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Feb 2024

I was reluctant to share this again but I really want to hear what people think about it now. Does this script make you want to see what happens next in this story, or root for the characters? Do you enjoy the fight scene? Do you care about the stakes?

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    Jan '24
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    Feb '24
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The action looks nice, at least in the way I imagine it. Not sure what happens here though, what's Red doing with the hands and staff?...also I am not sure about Red's gender, sometimes it's she, sometimes it's he and it seems like a continuous typo rather than them being gender fluid.

The scene with Nobody's appearing is not very appealing. He snatched a person from a crumbling building and suddenly the victim 's family member appears outta nowhere to smash his face?
The dialogue between him and Heiroe is not really clear, does Heiroe mean to ask if Nobody is okay? Because I don't know. They also behave like they are friends, but later we find out they don't even know each other, so that's something to think about.

Light king? Because we just found out they have a dark king, so. It can't be the same kingdom. Or they are not "kings".

I got completely lost at whatever Heiroe is punching, having a flashback outta nowhere and the light king apparently still there watching it. What's happening?

Red is dull. A cardboard of a character, she's just sad all the time. Apparently she can kick ass, but all the other time she's just sad and talking in single word sentences.

I don't get what happens here. He asked Red if she remembers the song, she started singing and then he shamed her for that?

Nobody's being kicked in the alley in front of Heiroe's apartment is very convenient, a bit too convenient.

And honestly I rarely say this now that I am not an RP admin, but I'd really suggest changing Heiroe's and Nobody's names. Nobody's name would be very confusing to read and Heiroe's is just...too on the nose. At least I would change Heiroe, because it's almost cringy and Nobody's name has at least some explanation (although too weak at this point, imho).

I was pretty confused with a radio broadcasting the deeds of the evil king, because that's not how you present a tyrant. But apparently they also have a king of light, so it's even more confusing.

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What bothers you about it?

I meant to have Heiroe say that but I didn't want Nobody's response to sound like a response to the question, and instead be a way of shutting down the conversation at all.

How do they act like friends exactly? Heiroe says two words to him, and he says one back, and Heiroe is shocked by the prescience of his arms.

I thought that went without saying.

What is happening is exactly what you described. What confused you?

I get what you mean but these two happening upon each other at all is super convenient considering their situation so there has to be some contrivance, especially when these two kind of have to be forced to encounter each other in order to ensure they actually interact.

I thought it would go without saying that there are two kingdoms here with the context provided. I should probably rewrite it to make it more clear.

9 days later

So… can you explain further what was supposed to be bad to you about the punching scene? Because like in context it would be like seeing Frankenstein or Quasimodo holding their daughter. Does it make sense if you imagine it like that?