Just a few things that'll probably help you out
- Spacing- you have a lot of extra Spacing between your paragraphs. I personally like a single space for breathing room between my paragraphs. In your story, you seem to have at least 2, possibly 3 spaces between each paragraph. This can seriously make your writing look disjointed and kinda empty especially since a lot of your paragraphs aren't that long. The amount of space between the things you write can matter just as much as the things you write. Some people might see the extra space as a way to pad out your story.
I personally space out my paragraphs the way that I do because I'm dyslexic and a bit of space helps me to not lose my place among other things. But even with my way of Spacing some people sometimes ask about it, so I'm sure in your case where you have a lot more Spacing you're probably losing readers based on their first look at your text before they even start reading through it.
- Cut offs- You have a few run on sentences first of all, but you also have some sentences that seem to be difficult to understand because they try to do too much.
For example:
"The boy held the hand of his old grandfather who was crying while he sat on the bed."
Who exactly is crying, and who is sitting on the bed?
- Descriptions - you reuse a lot of the same adjectives, and that's not necessarily a terrible thing but you reuse them back to back to back. I try not to use the same adjectives in a single paragraph. If I use the words hot, cold, old, deathly, in a paragraph, I won't reuse them till at least the next paragraph or longer if possible. But you have a unique problem because so many of your paragraphs are so short even if you tried to follow this rule it may not change much because you'd still only have a sentence or two between each adjective used.
