Jul 2021
33 / 36
Jul 2021
Jul 2021
Fuzzyman818
Jul '21

  1. I think it fits with the story. I can tell that you've put a lot of thought into it.

  2. If it's something historically based, I would read it. I always want to dive into something that I find interesting.

  3. It's great to read about a female protagonist, but try not to make them a Mary Sue.

So here is my description.

They say that war is a game of twists, turns and unexpected outcomes. Well in this case, there are no exceptions as these two crazy dudes battle it out over the ownership of the flag in various hi jinks

CosmicLeon
Jul '21

@tapiyokastudios
1) I could use a bit or work but not much. Mostly in the last 2 sentences.
2) No it doesn't, though, upon looking at your comic, it really drew me in. I find descriptions awfully dry, so I don't put that on you. But when I read this, I was like oh another cop drama. I still think that you should elaborate more on the last few sentences, to make it really stand out. Magic tricks. Like what. Maybe add something like "Tomohiro, the master of misdirection uses his slight of hand solves to solve crimes." Or something like that.
3) Improvements you can work on. I feel that the "Over time the story darkens and matures as we go through their pasts, and reveal their deepest secrets." is telling and not showing. Its a bit too direct, rather elude to whatever that dark stuff is.

here is mine.

dis: Ahiko is a simple stable hand in Azeria when she receives an acceptance letter from the Aris Mage’s Guild. As she journeys to the Aris’ Guild, a surprise encounter with the mysterious Illocian Guild changes the course of her life forever. Accompanied by the sorcerer Rokuzo Barachi and artificer Enossa, they travel across the Azerian countryside to Acanium. Now working as a group of misfits, the trio faces against the Illocian Guild to maintain peace in Azeria.

crowstories
Jul '21
Toastbuster

Neither am I, and it's not that kind of story, but it's good to know that it looks that way! Is there anything in particular that gives you that impression?

Toastbuster
Jul '21

@crowstories It’s the “reawaken as an ancient god” part. I got the impression that MC was reincarnated and awakens into an alternate ancient world or something of that nature.

crowstories
Jul '21

Ohhh, not as an ancient god -- they reawaken an ancient god (a separate entity from them) and they hang out in modern day Washington state together.

Pony_wearing_a_hat
Jul '21

@cjspiethillustr
1. Do you find their description well-written? Yes! it's cinematic and classic. It uses that format but doesn't overly rely on it, and gives just enough details about the story.
2. Does it compel you to read their comic/novel? (if yes why, if no why not?) Well... I am already subscribed, so clearly it worked on me.
3. Do you have and suggestions for improvement they can make? Not much, "working" as a tribe of misfits is kind of weird phrasing, might wanna find a different word, but other than that not really.

Here's mine:

An exploration of the minds and dynamics of a group of apocalypse survivors. Who were they before The End? Who are they now?

Oto_Kouda
Jul '21

@lumisullivan I had a flashback to the School Days with that first sentence. PHEW! The only problem I saw was that "perpetrator" should be "perpetrators." That little grammatical error messed with the description's flow for me ^^;

@crowstories I love it! I don't know why, but I could hear that Disney Channel Original Movie narrator guy when reading yours.

Here's mine!

Falling in love isn't easy for Heo Yuri when his rival and his best friend start falling for the same girl in this twisted spin on the reverse harem genre!

skyfarron
Jul '21
Oto_Kouda
  1. It's a little long-winded.
  2. It makes me want to avoid the story, sorry. It seems really cliche, even if it's subverting something; the story still sounds reliant on the idea that it's twisting off of.
  3. Try letting the story stand on its own legs, without the genre-signaling. Something like: "Who said love was easy? Heo Yuri never did, and he probably never will. The only girl he likes is at arm's length, thanks to his best friend and his class rival - both of whom are standing in the way. Can he earn her affection anyway, or is she secretly planning to keep them all by a thread?"

Here's mine:

"It's Gale's second year at Slate Middle School... but something's off. For starters, why can't she remember the first half of the year, or why she suddenly has ninja reflexes? Worse yet, her own big sister Ginger seems to have crossed over to the dark side! Does it all have something to do with the mysterious Millwheel Group?"

PKLucky
Jul '21

Ohhhh I really like this description! I might actually give your series a read when I have the time. It gives off just enough information to pull me in, but not enough to fully spoil everything.

Anyway, here's mine:

"One stormy evening, Kiki Cruz's life gets flipped upside-down after a power surge causes her favorite characters from The King of Fighters and Tekken to jump out of her PC and into the 3D world. With no way to return them to their 2D home, Kiki has no choice but to let Kyo Kusanagi, Iori Yagami, Terry Bogard, and Kazuya Mishima become her new roommates."

Oto_Kouda
Jul '21
skyfarron

Thanks for the feedback! Some of my favorite bits of media like Puella Madoka Magi Magica and Doki Doki Literature Club bait people by tricking their audience into thinking it's one thing, then revealing that it's another. If that's not your fancy, I'll respect that!

Hopeweaver
Jul '21

https://m.tapas.io/series/A-Tale-of-Anomalies-Steven-Universe-AU-or-TwinAU

"Amy hated the thought of going back to school. She had just come to Delmarva to keep her family's business up and running. I mean she did expect killer robots that hunted you down, but she didn't expect newfound friendship, an uncoverage of long lost family secrets, and a new threat. Battling along beside her friends, will she be able to over come this newfound threat, before things get out of hand?"
Just to note the storyline isn't out yet, but will be soon, check out plz

Aeneas1
Jul '21

I. Your description is very concise.
II. The ending with a rhetorical question may induce interest in readers.
III. Synopsis could be shorter.

Incidentally, here’s mine.

Nixvir tells the epic story of Erik the Snowman, and his friend Oriel the Angel as they travel the Multiverse, fighting good and evil. Magic, mystery, excitement, adventure, all are here.

Toastbuster
Jul '21
crowstories

Ope, my bad :sweat_smile: I guess I’ve just so many isekai descriptions use that phrasing that my brain just automatically read it that way lol

crowstories
Jul '21

No worries! It was helpful feedback -- there are a ton of stories where someone reawakens as a something or other on here, so it makes sense. I changed the wording to hopefully avoid the same confusion in the future.