(Novel Edition) One Compliment + One Criticism

ratscout 2019-01-09 00:42:54 UTC #8

Ummmm so I critique the one above me, right? so I would be critiquing Karana, right?

Pan 2019-01-09 00:45:42 UTC #9

I'm pleased you shared!

That first chapter has such lovely descriptions, from the scent of the tea coinciding with the steam, to the white sofa, the lazy-feeling of a boring afternoon, I liked it a lot, very nice ^^

For the improvement, it can be seen as either critique OR another compliment, so that's up to you??? XD It's about the narration: one one hand it felt like the narrator was definitely biased, which is kind of a cool concept to tell a story with an omniscient, biased narrator. It reminds me a little of Bastion, if you've played that game. If having a biased narrator wasn't your intent, you could always look into making them more neutral. (But like I said, I kinda dig what you've got going on here XD)

Thanks for participating!!!

Pan 2019-01-09 00:46:34 UTC #10

You can critique as many as you'd like! The one directly above you is a great place to start though ^^

ratscout 2019-01-09 01:31:33 UTC #11

Alright, sounds good! I wanna be helpful, so I'll go ahead and try to take my time to read and re-read some of the ones that are posted!

I'll post mine, but nobody should be pressured to read it until I get my own critiques posted. Please be gentle, as I am sensitive XD.

Aetoras 2019-01-09 02:25:36 UTC #12

Just read the first two chapters and first off I want to say that the technical quality of the writing is excellent. I love your writing style.

I found the story's strong-point was definitely the characters, you quickly get a sense of who they are from their words and actions. The second chapter sets up a great relationship between the two main characters and gives some intriguing hints towards their past and motivations.

My only critique would be that, at least in the first two chapters, the story lacks a real hook. Like something telling the reader what's special about this story or hints about what's coming. It does really well at setting up the characters and the setting but there's no indication of where the story's going.

Good luck in the Writer's Camp!

Here's my novel, don't hold back.

DasIstWunderblyat 2019-01-09 03:29:25 UTC #13

Thank you very much for your time to read my work

I know very little about writing technicalities, so I may misinterpret you and lack proper response to your critique to be honest it's my first and I'm still lacking in many aspects.

It is yes, the narrator not only once have opinionated views (such as calling an action rash or such). While I intended the narrator to be biased to some extent (because I think completely neutral one is kind of flat), I don't want it to be too much of it that it's distracting (please tell me if it is). Perhaps it is a reminiscent of an on-hold concept that the narrator will reveal itself at the end as an entity

Again thank you for your feedback!

DasIstWunderblyat 2019-01-09 03:39:25 UTC #14

@Aetoras

If you plan of a Tolkien-inspired storytelling, then it did its job The description is vivid, and your inserted hints of world-building make things believable but it's not overbearing. I'm intrigued with the gravedigger character as even first time introduced, I meant a female one is quite uncommon in the first place not to mention the key of her true nature at the end The writing is consistent throughout the next chapters, and we got more hints about the gravedigger and the story.

I can't really spot the bad qualities as I'm still a beginner and not that good (you're better than me), so I'm sorry if this is unhelpful and please take this with an ocean full of salt. I think the opening description while poetic is a bit too streched out, and sometimes it's a bit easy to get lost on who is who (as lots of character introduced even in the first chapters); but I think it's not a great deal of a problem.

minerrale 2019-01-09 10:47:10 UTC #15

Wow. Subbed. I only read the first episode, but dayum you took my hand and didn't let it go, and you have a way to make your reader feel the same as your character. Well done! It was an incredible experience and I'm looking forward to reading the rest!

As for the critique... Maybe try to use more synonyms, your only real issue is repetition I believe. Don't be afraid to open a new tab when you're writing/editing, with a dictionnary of synonyms, it would give your style a greater depth!

Aaannnddd here's my own little silly story!

Pan 2019-01-09 21:16:02 UTC #16

Straight away:

He wondered what it might feel like to be kissed.

Yo that line hit me hard because, haven't we all wondered that, before our first kisses? Very relateable, and the passage from the book he reads is hauntingly beautiful, excellent work! Really neat descriptions.

My advice would be to reveal Eory's name a little sooner in the first chapter. My reasoning is that just pronouns can be tough to read, and sometimes having the name of the character instead of their pronoun can sound much crisper! It is only the first chapter though, so I wouldn't sweat it if this was your intention.

Overall excellent work, my dude! I'm really impressed ^^

Pan 2019-01-09 21:28:26 UTC #17

Here's my blurb for the first chapter of your novel! ^^

Firstly, you really created and maintained an air of mystery and magic, which is really good for an opening chapter! I felt sucked in immediately, and had no trouble envisioning your descriptions. Very well done!

Here's my critique, simple but sweet: try to cut out as many adverbs as you can. An easy way to do this is to hit ctrl and F on your keyboard to open the search function, and then search by "ly". I like to say adverbs are like pepper flakes; a few spice things up, but too many can be overwhelming!

Regardless, great work! Keep it up!

Pan 2019-01-09 21:47:40 UTC #18

I read the first two chapters!

I enjoy the air of whimsicality and serendipity; I feel like I'm reading a fairy tale, and I really dig that! This world seems really interesting and mysterious, I can only hope our main boi gets his wish to fly!

The only thing I would say for critique is that I have a hard time visualizing what the characters look like, because I know they're not human. Perhaps a little description blurb right off the bat would be helpful!

Also I want to say I've seen you hauling ass to meet the required number of chapters for writers camp, and I'm super impressed! You are tearing it up, keep at it! Go go go! Awesome work!

Aetoras 2019-01-10 00:16:05 UTC #19

Thanks! You're right, I use way too many adverbs.

Aetoras 2019-01-10 00:26:23 UTC #20

I didn't really think about that but you're right, there are a lot of minor characters with weird names throughout the story, many of whom only appear once or twice. Not sure how I'd do it but cutting down the number of named side characters would certainly help keep the focus on the main characters.

Thanks for the critique! Even if you're a beginner, reading, writing and critiquing helps us all become better writers.

ratscout 2019-01-10 08:06:35 UTC #21

@Pan
I read the first four chapters and your concept is really cool and unique and your technical writing skills are pretty flawless! I think your transitions from Princeton to Clover are very well done and the story has a very nice, organic pace. Your descriptions are really beautiful and you present your characters in a pretty realistic and likable way. I think my one criticism (which might be just nit-picky personal taste) is that the story feels a bit impersonal because I (think) it's written in third person, distant tense rather than close, and I feel a little bit more like a casual observer rather than being really close to our main character.

@The_BVanD
You have a really nice, crisp and terse writing style and you know how to keep the story moving. I really like how you get a sense of who each character is right off and how you give just enough about your characters to keep the audience wanting to read more. This might be another nitpicky complaint, but I personally think the pace might be a tiny bit too fast from the first three chapters I read and you may want to slow down and give us a good sense of all the characters' personal wants and desires before you begin building their romantic relationships and begin building up the plot.

@kainatarma
You already know I love yours! But I know you really want critique, so I want to help you out! I re-read the first three chapters!

One of the greatest things I admire about your writing is just how good you are at capturing genuine feelings and emotions. You make the reader feel very close to Kora by showing all his flaws and presenting an incredibly relatable main character--and I just love honest writing like that! Not only that, but your descriptions tend to really activate my senses, too, to the point where I feel like I'm in the room with your characters! Very great stuff! As another compliment, I also find your story to have an incredibly unique atmosphere and premise!

The only criticism I can really think of is to maybe cut down your descriptions a little bit to keep the pace up, but otherwise the story is fantastic!

I'll try to critique more later~!

minerrale 2019-01-10 09:19:19 UTC #22

Thank you sweetheart, I'm really happy you enjoyed it!
You're right, I'm not very good at describing my own characters... I'll see what I can do, thanks for the feedback! And the encouragements! You rox!

DasIstWunderblyat 2019-01-10 10:40:30 UTC #23

Thank you very much for reading and taking time to critique mine!

I agree with your concern about description, especially for my earlier chapters (which pace are much slower compared to the later) I will keep that in mind and edit it if I had chance to! Thank you!

Nail 2019-01-10 12:27:56 UTC #24

Just read the first episode.
What I liked is how the Gravedigger character is introduced and established as a focal point of the whole story to the point, where just reading this one chapter is enough to make a decision whether you want to continue with these series or not.
What I've found a bit raw is the scene of Helda's meeting with the Gravedigger. It looks like, despite the sombre tone of how it portraied, Helda just wants to get rid of her father's corpse. And if Gravedigger is three century old and all this time was doing this job, she, probably, would have known, when the death occured and if it's ok to take the body already... and what if they decided to bury the body themselves, and she's already came with her corpse cart... did somebody call her? Does she know, when to come? How does it work? Im I nit picking? Who killed Kennedy? Why do men nipples? How... ok I shut up.
Anyway, here's mine latest story.

ratscout 2019-01-10 17:56:15 UTC #25

Thank you so much! This was very helpful, as I was wondering how people would feel about the choice of not naming him for a bit!--I'll definitely consider changing it! I'm also super happy you enjoyed the passage he read from the book!

ratscout 2019-01-10 17:58:21 UTC #26

Eeeep! Thanks so much for the sub! I'm really happy you enjoyed it that much! Thanks for the critique, too! I've gotten the one about synonyms before, so I need to make sure I'm paying attention to how many times I use the same word~!

Yumestar 2019-01-11 03:11:00 UTC #27

Wow I think your story is really interesting and cute! I really like the whole flying concept and the wings! Your character names are really cool and creative too, my only criticism is that with all these foreign fantasy names... I kind of found it confusing when you introduced multiple characters and their race/species at once? Other than that I think that was wonderful.

Finally, the link to my novel.