of my Novel Description to give you an idea:

In a post apocalyptic flooded world, the last remaining humans live on large Navy Aircraft Carrier ships huddled together forming a city. The wealthiest people enslaved and oppressed the rest of the masses to keep full control and power.

Two Lovers who share the same hatred for the Government, try to find a way to escape from the city in order to search for land so they can be free.

Meanwhile as the two Lovers search for a way to escape from the city, two Police Detectives investigate a series of unsolved crimes and murders around the city that may or may not be linked to the Lovers.

Third Person Narrative.

Similar Stories:
(Some of these stories may be less similar than others, i.e. no fantasy elements, but they have overlapping content and themes.)
Titanic (movie)
1984

The Notebook

Ghost (movie) If you like love stories like this then I think you’ll like mine.

The Terminator

Sherlock Holmes

Snowpiercer

Dexter

Star Wars Attack Of The Clones

WARNING THIS STORY CONTAINS:
Drama, Romance, SciFi, Dystopian, Mystery, Detectives, YA, Post apocalyptic, Futuristic, Dark Themes, Adult Themes, Mature Content, Tyrannical Government, Death, Violence, Love, Marriage, Babies, Revenge, Friendships, Conspiracy, Detective Work, Violent Crimes, Police, Murder, Interrogation, Black Market Deals, Grudges, Slavery, Psychological, Trauma, Guns, Freedom, Bonds, Trust, Blood, Hospitals, Large Ships, Swimming, Treasure, Money, Hiding, Explicit Language,

Drama #Romance #SciFi #Dystopian #Mystery #Detective #YA #Postapocalyptic #Futuristic

I think providing a short list of similar stories will give readers a better idea of whether they would be interested to read your story. This will also funnel down and attract the primary audience that you are targeting. By mentioning what the story contains it will make it easier for readers to decide whether they want to read it or not. This works well because it provides info about the story without really spoiling anything about it.

As you see in my Description I condensed my story down to just a couple of sentences while retaining the main conflict of the story. Try to break it down to the bare minimum: Main Character(s), Setting/Concept, Conflict, Main Character’s Goal. Hope this helps.

All I can really say about your writing in the first Chapter is that it is confusing. I feel like the characters aren't introduced all that well in terms of their looks age height etc.

thank for tell me when I have time to read more of what you said O will surely go back and try to fix what you have told me thank you so much Mnheller87 this helps a lot I thought I said what TTRG stood for Time Travel regulations government

Yeah my discribtion is pretty long but I don't know If I want to talk about all the details of the races later on lol there's a lot of information that I know about that I fee will be hard to add into the story naturally but I get what you mean