Ok, so where do I start? At the beginning, of course! It was strong. You told us exactly who the characters were through their living situation without wasting time on unnecessary exposition, which already started winning me over. Your introduction to the villains was the same way; you made a wonderful choice by not telling us: ‘Oh yeah so these six are SUPER evil’
You let them tell us for you—or more like, show us. Everything dies baby that’s a fact and everything that dies will some day come back
The story had that ‘What I I just read??’ type feel but in a VERY good way. It was whimsical, unpredictable and was the only other thing besides the last whiff of caffeine in my system from what was pretty much my fourth cup of coffee yesterday keeping me awake. I also liked how the prophecy was kept short instead of like 20 panels.
You’re great at keeping things moving, so give yourself a pat on the back! That’s one of the main ingredients in the concoction of not boring your readers!
The way the characters bickered was fun too. The part where they were trying to market the orange glob things was fun. This very much felt like 3rd class (verrry) edgy American teens bored out of their minds stuck in the country.
So now we roll around to the art; your style and direction are very strong. It sets the mood well and reflects your plot and characters nicely! The colors and the general feel help give your story OOMPH. You did great! There are a couple things that could help elevate your art though, they seem very small could do a lot to help the readability and give it a more 3-dimensional touch.
Well just a few miles cross the county line There's a cute little chapel nestled down in the pines
So first off would be air density, as well as line weighting.
In this panel, your line art is consistently thick—which of course, isn’t a problem inherently, but you could make it pop by thinning out the line-art the further things get and making it thicker the closer they get.
Even if it’s a small touch, it helps trigger that sense of what’s closer and what’s further, see?
As for air density, take a look outside. What’s the furthest thing you can see? It could be the last line of buildings before the void of sky, or even a far off tree line or towering mountains. What’s the difference between that and something way closer to you? Like the frame of the window you’re looking out of.
Notice how the window frame is darker and the mountains have a lighter tint, blue, white, whatever. I edited the same panel because I’m way better at visually explaining:
So yea! It also makes it way more dramatic!~
To bring more of a: ‘holy smokes this character is actually moving!’ feel to your story, try this hack: The line of action! It’s an easy ticket to dynamic poses!
Usually I draw the line and then the character overlaying, in which I make an example below!
You character design is also very strong! Each are distinguished and reflect their personalities and environment well! The colors and accessories are so creative, again, each one was distinct and felt like a window into who they were! The expressions also were so good, loved it!
The last thing and the elephant in the room I wanted to tackle was the humor. I’m going to put a disclaimer: I’m a HUGE fan of dark humor, but it’s way too easy for it to fall flat or just be flat out distasteful. Political humor is also complicated—ergo both are slippery, slippery, slippery slopes.
I found it funny when everyone randomly dropped dead from eating whatever they were selling. You cracked some pretty good jokes, but the rest felt like you were trying way too hard to be edgy. I don’t say this to bring you down as an author. When the kid was told his well built lego set was too commercial was a pretty good joke, which is where we open our next can of worms in the same one:
Social commentary.
The teens wreaking havoc was definitely entertaining, but by chapter 3 the very on the nose political humor sort of lost me. It felt like the jokes were mostly you holding up a sign that said: ‘Get out of here sensitives, this is dark and VERY offensive humor!’
Of course jokes don’t have to have deeper societal commentary or meaning at all to be funny. They don’t even HAVE to be clever. But the way you executed your political jokes felt like just throwing eggs at a wall thus fell flat.
I also learned from today and out I’m considered an ‘old’ because of my love for Bruce Springsteen’s music.
Again, I say none of this to bash you as an author, I actually think your work is pretty solid. But for everyone, there’s always room for improvement, no matter who you are or what you’re doing. So good luck!
